Jennifer, a survivor of child sexual abuse, attended The Haven Retreat when she realized she'd been operating with a wounded spirit for years.

For Years I’ve Been Operating With a Wounded Spirit

How do you put into words a “cornerstone moment” of your life? How do you put value on something that affects your mind, your heart, and your soul forever more?

For years, I have been operating with a wounded spirit. Mind you, I have been pretty successful. I have a happy, loving marriage to a man who makes me swoon every day. I have a beautiful, talented daughter who makes me giggle all the time. I am self-employed and have an amazing business where I get to make a positive difference in the world every day.

When I heard about Saprea, I told myself: I don’t need to go, what happened to me wasn’t that bad. It only happened a couple times, and it was by different people. I’m happy, I’m successful, I don’t need to be “fixed.” And yet, I operated every day from a place of not being worthy, not being enough. Worried that I wasn’t doing something right in my marriage. Always doing more than most, thinking I “just required less sleep.” Every day I was masking the pain of a 10-year-old girl, with keeping busy and eating food.

I let myself get up to 340 pounds just to protect myself. If I was fat nobody would bother me. And you know what? They didn’t. Until a year ago, when I lost 100 pounds. I then felt very vulnerable, I was determined to maintain a healthy weight. It was then when I heard someone speak again about Saprea and I knew I needed to go. I was done being silent, only a couple of people knew my story, the edited story, not the true yucky story.

The Saprea Retreat was a safe place where I was able to surround myself with women who have been through similar situations. They had the same hurts and the struggles I did. At the Saprea Retreat, I was able to learn tools to unbury deep hurts and start the healing process. I am sleeping more, I am maintaining my healthy weight, and most of all I am able to love myself more and the special people in my life.

I share the story of my journey and my time at the Saprea Retreat often. It is no longer a secret. I actually want to shout it from the rooftops because I am a survivor!

-Jennifer, Survivor

Interested in Attending the Saprea Retreat?

A woman in grey shirt covering her eyes with her hands

Don’t Let Shame Stop You On Your Healing Journey From Sexual Abuse

Child sexual abuse survivors often spend years suffering from shame. Shame can set in quickly after abuse happens, especially if the people around the survivor are unwilling to discuss what has happened. But shame can be a barrier to reclaiming hope and healing. John Bradshaw explains that when you internalize shame, you feel like “nothing about you is okay. You feel flawed and inferior; you have the sense of being a failure. There is no way you can share your inner self because you are an object of contempt to yourself.”1 If you’ve felt this way before, you are not alone. Have confidence that you don’t have to feel like this forever. Overcoming shame can be challenging, but it is possible. Here are some ways to start:

Be open and honest.

Unfortunately, the stigma surrounding sexual abuse often leaves people silent about their experiences, and shame thrives in secrecy and silence. When people don’t talk about what has happened to them, they carry the burden of pain alone, and they might even start to feel responsible for the abuse. Bradshaw says, “To heal our toxic shame we must come out of hiding. As long as our shame is hidden, there is nothing we can do about it.”1

Accept feeling vulnerable.

One of the biggest obstacles to being open and honest is often a resistance to feeling vulnerable. It’s easy to understand why we don’t want to feel vulnerable: it’s scary. If you open up to someone about past experiences and current emotions, you don’t have control over their reactions. Giving up control is hard. Also, being vulnerable involves admitting that we’re struggling, and that can make us feel weak. But shame researcher Brené Brown points out that a willingness to be vulnerable is courageous. Brown believes that “vulnerability is our most accurate measurement of courage.”

Build connections with others.

The more you feel like people love and accept you—the honest and genuine you—the less shame you will experience. And all of these things work together. As you’re open and honest, as you’re vulnerable, connections with others will naturally form. Then your connections will make it easier to be honest and vulnerable. Don’t let shame make you feel like you’re not worthy of having intimate connections with people. Brown has observed that feeling unworthy of connection can stop people from trying. You are worthy of experiencing deep human connections.

Be compassionate with yourself. Remember that your sexual abuse was not your fault, and remember that healing is a journey that takes time. We’re often too hard on ourselves, and “self-criticism is closely associated with feelings of shame.”2 As you work on opening up to others and forming connections, make sure you select people you trust, people who care about you, people who want to help you on your healing journey. You are enough, you are worthy of love and acceptance, and you deserve to live a life free from shame.

References:
1. Bradshaw, John. (1988). Healing the Shame That Binds You. Health Communications.
2. Follette, V. M., Briere, J., Rozelle, D., Hopper, J. W., & Rome, D. I. (2015). Mindfulness-Oriented Interventions for Trauma: Integrating Contemplative Practices. New York: The Guilford Press.

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Alison, a survivor of child sexual abuse, attended The Haven Retreat and learned to understand her trauma.

Understanding My Trauma Made All the Difference

The effects of child sexual abuse in my life wax and wane like the stages of the moon. At times it’s a distant memory, a trial or a hardship in my past; other times it invades every cell and muscle of my body and brain, making it hard to breathe and think and function. Fight, flight and freeze with lots of numbing (think food and Netflix) become my days and nights. When “it” comes back I wonder what’s wrong with me, am I crazy? Am I not trying hard enough? Am I weak? Am I permanently, irretrievably damaged? I want to disappear, give up and be done with hurt and pain and heartache.

I found answers and healing in the beautiful, green mountains of Utah, at the Saprea Retreat. I learned about the extraordinary wound of trauma – that trauma isn’t just a bad experience, it’s something that threatens us to the core and that human sexuality wounds are often the most devastating. I learned that violated trust confuses the brain and that unresolved trauma stays stuck in the body and cells; I learned that the “crazy” was just my brain doing its job under the extreme stress of being in trauma. I learned that just talking about it, won’t make it go away.

Most importantly, I learned there are answers, tools and techniques that will free my mind and body; that I am not crazy, lazy or inherently damaged! I learned that yoga and mindfulness reach into the brain and body and release the trauma held there; that Muay Thai (a form of kick boxing) gives my body a chance to respond and fight back, the chance it didn’t have when I was a little girl, too weak and scared and small to respond.

I have knowledge, I have hope, I have faith, I have tools, I have power! I can be like the mountains that protected us and grow strong and powerful from pressure and stress. I was surrounded by seven strong, beautiful women who understood and knew how I felt. We bonded in a way that is hard to describe. I am humbled and feel so blessed to have been educated, honored, nurtured and loved by my fellow survivors and by the staff at the Saprea Retreat. Thank you to Saprea for understanding our needs and supporting survivors of sexual abuse. You have changed my life forever.

-Alison, Survivor

Interested in Attending Saprea Retreat?

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5 Ways to Turn Learned Helplessness into Learned Optimism

Definition of Learned Helplessness

Learned helplessness, simply speaking, is a psychological condition where someone believes that they are powerless and that nothing they do will change that. It often begins in childhood as a response to trauma. It’s common among survivors of child sexual abuse, and it can lead many to become stunted in their healing progress.

Learned Helplessness Study

Steven Maier and Martin Seligman conducted a study in the 1960s that showed learned helplessness in dogs. They placed dogs in locked cages and repeatedly shocked them. After administering many different courses of electric shock, the researchers would open the door of the cages and shock the dogs again. They expected the dogs to run out, but they didn’t. The dogs stayed and endured the shocks.

Another group of dogs was placed in cages with the doors open. When the dogs were shocked, they immediately ran away. The researchers concluded that the first group of dogs learned helplessness because nothing they did made a difference.

If the study had ended there, it would be pretty discouraging, but it didn’t. Maier and Seligman went back and helped the first dogs unlearn what they had been conditioned to do. They taught them to reclaim their power. They taught them to get out of the cage.

Learned Optimism

So what can you do to get out of the cage of learned helplessness? One way is to replace it with learned optimism. Here are a few things to try:

01
MEDITATE
This can seem intimidating, but it doesn’t need to be scary. There are a lot of different types of meditation, and there will be at least one that resonates with you. Ask around, look online, or try a website like Headspace.comto see what type of meditation you should try.
02
CHECK YOUR THOUGHTS
Notice when you’re having negative or self-defeating thoughts. Make a conscious choice to recognize them for what they are–unproductive thoughts–and choose to focus on more positive, productive thoughts. This may be difficult at first, but, like anything, will improve with practice.
03
PRACTICE GRATITUDE
When you feel like you’re trapped in a cage of helplessness, look at the things around you that you’re grateful for. Be as specific as you can. Instead of saying, “I’m grateful for my bed,” say, “I’m grateful that I have a warm place to sleep, a comfortable place to read, and a soft place to relax every night. I’m grateful that I have clean sheets and pillows that feel just right…” Feel the difference that it can make.
04
WRITE
If you’re struggling to see the good in a situation, or struggling to check your thoughts, write them down. Address what you’re thinking in writing and you’ll find clarity and calm that you didn’t know were there. Set a timer for 15 minutes and just write everything that comes into your mind. This act of freewriting will “dump” the negative thoughts and help you focus on the ones that will lead you to feeling more optimistic and less helpless.
05
TAKE ONE STEP
Does everything on this list seem overwhelming or unrealistic? Then break it down even further. Getting out of the cage of learned helplessness will not happen in one quick movement. It takes small steps. So, think of one small thing that you can do right now that will help you step away from helplessness and toward optimism. All you need to do today is take that one small step.

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Mandie, a survivor of child sexual abuse, attended The Haven Retreat and decided it was time to break free.

It’s My Time to Break Free

A little girl with a sun-yellow dress, matching hair bow and Mary Jane shoes—this is the last image that pops into my head of my childhood memories.

My childhood left that little girl with open gaping wounds that I didn’t think could ever be healed. My abusers were people who I thought were helpers, people who I thought could be trusted. For years, I did not trust anybody who came near me. I constantly questioned their intentions and built a wall so high, that I never thought it could be broken through. I had no hope.

I attended the Saprea Retreat with an open mind and a battered heart. I tried talking myself out of going for months. I gave every excuse I could think of, but I am so glad that I got on that airplane. I left that beautiful home in the mountains with not only new friends but I am noticing now that those once gaping wounds are becoming scars. Scars show me that even though at one time I was hurt, that eventually that pain is replaced with new, tough skin.

Every single day, I am choosing to walk taller, to look people in the eyes, and to finally let that little girl with all of the hurt, fly free. I am beyond thankful for the opportunity to attend Saprea Retreat. I am breaking free from all of the hurt and pain. Finally, I am free.

-Mandie, Survivor

Interested in Attending Saprea Retreat?

Cindy, a survivor of child sexual abuse, attended The Haven Retreat and everything changed.

Everything Changed When I Attended Saprea Retreat

I’m 52 years old, and all these years I have dealt with my abusive past through therapy and other healing modalities. Those modalities were very helpful in bringing my life forward, however so much changed when I surrendered to my fears and attended the Saprea Retreat.

For the first time, I had the opportunity to meet and bond with others who completely understood where I’ve been and how difficult this journey is. I now have lifelong friends who get me and we will support each other always!

The education provided about the trauma brain changed my life. I am now learning to master my trauma brain and I feel so balanced and free. Yoga has become a helpful tool for my brain and body. I feel so much better.

Saprea Retreat workers are the best. They are not intrusive at all, and we were always granted the opportunity to opt out of any activities at any time, although I ended up doing most of them and benefitted so much from them. I began to feel safe from the minute I met the drivers and other participants. The organization’s generosity is overwhelming, and the plans they’ve made for helping women heal are outstanding.

-Cindy, Survivor

Interested in Attending Saprea Retreat?

Lorraine, a survivor of child sexual abuse, attended The Haven Retreat and will no longer hide behind her trauma.

Never Again Will I Hide Behind My Trauma

At age 60, I have spent a lifetime hiding, my abuse and my suffering, in plain sight. For decades, I have always lived feeling behind, ashamed, an outsider, and always alone and misunderstood. Through it all, inch by inch, I struggled through counseling, lots of self-work, determined to not let it define my life. I was determined to never, ever give up on myself, no matter how long it took. Yet there was always a missing piece to my recovery.

Then, no longer content to be invisible, this student was ready to come out and this teacher, the Saprea Retreat, suddenly appeared.

At first, I didn’t see a picture of any survivor my age on the webpage. While I was so glad there was something that a younger me could have benefited from, I wondered, and was hungry for, if they had something there for me, so I applied. I had no idea what to expect, except, this would be the very first time I would be in a space where everyone could look in my eyes and know who I was, understand my past. That alone made me anxious and hopeful. This journey was remarkable.

I never thought of my abuse as trauma as I learned here and this was super significant for me. I always associated that with, and embraced that pain for other people, especially other children when learning of their abused or hurt lives, but never me. For the first time, instead of my reflection of enduring all those years of abuse as a weakness, I felt validated. For my strength. For surviving.

Here, I felt such a great sense of relief. I no longer felt isolated. I was gifted with a new sisterhood, a sense of belonging, and emerged with a graceful awakening to see and love myself as the whole and beautiful woman I am.

-Lorraine, Survivor

Interested in Attending Saprea Retreat?

The power of music to heal

The Power of Music to Heal

There’s evidence to suggest that music can be a powerful tool to help the brain heal when someone has experienced trauma. Award-winning psychiatrist and clinical researcher Norman Doidge observes that music can change the brain and its rhythms: “Brain scans show that when the brain is stimulated by music, its neurons begin to fire in perfect synchrony with it.”1 Here are some ideas you can try.

Music as an expressive tool.

Music can be one way to express things that you might struggle to communicate in other ways. One sexual abuse survivor shared, “Music has always been a big part of my life . . . Being able to sing and write songs was a gentle route through my history and back into myself.”2 Maybe you already play an instrument or have always wanted to learn one. Maybe you write poetry. Try writing a melody to go with one of your poems. See if singing or playing can be a productive expressive tool for you.

Music as a relaxation tool.

Trauma can cause a lot of stress as triggers arise in daily life, and research has shown that listening to music can help with relaxation. For example, one study of university students showed that listening to music reduced the presence of stress hormones in their bodies. Try putting together a playlist of your favorite relaxing songs that you can listen to when your stress level is elevated.

Music as a therapeutic tool.

You also might want to pursue working with a music therapist, a trained professional who uses music as a tool to help you heal. According to the American Music Therapy Association, benefits include everything from “positive changes in mood and emotional states” to “enhanced feelings of control, confidence, and empowerment.”

When it comes to your healing, variety can be one key to help you keep progressing on your journey. Music might be a tool you’ve never used, and it offers some great benefits. Experiment to see how it might be able to help you find relaxation and expression.

References:
1. Doidge, Norman. (2016). The Brain’s Way of Healing: Stories of Remarkable Recoveries and Discoveries. New York: Penguin Books.

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Shaylie, a survivor of child sexual abuse, attended The Haven Retreat and the weight was lifted.

When the Weight Is Lifted

There’s a lot of guilt and shame that go along with abuse, and over the years, I’d grown used to feeling that way. I truly thought that’s who I was, and I let that belief dictate how I lived my life.

At the Saprea Retreat, I saw myself clearly for the first time in a very long time. Where I was used to seeing someone shameful, I saw someone beautiful. I saw that I was strong for surviving, despite the trials that had come my way. I realized that maybe I did have something to offer to those around me. I saw that I had worth, and it was absolutely liberating.

I don’t think I’d really understood the weight I carried on my shoulders until that weight was lifted. I cried tears of relief to be able to love myself and to not be ashamed of it. I felt free, and I felt happy to be me.

Somehow, in the course of only four days, the Saprea Retreat gave me real happiness—with where I’m at, where I’m going, and especially with who I am. Although complete healing can be a long journey, I’ve learned that it’s okay to be a work in progress. And I think it’s especially okay to love yourself, unapologetically, the whole way through.

-Shaylie, Survivor

Interested in Attending Saprea Retreat?