The power of music to heal

The Power of Music to Heal

There’s evidence to suggest that music can be a powerful tool to help the brain heal when someone has experienced trauma. Award-winning psychiatrist and clinical researcher Norman Doidge observes that music can change the brain and its rhythms: “Brain scans show that when the brain is stimulated by music, its neurons begin to fire in perfect synchrony with it.”1 Here are some ideas you can try.

Music as an expressive tool.

Music can be one way to express things that you might struggle to communicate in other ways. One sexual abuse survivor shared, “Music has always been a big part of my life . . . Being able to sing and write songs was a gentle route through my history and back into myself.”2 Maybe you already play an instrument or have always wanted to learn one. Maybe you write poetry. Try writing a melody to go with one of your poems. See if singing or playing can be a productive expressive tool for you.

Music as a relaxation tool.

Trauma can cause a lot of stress as triggers arise in daily life, and research has shown that listening to music can help with relaxation. For example, one study of university students showed that listening to music reduced the presence of stress hormones in their bodies. Try putting together a playlist of your favorite relaxing songs that you can listen to when your stress level is elevated.

Music as a therapeutic tool.

You also might want to pursue working with a music therapist, a trained professional who uses music as a tool to help you heal. According to the American Music Therapy Association, benefits include everything from “positive changes in mood and emotional states” to “enhanced feelings of control, confidence, and empowerment.”

When it comes to your healing, variety can be one key to help you keep progressing on your journey. Music might be a tool you’ve never used, and it offers some great benefits. Experiment to see how it might be able to help you find relaxation and expression.

References:
1. Doidge, Norman. (2016). The Brain’s Way of Healing: Stories of Remarkable Recoveries and Discoveries. New York: Penguin Books.

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The Role of Exercise in Your Healing Journey

It seems anytime you talk about exercise you’re supposed to talk about weight loss. That’s the primary benefit, right? This is actually false. For a survivor of child sexual abuse, exercise has myriad benefits (and weight loss isn’t even one of them).

When you take the time to practice self-care, that includes finding a way to exercise regularly. That can be overwhelming–especially with the glut of information out there about the “best” way to do pretty much anything and everything.

Before we give you 5 Easy Tips to Exercise Every Day, let’s start by listing the health benefits of daily exercise (for even more information on this, read the book Body Kindness by Rebecca Scritchfield):

  • Increased happiness
  • More energy
  • A greater connection to your body (especially important for a survivor)
  • Better sleep
  • Improved memory
  • Increased self-confidence
  • Less stress
  • Alleviated anxiety
  • Greater creativity
  • Decreased cognitive decline

With so many benefits, what’s stopping you from exercising every day? It probably has something to do with time, energy, confusion of where to start, or something else along those lines. Here are 5 EASY tips for exercising every day:

01
MAKE IT FUN
When did we stop thinking that exercise could be fun? Find something that you love doing, even if you’re not great at it. Try roller skating, aerial silks, take a tango class, or just play tag with your kids outside. Whatever you decide to do, make it fun!
02
DO IT EVERY DAY, IT DOESN'T MATTER HOW LONG
Consistency is key. Even if you only exercise 10 minutes a day, you’ll see the benefits.
03
BE MINDFUL
Use this time to check in with your body. Don’t just go through the motions; really feel your body moving and flexing and stretching. Listen to your heartbeat and pay attention to your breathing.
04
IF AT FIRST YOU DON'T SUCCEED..
Don’t give up. If you miss a day, an exercise doesn’t help, or you find yourself being triggered by something, make adjustments. Don’t give up on exercising altogether. Try something different, commit again, just keep trying.
05
SCHEDULE IT
If you don’t make time for something, you’ll never have time for it. When you’re planning your day, formally or informally, decide when and where you’re going to exercise. It can be as simple as, “I’m going to take the stairs back up to the 6th floor after lunch at work today.”

Exercise will be an incredible help on your healing journey. Take the time to make it a priority, along with your other self-care practices. Make the goal feeling better, not looking better, and you might find that your relationship with exercise changes in a positive way. It’s worth a try, right?

Please note:
One of the links above leads to Amazon. As an Amazon Affiliate, The Younique Foundation gets a small commission when you buy from these links. This is a way to support our cause at no extra cost to you.

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Survivors and Sexual Intimacy

If you’re involved in a relationship with a sexual abuse survivor, there might be moments when you don’t know exactly how you can be most helpful in her recovery. Uncertainty about how to help is especially likely to arise when it comes to the most intimate aspects of your relationship, like sexual activity. You want to have a healthy sexual relationship with your partner, a relationship that leads to well-being and continued healing, but what does this look like?

To help understand the survivor perspective, consider that, for a survivor, her initial sexual experiences happened when she was being threatened, coerced, or manipulated. She wasn’t in a situation where she was able to fully understand what was going on and give consent. Due to these negative experiences, sex and trauma can be strongly linked in her brain. This connection isn’t something a survivor can just forget about or disregard. A supportive partner can be a key part of healing. Here are some specific things you can do to foster a healthy sexual relationship:

Focus on Intimacy, Not Just Sex

Intimacy involves deeply knowing and trusting someone. Survivors often have difficulty trusting people, especially if the perpetrator of abuse was a trusted individual like a close friend or family member. Spend time building intimacy with your partner. Focus on both physical and emotional intimacy. Build physical intimacy through activities like holding hands, giving massages, or just sitting together to watch a movie. Emotional intimacy can come from genuine conversations about feelings, hopes, dreams, and worries. Strong physical and emotional intimacy can lead to a healthier and more satisfying sexual relationship for both partners.

Recognize That Sex Can Be a Trigger

A trigger is something that sparks a memory and reminds people of a traumatic event. Triggers can make a survivor experience a flashback where she feels like abuse is happening again. Unfortunately, sex can be a trigger for many survivors. If you notice that your partner is beginning to shut down or experience anxiety during sex, it could mean that she no longer feels safe. Maybe her triggers include certain positions, sexual acts, places, or smells that you should avoid. Recognize that sex is an activity you will need to approach with care and understanding.

Communicate

One of the keys to the success of your relationship is frequent and open communication. Discuss what is acceptable and what is off-limits when it comes to sex. Your goal here isn’t to explore past trauma in graphic detail. Your goal is to establish what will make her feel safe and comfortable. A survivor might feel like she’s ready for sexual intercourse but then changes her mind. If your partner ever says she wants to stop what you’re doing, then stop. Continuing to have sex will only damage your relationship and possibly make it more difficult to be intimate in the future.

Survivors need to build trust with their sexual partners and feel like they are in charge of their sexual experiences. Focus on ways that you can make sex a safe activity that will empower the survivor in your life and strengthen our sexuality to get healthy.

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When Healing Plateaus

It is good to have an end to journey toward; but it is the journey that matters, in the end.
Ursula K. Le Guin

Think of the last time you took a long road trip. There were probably moments when everything went smoothly. You were on the freeway with a clear sky and an open road, zooming toward your destination. Chances are, there were moments that were less than ideal, too. Maybe it started to rain and you couldn’t see as far as you wanted to. Maybe you spent some time sitting in traffic totally stopped. You knew you would ultimately make it to your destination, but it didn’t feel like you were making much progress as you sat in the traffic jam.

We often refer to healing as a journey, and your journey might feel like a road trip. There are moments when everything is going well and you feel like you’re making good progress toward your goals. But there might be times when you feel like your progress has come to a stop. You just aren’t moving forward the way you want to. You’re sitting in gridlock rather than driving down the road. What can you do if you feel like your healing isn’t progressing the way you want it to? Below are three things you can try:

01
Acknowledge that it’s normal to have some moments when you stall on your healing journey.
Emotional healing is complicated and takes time. There are bound to be ups, downs, and plateaus along the way. Don’t judge yourself if you feel like you’ve hit a roadblock.
02
Spend some time reflecting on everything you’ve accomplished.
Maybe you’ve achieved the recovery goals you set, and that makes you feel like you’ve reached a plateau. Do you need to figure out a new way to challenge yourself to reach the next level of your recovery? Is there a hurdle you’ve resisted facing head-on and now you’re in a place where you can tackle it?
03
Mix up the strategies you use to address your challenges.
For example, if you always journal to work through emotional issues, try doing a physical activity instead to see if it helps you discover new insight. Incorporating variety is one way to find your way out of a rut.

It can be overwhelming to feel like you’re not progressing. Find comfort in the fact that discomfort is a normal part of the healing journey. Just as you expect some traffic and potholes when you drive, you should expect some moments of frustration on your road to recovery. Use these moments to reflect. Remember that you don’t have to resolve everything right now. Just try to find one specific thing you can do today to help yourself on your healing journey.

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5 Ways to Find Healing for Those Struggling After Attending The Haven Retreat

Many may not realize that six months after The Haven Retreat, we reach out to participants to see how they’re doing. We’ve found that while most feel that their life has improved, there’s a small number who don’t.

This blog is for you.

There could be a myriad of reasons why things haven’t improved. It may have been as simple as having a bad day when you filled out the survey, or it could be much more complex than that. Whatever it is, we hope that this blog can help you work through this and find yourself in a happier place.

With that in mind, here are five things that we think will help those of you struggling after The Haven Retreat:

01
PROFESSIONAL AND PERSONAL SUPPORT
Find a therapist you trust who can be a support for you. Start a support group. Create a support system of friends and family members who you can turn to when you need help. The women you went to retreat with can be a great source of encouragement when you’re down.
02
BE HONEST WITH YOURSELF AND OTHERS
Maybe there’s something you aren’t addressing, a roadblock on your healing journey. Perhaps there’s a relationship, a coping mechanism, or a way of thinking that is preventing you from moving forward.
03
SETBACKS CAN HAPPEN
Healing isn’t always a straight path forward. There are ups and downs, and sometimes the downs can be devastating. Don’t give up. Don’t let the downs derail your progress.
04
EMBRACE THE FAITH STRATEGY
One of the 5 Strategies to Reclaim Hope is Faith. It’s all about creating an amazing future for yourself. Sometimes you may not be able to do more than wish for something good to happen, but keep hold of that wish. Visualize the life that you want—even if you can only take one small step toward it today.
05
CHANGE ONE SMALL THING TODAY
Are you overwhelmed? Tired right down to your bones? Exhausted from fighting every day? We understand. So today don’t overwhelm yourself with goals – just pick one. If all you can do today is get out of bed and get dressed, that’s enough. Do what you can do and celebrate yourself for every single step you take.

Although you’re home from The Haven Retreat, we here at The Younique Foundation have not forgotten about you. We want to continue to help you on your healing journey. We want to lend our support. You are not alone.

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Supporting Survivors on Their Healing Journey

If someone close to you is a survivor of sexual abuse, it can be hard to know exactly how to lend your support. While it’s true that survivors have to take ownership of their recovery, you can do a lot to help. You can’t do the healing for them, but there are things you can do to make it easier for them to heal themselves.

In addition to the trauma that survivors can suffer when abuse initially happens, survivors also risk suffering new trauma when they disclose their past experiences if loved ones don’t respond in helpful and healthy ways. Gurvinder Kalra and Dinesh Bhugra point out, “Victims of sexual violence face the danger of suffering negative reactions upon disclosing their trauma.”

When a survivor opens up to you about what has happened to them, acknowledge how much courage it takes to talk about past traumatic experiences. Survivors have often kept their abuse to themselves for years. To them, it might seem easier to stay silent. Let the survivor know that you appreciate their bravery in facing memories and issues that might have happened years ago. Here are some specific things you can do to support your loved one.

Do . . .

  • Thank them for telling you.
  • Reassure them that you are there for them.
  • Validate their feelings.
  • Ask what you can do to help or support them.
  • Let them know that the abuse was not their fault.

Don’t . . .

  • Criticize, blame, shame, or judge them.
  • Excuse or minimize the abuse.
  • Demand to know details of the abuse; they’ll tell you if or when they’re ready.
  • Take control and tell them what they needs to do to heal.
  • Tell them to forget about it or just get over it.
  • Question why they didn’t tell you (or someone else) sooner.

Remember that sexual abuse can create serious problems with trust for survivors because in most situations, perpetrators are people the survivor knew and trusted. The fact that they are willing to open up to you shows that they trusts you. Work to continue to build and maintain that trust.

Your goal is to empower your loved one to make good choices that will lead to healing from past abuse. You can’t heal for them, but you can make the healing process easier.

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The Younique Foundation's 2016 Top 10 Blogs for Survivors

The Younique Foundation’s 2016 Top 10 Blogs for Survivors

The Younique Foundation had an amazing 2016. We were able to connect with so many survivors. Our blog is one of the key ways we do that. So here, in case you missed them, are our top 10 blogs for survivors.

  1. 5 Stages to Finding Healing explores how the five stages of grief are tied to the five stages of healing.
  2. The Relationship Between Addiction and Trauma discusses how childhood trauma can lead to addiction.
  3. Win the Fight Through Mindfulness explains how Mindfulness can help on your healing journey.
  4. The Effect Trauma Has on Your Brain explains how trauma can alter the way that your brain works.
  5. Your Brain and Trauma is another look at how trauma can literally change the way that your brain functions.
  6. The Forgotten Survivor is a guest blog written by The Younique Foundation’s Executive Director, Chris Yadon.
  7. I Get Triggered and That is Okay is a guest blog written by The Younique Foundation’s Image Coordinator, Annie Vandermyde.
  8. 8 Healing Books for Sexual Abuse Survivors is a list of books that any survivor can benefit from reading.
  9. Yoga: A Way to Find Healing for Trauma Survivors explains the great benefits that trauma-sensitive yoga can have on a survivor. It also includes a video that you can watch and try at home.
  10. The 5 Strategies to Reclaim Hope after Trauma gives a definition of each of our 5 Strategies to Reclaim Hope.

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I Get Triggered and That is Okay

“RUN!”

By definition, a trigger is a lever that you pull to fire a gun.

“YOU ARE NOT SAFE!”

The definition of a trauma trigger is not too far off from that. In short, it is something that sets off a memory or a flashback. This causes a person to go back in time to the feelings and memories of the event of his/her original trauma.

“GET OUT. GET OUT. GET OUT. GET OUT.”

I get triggered.

I get triggered and it’s frustrating. Sometimes I can work right through it and be just fine. Other times my emotions and adrenaline are heightened for days as I work to calm myself.

For years, more than I’d like to admit, I didn’t know what a trigger was. As a survivor of abuse I had been triggered for years, but had no idea. Honestly, I felt a little bit crazy.

It could be anything. It could be running into someone from my past. It could be a scent, a genre of music – really anything!

Sometimes I get mad at my body for it. Sometimes I hate the fact that my body remembers that bad, scary, awful things happened to me. Sometimes I wish I could delete the memories.
But what if I could be thankful for a trigger?

Last week, when I was thinking about a trigger and what it really meant for my brain and my body, I let my thoughts go deeper into the meaning and definition of a trigger. I hadn’t ever really thought of being thankful for a trigger. How could I? They were so frustrating and encouraged me to remember and feel things that I’d, truthfully, like to never acknowledge again.

As I let my brain wander I thought back to a song my mom used to sing to me when I was a child. It was a song she had written just for me. “She’s beautiful, my daughter…lying so peacefully. Snug warm and tight…”
One day, when I was in high school, I was having a particularly hard day. My mom came in my room to tuck me in and started singing that song to me. I instantly felt safe. I felt loved, and felt so much comfort in this song. But, guess what?! I did not remember the song. After my mom had sang the entire song I looked up at her and said, “I know that song. Why do I know that song?” She explained to me where the song came from and that she would rock me to sleep as a baby while singing that song to me. My brain remembered…but I did not.

This seems simple, but at that moment I became thankful for my limbic system, the part of my brain that remembers and sends me triggers. The good and the bad. Yes, I get triggered. Yes, it sucks. No, I can’t control that it happens. But, I can also remember the good. I can be triggered to remember the good feelings. I can feel safe when my mom sings me my song. I can feel at home when I smell cinnamon rolls baking, I can remember the fun times in high school when I hear Soak up the Sun by Sheryl Crow.

I can be triggered to remember the good, and those feelings I would not trade for anything. Those memories are so special to me that I wouldn’t want to be rid of them if I had the choice to get rid of triggers all together.

More than anything, I’m thankful for my brain, and my body for looking out for me. For doing it’s job, trying to keep me safe.

I get triggered.

And that’s okay.

About the Author

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8 healing books for survivors of childhood sexual abuse

Healing Books for Sexual Abuse Survivors

Many survivors of childhood sexual abuse ask us for book recommendations that go hand in hand with our 5 Strategies to Reclaim Hope and what we teach at The Haven Retreat. Below you’ll find a list of healing books that our clinicians have found most beneficial for survivors.

01
THE BODY KEEPS THE SCORE: BRAIN, MIND, AND BODY IN THE HEALING OF TRAUMA
By: Bessel van der Kolk
This book goes in depth about trauma in many forms, using examples from van der Kolk’s own experiences with trauma survivors. He makes the argument for not only mentally healing from trauma but also bringing a physical component into it as well. Purchase Here>
02
WRITING AS A WAY OF HEALING: HOW TELLING OUR STORIES TRANSFORMS OUR LIVES
By: Louise DeSalvo
In this research-based, but surprisingly accessible book, DeSalvo shows how someone can use writing as a healthy and effective way to work through their trauma. This is for anyone, not just writers. Purchase Here>
03
OVERCOMING TRAUMA THROUGH YOGA: RECLAIMING YOUR BODY
By: David Emerson & Elizabeth Hopper
This book is an excellent resource for survivors, clinicians, and yoga instructors. It will show you the benefits behind trauma-sensitive yoga and how you can find a class to suit your needs as a survivor. Purchase Here>
04
GETTING PAST YOUR PAST: TAKE CONTROL OF YOUR LIFE WITH SELF-HELP TECHNIQUES FROM EMDR THERAPY
By: Francine Shapiro
If you have any interest in EMDR and the benefits it may have for you, then this book is for you. Shapiro writes in an accessible and reader-friendly way about complex topics that allows almost anyone to understand. Purchase Here>
05
TRAUMA AND MEMORY: BRAIN AND BODY IN A SEARCH FOR THE LIVING PAST
By: Peter Levine
Too often survivors wonder if their memories are accurate and if they can be trusted. Levine draws on 45 years of expertise to address this concern and give you information about how memory is constructed and how influential memories can be on your present moment. Purchase Here>
06
MINDSET: THE NEW PSYCHOLOGY OF SUCCESS
By: Carol Dweck
Success is not dependent merely on abilities and talent, but on the mindset you use when thinking about them. Dweck says that with the right mindset you can motivate anyone, attain your own goals, and find success – both personally and professionally. Purchase Here>
07
FORGIVE FOR GOOD: A PROVEN PRESCRIPTION FOR HEALTH AND HAPPINESS
By: Fred Luskin
With years of study and experiences, Luskin creates a narrative about forgiveness and the benefits it will have in your life. Using real experiences and scientific backing, he gives you real steps to take in order to forgive. Purchase Here>
08
OPENING UP BY WRITING IT DOWN: HOW EXPRESSIVE WRITING IMPROVES HEALTH AND EASES EMOTIONAL PAIN
By: James Pennebaker
Writing is a place where many survivors are first able to break the silence about their abuse. In this book, Pennebaker gives examples, steps to take, and words of encouragement on how you can go about writing your way to healing. Purchase Here>

It’s important to go at your own pace as you heal. Don’t overwhelm yourself with too much information at once. Try reading one of these books, implementing the benefits, letting them become a habit in your life, and then moving on to another. You are the best judge of where you are in your healing journey, but these healing books can help illuminate the path.

Please note:
This post contains links to Amazon. As an Amazon Affiliate, The Younique Foundation gets a small commission if you buy from these links that helps to support our cause at no extra cost to you.

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