The holidays can be hard for a survivor of child sexual abuse, but you can handle it.

How to Handle the Holidays as a Survivor

The Holidays Can Be Difficult

The twinkling lights and smell of pine. Soft scarves and warm food. Music and laughter. The hustle and bustle of the holidays can be fun and exciting. Sometimes though the holiday season can present overwhelming emotions and triggering moments. Holidays and family get-togethers can be trying for anyone, but for survivors of child sexual abuse they can be even more difficult, especially if your family is tied to your abuse in some way. It could be that they didn’t believe you, that they didn’t stop it, that they don’t support you in getting help, or that the person who perpetrated your abuse is in your family. For some survivors, the holidays represent the frightening possibility of being in the same room as the person who abused them.

So, as a survivor, how can you handle the holidays? Or, if you’re someone who loves and supports a survivor, what can you do to make the experience less stressful for them? Whether you’re a survivor or a supporter, you’ll find tools below that can help you traverse this time of year with safety and, hopefully, end up feeling more peace and less dread than you have in the past.

If you’re a survivor, keep reading; everything you need is right below. If you’re a supporter, we have suggestions tailored specifically to you here that can help you understand the ways that you can provide encouragement and safety for the survivor you care about.

Handling the Holidays: Tips for Survivors

As you decide what tools to add to your holiday survival kit, trust your intuition. If something feels right, try it. If something feels like it’s not for you, that’s okay. You can simply move on to the next thing. Some things may be easier if you “practice” them before a potentially triggering situation, especially grounding techniques, which are techniques that can help you focus on and stay in the present moment. For example, when you first learned how to tie your shoes it probably took a lot of thought, time, and concentration; now you can probably tie them without even looking. It may take a lot of energy the first few times you try a new technique (including asking for help), but you’ll improve your ability the more often you do it. The more you’ve practiced a technique, the more effective it will be in moments of distress.

Plan Ahead

One of the best things that you can do for yourself before any event, party, or get-together is to plan ahead. We tried to make it easier for you by creating the guide below. We’ll walk you through each part of this resource step-by-step so you can get the most out of it.

Identify people who can help

There are a variety of ways to manage triggers, but one thing that can be especially helpful at a party or gathering is identifying a person or group of people who are safe and supportive. This could be someone attending the same event, like a family member or friend. It could also be someone you can call or text, like a therapist, if things start to feel overwhelming. Reach out to this supporter or supporters before the event and let them know that you might need them at that event or during that day and time.

Think about what you’ll need from your supporter

When you reach out to let your supporters know that you might need their help, it can be a good idea to let them know a few things that you’ll think will be helpful. This will allow both of you to know what your expectations are. For instance, if you only want someone to listen, it’s important to let your supporter know that, otherwise they may try to fix the problem and make you feel worse. You can also ask them to remind you of a grounding technique that you’ve found effective, or ask them to give you an excuse to leave early if you need it.

Plan out a response to any sexual abuse related questions

When the #MeToo movement began in 2017, it opened up a space for survivors to share their stories and made conversations about sexual abuse more common. If the people at your event know that you are a survivor, it may come up in conversation. If this happens, keep in mind that you are in control of your story and you don’t have to talk about it unless you want to. Plan out a few responses you can use if someone brings this up and you don’t want to share your story or only want to share a part of your story.

Make a list of positive affirmations

Having some positive affirmations ready to use can be a great way to maintain a sense of safety in a stressful situation. You can come up with affirmations that are as general or as specific as you like. Keep in mind that you want these to be encouraging and calming. Instead of saying: “My family will never accept who I am now,” you could tell yourself: “I am enough.” Say your affirmations out loud and see how they make you feel. You can even try writing them down in prominent places so that you see them in the days leading up to the party.

Know when to say no

No one knows what you need better than you do. And sometimes what you need is to not attend a family gathering or holiday event. There can be immense power and relief when you choose to say no. It’s not always easy, however, especially if you feel as though you’re disappointing someone. Take some time to practice declining the invitation. You can even ask a friend to help you roleplay what you’ll do or say. The important thing to remember is that you’re doing what is best for you and your well-being; it’s not selfish, it’s self-care.

Make self-care a priority

Speaking of self-care, it is vital for your healing journey that you make caring for yourself a priority. This looks different for everyone. If the thought of a bubble bath makes you roll your eyes, but the idea of taking a long walk makes you feel peaceful, then walking may be a good form of self-care for you. Sometimes something as simple as taking care of an everyday task that you’ve been putting off can be exactly what you need in a moment. Self-care is important for balance at all times of the year, but critical for survival in the holidays when stress can be more common.

Be Kind to Yourself and Don’t Give Up

If things don’t go well, it can make you feel frustrated and defeated. You may blame yourself for being triggered or not handling things as well as you wanted to. Instead of positive affirmations empowering you, you may give in to negative self-talk and berate yourself with mean thoughts. This presents a wonderful opportunity for you to practice being kind to yourself. You’re on a healing journey and this means that there may be setbacks and detours, but as long as you don’t give up then you’re heading in the right direction.

The holidays can be exhilarating or exhausting; they can be exciting or overwhelming; maybe a mix of all of them. Trust your intuition as you identify what will be best for you. Consider ways to plan ahead, ask for help when you need it, and take care of yourself. Above all, you are absolutely worth the effort, so don’t give up.

Handling the Holidays: Tips for Supporters

It can be hard to see someone you love struggle. It can also be hard to know what to say and how to help when that person is a survivor who has disclosed their abuse to you. There are countless ways that you can be a great supporter, but in our guide below we cover five of the biggest ones. Download the PDF and read on for our tips for making this holiday a happy and healthy one for the survivor in your life and you.

Listen to what they need

Too often when someone comes to us with a problem, we want to fix it or make it better. Sometimes that means that we’re jumping to solutions too quickly. Or, out of a desire to spare them the stress of talking about it, we interrupt or try to change the subject. Put those impulses aside and really listen to what they’re saying. Let them tell you what they need.

Create a safe space

When a survivor is experiencing a trigger or is overwhelmed by their emotions, feeling safe can be the first step in helping them. Work with them to create a safe space (either literally or figuratively, depending on where you are) that will allow them to work through what they’re feeling. During a party or gathering this could mean taking them to a different room, talking to them on the phone, or stepping in to help them escape or navigate a conversation. Talk to them about what you can do to create a safe space for them.

Be a buffer

Holiday parties or family events can be crowded, noisy, or environments where potentially difficult conversation topics arise, all of which can be very challenging for anyone to handle. However, when you are a survivor these same situations may become unbearable. Talk to your survivor about topics or people where they would like you to help out or intervene. Make a plan for how you can support them if that topic arises or that person tries to talk to them. While your first instinct may be to step in and protect, allow the survivor to call the shots. You are there to empower them to handle the situation, not fix it for them. Your behavior may also serve as an example to others and encourage them to adopt similar behaviors.

Encourage self-care

When emotions are high and stressors seem to be coming at them from every side, remind your loved one to take a minute for themselves. Encourage them to practice self-care regularly. Figure out the ways that help them decompress or recharge and try to make those possible for them as often as you can. Continue to listen and be sympathetic to the stressors and holiday busyness that the survivor is trying to navigate. Sometimes it may be especially helpful to encourage your loved one to accomplish a specific number of things on their to-do list, and then to follow that with a self-care break. It’s important to remember that your loved one doesn’t want to feel broken or incapable, and they may feel like ignoring the things they need to do will also backfire. You can remind the survivor how important balance is and that it’s especially important at this busy time of year.

Take care of yourself

Have you ever heard the adage: you can’t pour from an empty cup? It means that you can’t take care of someone else (or fill their cup) when you’re running on empty. Take time to check in with yourself and make sure that you prioritize your own self-care. You and your loved one both benefit when your needs are met before you feel burned out, defeated, or resentful. This is a critical time to practice being kind to yourself. There may be times where you’ll wish you could do more for your survivor, but know that you are a blessing in your loved one’s life and your efforts to provide support and safety is evidence of the good you are doing. (And reminding yourself of this would be a fantastic affirmation.)

Your Efforts Can Make a Difference

For many, the holidays are a wonderful time of the year filled with traditions and good food and the joy of being with the people you love. If a survivor you love is struggling, please know that you make a difference to them. You may not be able to get them to jump up and down with excitement, but you can help them look to this time of year with less dread and more hope. Sometimes letting them know that you’re there for them and they don’t have to go through it alone can make all the difference.

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The Role of Exercise in Your Healing Journey

It seems anytime you talk about exercise you’re supposed to talk about weight loss. That’s the primary benefit, right? This is actually false. For a survivor of child sexual abuse, exercise has myriad benefits (and weight loss isn’t even one of them).

When you take the time to practice self-care, that includes finding a way to exercise regularly. That can be overwhelming–especially with the glut of information out there about the “best” way to do pretty much anything and everything.

Before we give you 5 Easy Tips to Exercise Every Day, let’s start by listing the health benefits of daily exercise (for even more information on this, read the book Body Kindness by Rebecca Scritchfield):

  • Increased happiness
  • More energy
  • A greater connection to your body (especially important for a survivor)
  • Better sleep
  • Improved memory
  • Increased self-confidence
  • Less stress
  • Alleviated anxiety
  • Greater creativity
  • Decreased cognitive decline

With so many benefits, what’s stopping you from exercising every day? It probably has something to do with time, energy, confusion of where to start, or something else along those lines. Here are 5 EASY tips for exercising every day:

01
MAKE IT FUN
When did we stop thinking that exercise could be fun? Find something that you love doing, even if you’re not great at it. Try roller skating, aerial silks, take a tango class, or just play tag with your kids outside. Whatever you decide to do, make it fun!
02
DO IT EVERY DAY, IT DOESN'T MATTER HOW LONG
Consistency is key. Even if you only exercise 10 minutes a day, you’ll see the benefits.
03
BE MINDFUL
Use this time to check in with your body. Don’t just go through the motions; really feel your body moving and flexing and stretching. Listen to your heartbeat and pay attention to your breathing.
04
IF AT FIRST YOU DON'T SUCCEED..
Don’t give up. If you miss a day, an exercise doesn’t help, or you find yourself being triggered by something, make adjustments. Don’t give up on exercising altogether. Try something different, commit again, just keep trying.
05
SCHEDULE IT
If you don’t make time for something, you’ll never have time for it. When you’re planning your day, formally or informally, decide when and where you’re going to exercise. It can be as simple as, “I’m going to take the stairs back up to the 6th floor after lunch at work today.”

Exercise will be an incredible help on your healing journey. Take the time to make it a priority, along with your other self-care practices. Make the goal feeling better, not looking better, and you might find that your relationship with exercise changes in a positive way. It’s worth a try, right?

Please note:
One of the links above leads to Amazon. As an Amazon Affiliate, The Younique Foundation gets a small commission when you buy from these links. This is a way to support our cause at no extra cost to you.

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Survivors and Sexual Intimacy

If you’re involved in a relationship with a sexual abuse survivor, there might be moments when you don’t know exactly how you can be most helpful in her recovery. Uncertainty about how to help is especially likely to arise when it comes to the most intimate aspects of your relationship, like sexual activity. You want to have a healthy sexual relationship with your partner, a relationship that leads to well-being and continued healing, but what does this look like?

To help understand the survivor perspective, consider that, for a survivor, her initial sexual experiences happened when she was being threatened, coerced, or manipulated. She wasn’t in a situation where she was able to fully understand what was going on and give consent. Due to these negative experiences, sex and trauma can be strongly linked in her brain. This connection isn’t something a survivor can just forget about or disregard. A supportive partner can be a key part of healing. Here are some specific things you can do to foster a healthy sexual relationship:

Focus on Intimacy, Not Just Sex

Intimacy involves deeply knowing and trusting someone. Survivors often have difficulty trusting people, especially if the perpetrator of abuse was a trusted individual like a close friend or family member. Spend time building intimacy with your partner. Focus on both physical and emotional intimacy. Build physical intimacy through activities like holding hands, giving massages, or just sitting together to watch a movie. Emotional intimacy can come from genuine conversations about feelings, hopes, dreams, and worries. Strong physical and emotional intimacy can lead to a healthier and more satisfying sexual relationship for both partners.

Recognize That Sex Can Be a Trigger

A trigger is something that sparks a memory and reminds people of a traumatic event. Triggers can make a survivor experience a flashback where she feels like abuse is happening again. Unfortunately, sex can be a trigger for many survivors. If you notice that your partner is beginning to shut down or experience anxiety during sex, it could mean that she no longer feels safe. Maybe her triggers include certain positions, sexual acts, places, or smells that you should avoid. Recognize that sex is an activity you will need to approach with care and understanding.

Communicate

One of the keys to the success of your relationship is frequent and open communication. Discuss what is acceptable and what is off-limits when it comes to sex. Your goal here isn’t to explore past trauma in graphic detail. Your goal is to establish what will make her feel safe and comfortable. A survivor might feel like she’s ready for sexual intercourse but then changes her mind. If your partner ever says she wants to stop what you’re doing, then stop. Continuing to have sex will only damage your relationship and possibly make it more difficult to be intimate in the future.

Survivors need to build trust with their sexual partners and feel like they are in charge of their sexual experiences. Focus on ways that you can make sex a safe activity that will empower the survivor in your life and strengthen our sexuality to get healthy.

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When Healing Plateaus

It is good to have an end to journey toward; but it is the journey that matters, in the end.
Ursula K. Le Guin

Think of the last time you took a long road trip. There were probably moments when everything went smoothly. You were on the freeway with a clear sky and an open road, zooming toward your destination. Chances are, there were moments that were less than ideal, too. Maybe it started to rain and you couldn’t see as far as you wanted to. Maybe you spent some time sitting in traffic totally stopped. You knew you would ultimately make it to your destination, but it didn’t feel like you were making much progress as you sat in the traffic jam.

We often refer to healing as a journey, and your journey might feel like a road trip. There are moments when everything is going well and you feel like you’re making good progress toward your goals. But there might be times when you feel like your progress has come to a stop. You just aren’t moving forward the way you want to. You’re sitting in gridlock rather than driving down the road. What can you do if you feel like your healing isn’t progressing the way you want it to? Below are three things you can try:

01
Acknowledge that it’s normal to have some moments when you stall on your healing journey.
Emotional healing is complicated and takes time. There are bound to be ups, downs, and plateaus along the way. Don’t judge yourself if you feel like you’ve hit a roadblock.
02
Spend some time reflecting on everything you’ve accomplished.
Maybe you’ve achieved the recovery goals you set, and that makes you feel like you’ve reached a plateau. Do you need to figure out a new way to challenge yourself to reach the next level of your recovery? Is there a hurdle you’ve resisted facing head-on and now you’re in a place where you can tackle it?
03
Mix up the strategies you use to address your challenges.
For example, if you always journal to work through emotional issues, try doing a physical activity instead to see if it helps you discover new insight. Incorporating variety is one way to find your way out of a rut.

It can be overwhelming to feel like you’re not progressing. Find comfort in the fact that discomfort is a normal part of the healing journey. Just as you expect some traffic and potholes when you drive, you should expect some moments of frustration on your road to recovery. Use these moments to reflect. Remember that you don’t have to resolve everything right now. Just try to find one specific thing you can do today to help yourself on your healing journey.

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5 Ways to Find Healing for Those Struggling After Attending The Haven Retreat

Many may not realize that six months after The Haven Retreat, we reach out to participants to see how they’re doing. We’ve found that while most feel that their life has improved, there’s a small number who don’t.

This blog is for you.

There could be a myriad of reasons why things haven’t improved. It may have been as simple as having a bad day when you filled out the survey, or it could be much more complex than that. Whatever it is, we hope that this blog can help you work through this and find yourself in a happier place.

With that in mind, here are five things that we think will help those of you struggling after The Haven Retreat:

01
PROFESSIONAL AND PERSONAL SUPPORT
Find a therapist you trust who can be a support for you. Start a support group. Create a support system of friends and family members who you can turn to when you need help. The women you went to retreat with can be a great source of encouragement when you’re down.
02
BE HONEST WITH YOURSELF AND OTHERS
Maybe there’s something you aren’t addressing, a roadblock on your healing journey. Perhaps there’s a relationship, a coping mechanism, or a way of thinking that is preventing you from moving forward.
03
SETBACKS CAN HAPPEN
Healing isn’t always a straight path forward. There are ups and downs, and sometimes the downs can be devastating. Don’t give up. Don’t let the downs derail your progress.
04
EMBRACE THE FAITH STRATEGY
One of the 5 Strategies to Reclaim Hope is Faith. It’s all about creating an amazing future for yourself. Sometimes you may not be able to do more than wish for something good to happen, but keep hold of that wish. Visualize the life that you want—even if you can only take one small step toward it today.
05
CHANGE ONE SMALL THING TODAY
Are you overwhelmed? Tired right down to your bones? Exhausted from fighting every day? We understand. So today don’t overwhelm yourself with goals – just pick one. If all you can do today is get out of bed and get dressed, that’s enough. Do what you can do and celebrate yourself for every single step you take.

Although you’re home from The Haven Retreat, we here at The Younique Foundation have not forgotten about you. We want to continue to help you on your healing journey. We want to lend our support. You are not alone.

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Supporting Survivors on Their Healing Journey

If someone close to you is a survivor of sexual abuse, it can be hard to know exactly how to lend your support. While it’s true that survivors have to take ownership of their recovery, you can do a lot to help. You can’t do the healing for them, but there are things you can do to make it easier for them to heal themselves.

In addition to the trauma that survivors can suffer when abuse initially happens, survivors also risk suffering new trauma when they disclose their past experiences if loved ones don’t respond in helpful and healthy ways. Gurvinder Kalra and Dinesh Bhugra point out, “Victims of sexual violence face the danger of suffering negative reactions upon disclosing their trauma.”

When a survivor opens up to you about what has happened to them, acknowledge how much courage it takes to talk about past traumatic experiences. Survivors have often kept their abuse to themselves for years. To them, it might seem easier to stay silent. Let the survivor know that you appreciate their bravery in facing memories and issues that might have happened years ago. Here are some specific things you can do to support your loved one.

Do . . .

  • Thank them for telling you.
  • Reassure them that you are there for them.
  • Validate their feelings.
  • Ask what you can do to help or support them.
  • Let them know that the abuse was not their fault.

Don’t . . .

  • Criticize, blame, shame, or judge them.
  • Excuse or minimize the abuse.
  • Demand to know details of the abuse; they’ll tell you if or when they’re ready.
  • Take control and tell them what they needs to do to heal.
  • Tell them to forget about it or just get over it.
  • Question why they didn’t tell you (or someone else) sooner.

Remember that sexual abuse can create serious problems with trust for survivors because in most situations, perpetrators are people the survivor knew and trusted. The fact that they are willing to open up to you shows that they trusts you. Work to continue to build and maintain that trust.

Your goal is to empower your loved one to make good choices that will lead to healing from past abuse. You can’t heal for them, but you can make the healing process easier.

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The Younique Foundation's 2016 Top 10 Blogs for Survivors

The Younique Foundation’s 2016 Top 10 Blogs for Survivors

The Younique Foundation had an amazing 2016. We were able to connect with so many survivors. Our blog is one of the key ways we do that. So here, in case you missed them, are our top 10 blogs for survivors.

  1. 5 Stages to Finding Healing explores how the five stages of grief are tied to the five stages of healing.
  2. The Relationship Between Addiction and Trauma discusses how childhood trauma can lead to addiction.
  3. Win the Fight Through Mindfulness explains how Mindfulness can help on your healing journey.
  4. The Effect Trauma Has on Your Brain explains how trauma can alter the way that your brain works.
  5. Your Brain and Trauma is another look at how trauma can literally change the way that your brain functions.
  6. The Forgotten Survivor is a guest blog written by The Younique Foundation’s Executive Director, Chris Yadon.
  7. I Get Triggered and That is Okay is a guest blog written by The Younique Foundation’s Image Coordinator, Annie Vandermyde.
  8. 8 Healing Books for Sexual Abuse Survivors is a list of books that any survivor can benefit from reading.
  9. Yoga: A Way to Find Healing for Trauma Survivors explains the great benefits that trauma-sensitive yoga can have on a survivor. It also includes a video that you can watch and try at home.
  10. The 5 Strategies to Reclaim Hope after Trauma gives a definition of each of our 5 Strategies to Reclaim Hope.

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Gaining Power Through Surrender

When memories or triggers crash in on you there are three choices on how to respond. You can, 1) run away from them, 2) fight them, or 3) simply acknowledge them and let them be through the Power of Surrender. Only one choice has proven to be effective in the long run. That is to acknowledge memories and triggers as they come and choose to let them be.

It might seem counter-intuitive that surrendering is the key to taking back your life after trauma. But as you use the concept of surrender, you’ll learn to understand when and what to fight. It all begins with permission.

There are two main parts of the brain that are critical for survivors of childhood sexual abuse to understand to overcome their trauma. The first part is the limbic system, the unconscious part of the brain. The limbic system controls our survival needs as well as our physical desires. This instinctive part of the brain can exert a powerful influence on a person’s behavior due to triggers and cravings. However, it can’t force you into behaviors.

The limbic system can’t move your arms, legs, hands, or feet. That part belongs to the frontal lobe. The frontal lobe is the conscious part of the brain that helps you reason and think through emotions. For us to act on triggering thoughts, our frontal lobe must give permission to the limbic system.

Consider this example:

Sarah has been dealing with triggers due to her childhood sexual abuse for quite some time. When she sees something or someone that reminds her of her trauma, her limbic system screams at her to run away from the triggering thought by eating some type of food to help relieve the pain and help her escape from reality. While the limbic system is screaming, the frontal lobe, in the midst of chaos, decides to give the limbic system the permission it needs to keep Sarah safe. Sarah then eats the candy bar, thus creating a cycle that perpetuates the trauma without finding true healing.

But what if Sarah did this exercise instead? She sees something or someone that reminds her of her trauma. Her limbic system screams at her to run away from the triggering thought by eating. However, Sarah, using her frontal lobe, takes a step back and becomes aware of her surroundings, acknowledges the limbic system’s wants and fears, and says this:

“Oh, that’s my limbic system trying to take care of me by avoiding reality because my reality is causing me some pain right now. My limbic system wants a candy bar and why wouldn’t IT? IT’s just doing what it was meant to do. I don’t need to be angry or frustrated with IT. I’ll just let the limbic system be and do nothing with the thought and craving.”

She then sits with the feeling for a few minutes, and the thought eases up. Through this exercise, she was able to give more power to her frontal lobe and not give permission to her limbic system. In turn, Sarah can find some peace and healing through surrender by letting IT be.

As you use the concept of surrender, you’ll learn to understand when and what to fight.

A person facing disturbing memories of the past must remain aware that trying to crush, kill, destroy, and run away from unwanted thoughts tends to make the thoughts stronger because they are coming from the unconscious. You cannot reason with that part of the brain.

By gently acknowledging the thoughts and learning to let them be, those thoughts will dissipate faster than any other method. Letting them be is completely different than giving the thoughts your full attention or denying them.

You might ask, “How am I supposed to surrender to these thoughts without letting them take over?” The paradox is that when you learn to acknowledge these thoughts peacefully, they tend to lose their power because you’re not fighting them. Such thoughts are simply treated as events to be experienced as part of being human.

Think back to Sarah’s example. She was able to find healing by gently acknowledging the triggering thought and letting it be. She didn’t act on it, and she didn’t give permission to her limbic system to take over. She just let the thought be.

Power is gained from surrendering and accepting that triggering thoughts are not bad. Every time a trigger hits, all you need to do is become aware of your surroundings, acknowledge your feelings and thoughts, then let them be. The more you practice this strategy, the more likely you’ll be able to find the healing you desperately want.

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