For many years, 11 to be exact, I thought I had overcome my abuse and it wasn’t something I needed help with. Some of my triggers have come up over the course of the past year and the abuse was haunting me. I became a very angry person again and hurt the ones I loved most. When I lost the love of my life because of my anger, I knew I needed to face the demons that I had pushed off for so long.

I was lucky enough to hear someone else’s story about their experience at the Saprea Retreat. That moment I knew it was my time to go. I applied first and then told my aunt that I was taking the plunge to get help and become a better version of myself. She was so supportive, and I think relieved that I was finally going to seek help for myself to become healed.

The next two weeks went so fast as I awaited the day I was flying to Utah for my new beginning of life. I felt so many emotions that day and I wasn’t even sure if I was going to go through with it. Boy, was I sure happy and blessed that I followed through with the healing that I sought. Within the last week, I have learned that I am a survivor. I am not disgusting. It is NOT my fault. I am beautiful.

Getting the tools I needed to be able to continue life without anger is more than I could ever ask for. In just four short days, I was able to overcome my anger and feel happiness. I was able to see my beauty and know what I have to offer.

-Ashley, Survivor

I’m going to be honest – it bothered me deeply to be called a survivor. To me, to be called a survivor meant that I was saying that I was weak. So before I attended the Saprea Retreat, and to ease my mind, I decided to look up what the word “survivor” meant. To my surprise, the definition touched my heart.

“1. Someone or something that still exists after an event that could have killed or destroyed them.
2. Someone who manages to continue a successful life despite very bad experiences.”

To be a survivor means that I Exist. I am still here and thriving. The sexual abuse that was done to me as a child and early teen wanted to define me and wipe me out of existence physically and emotionally. For many years I struggled with my very existence and I hated my existence. It wasn’t until three years ago when I was going to commit suicide that I realized my choice would not only affect me but everyone that my life touched. My powerful choice was choosing to LOVE myself for the first time and exist.

No longer would suicidal thoughts exist to cloud my mind. No longer would depression exist to steal all of my beautiful moments. No longer would fear paralyze me from fulfilling my dreams and no longer would the pain of my past exist to block me from feeling or receiving Love.

Why? BECAUSE I EXIST!

My very existence is POWERFUL. The very fact that I exist, that I survived, has changed this world for the better.

My experience at the Saprea Retreat will never be forgotten. It was truly life-changing and has helped my heart to open so that I can receive Love. This is HUGE for me and such a great breakthrough.

Thank you so very much to Derek and Shelaine Maxfield for Saprea; it is truly a Godsend. Thank you so very much to all the beautiful staff at the Saprea Retreat. Your love, care, and support are graciously appreciated. God bless you all abundantly.

To all my beautiful survivor sisters, I want you to know that you are loved, you matter, and you exist. You are more powerful than you think. Keep shining bright being you and don’t, I repeat, don’t ever turn down your light for no one. You were made to SHINE. Lastly, celebrate yourself with every step that you take. You are worth celebrating. I love you!

-Charmaine, Survivor

I understand how uncomfortable it is to talk about what happened as a child. For the longest time, I struggled to talk to people about my story. I truly hope sharing my story will help you feel not alone.

At times I’ve felt alone, scared, and abandoned. Not knowing who to trust. As a child, I felt like it was my fault for what happened to me. I felt ugly, angry, and anxious. Later in life, I struggled with depression. When I lived in Albuquerque, NM is when I found a wonderful homeopathic doctor who helped me see things in a different light.

I found forgiveness and hope. Hope that I was not alone. I felt safe in knowing it wasn’t my fault for what happened to me as a child. I was taken advantage of. I’ve learned to love myself knowing what happened to me was not my fault. Going to the Saprea Retreat opened my eyes much more. It helped me realize we are not alone. There are other women out there who need to find hope, to fight back to know they are enough. You are loved. Keep on fighting, and find your voice.

-Michelle, Survivor

As a child I never felt whole, I always felt like there was a void in my life that I couldn’t fill. I had very deep emotions and was a sensitive child. I was shy and distant and felt like I was much different from the other children.

The abuse went on until my family moved when I was 12 years old. I told a woman I trusted from my church; she was the first person I ever told.

These memories invaded my thoughts, constantly. I had so much anger toward him and toward my parents for letting me be at his house alone and overnight so many times. I stopped caring about everything. I dropped out of high school in my senior year. I started using marijuana and cocaine. I met someone who lived on the other side of the country and hopped on a bus and ran away. I finally returned home but continued to use drugs. They were my escape from the abuse and life in general. I was able to find sobriety and will celebrate 4 years sober this year!

In June 2017, my fiancé tagged me in a post on Facebook. Someone was sharing their story and talking about this amazing place called the Saprea Retreat. I considered it, I couldn’t believe it was free of cost, that it was only a 30-minute drive, and that there was something like this out there. It seemed too good to be true. I knew I needed to apply and go. I had been working so many years on trying to forgive him for what he did to me. I spent so many years being a victim.

I had a very special experience at the retreat. I was able to meet some amazing women with similar stories. I was able to attend classes, a mini makeover, and group therapy. On the last night of the retreat, I wrote a letter to my abuser. When I was done, I went outside, in the dark, under the stars and in the beauty of nature. And I read his letter aloud, hoping God would let it echo in his ears for eternity. I closed my eyes before I was done reading and pictured me as a little girl, hurt and alone and crying on the floor. And then a light came on, and the little girl looked up and saw the woman who I am today. I took the little girl’s hand, I helped her up and brought her out of the darkness. At the end of the letter, I said, “I finally break these chains you have held on me. You no longer get to control me. And now I am free.” I tore the letter up and threw it in the fire.

-Rachel, Survivor

Hope. I never knew that one word could have such a huge impact on my life. Ever since my abuse, I never believed there was hope for me.

Arriving at the Saprea Retreat, I was a ball of nerves and anxiety, but those feelings quickly faded once I vowed to not isolate myself. I learned it was okay to cry, to feel, to scream, and to be happy. The activity that put a lot into perspective for me was the kintsugi project. It showed me that what was once broken can be mended and become something even more beautiful. I have truly taken that to heart and live every day reclaiming hope. The lessons and coping techniques I learned while at the Saprea Retreat have empowered me to be my best me. I’m a survivor and a warrior. I have hope.

-Stephaney, Survivor

I am not what happened to me. I am what I choose to become.

I never thought I would say those words. I never thought I would be okay. Today I choose happy. I choose strong.

I was abused beginning at a very young age, and this abuse continued into adulthood. My mother knew of my abuse, yet did not stop it. I felt alone, scared, and unprotected. I blamed myself for my abuse.

I applied and was accepted to the Saprea Retreat. I was scared. Scared I would be judged. The opposite happened. I found hope. I found 21 other women who are strong and who understood me. I was immediately accepted. For the first time, I truly believed that my abuse was not my fault. I now have a group of strong women behind me, my tribe. They are my best friends. They give me strength when I can’t find it in myself.

I’m still learning to forgive my abuser. But, I have learned to forgive myself. I can smile again. I am truly happy. This retreat has saved my life.

-Angela, Survivor

Nineteen years after my trauma, the effects of PTSD had manifested and I felt like I’d completely lost control. I was fortunate to start my healing with a therapist in 2016. However, I needed more, but I didn’t know what I needed.

Thanks to social media, I heard about the Saprea Retreat. I saw a video of Shelaine Maxfield talking about the retreat, and I immediately felt like I should attend. I applied and I feel so blessed that I was offered a spot.

For me, the experience at the retreat is indescribable. Because much of the retreat focuses on educating survivors, I was able to learn what happens to survivors of childhood and adolescent sexual trauma. Honestly, knowledge really is power. I am empowered by what I learned about my brain and my body. I learned coping skills and gained confidence. I realized I’m not alone. The experiences and presentations offered so many chances to discover more about myself and to heal.

I felt rejuvenated by the peace at the retreat, although I was apprehensive to attend, I immediately felt comfortable and safe. The staff was so caring and genuinely kind. This retreat helped me accept who I am; my story. With the knowledge gained there, I feel eager to continue down the path of healing.

I am forever grateful for the friendships I made with women from all over the world. We are survivors. I felt closer to these women in a day than I have with people in a very long time. We are a sisterhood of survivors!

I feel confident. I love me! I haven’t been able to say that for a very long time. I am a survivor. I am reclaiming hope. I am strong, beautiful, and worthy of love and happiness!

-Andrea, Survivor

For as far back as I can remember, I could never look into a mirror and be happy with the person looking back at me. I was depressed, angry, and felt completely unworthy. I built walls around myself, pushing people away to protect myself from ever getting hurt again. Little did I know that I was only making things worse.

In July of 2015, I decided it was time to face my fear and share my story, in hopes that someone could relate to me. After sharing my story, my temper got worse. My mood swings became more frequent. I became more distant with my husband. I blamed it all on giving birth to my youngest son, 11 months prior. It had to be my hormones, right? WRONG! At this point I didn’t know who I was anymore. There were very few things in life that would make me happy. I came to my breaking point and knew something had to change.

The Saprea Retreat was a huge eye opening experience for me. I learned so much about myself. I was finally, for the first time in years, able to connect with my body. I was able to feel again. I’m learning how to love me.

It was so incredibly peaceful at the retreat. The bonding that I experienced with these women in such a short amount of time was mind-blowing. I had never been surrounded by so many women and felt accepted. Attending the Saprea Retreat was definitely life-changing for me. I’m now looking forward to continuing my healing process at home. I’m ready to love and accept who I am because I am worth it. We all are worth it!

-Theresa, Survivor

When I came to the Saprea Retreat, I was terrified. I didn’t know what to expect. I was worried about my kids and my husband at home. What would they do without me? But when I started learning more about my trauma and how to cope, and that I am not alone, I realized this was something I have needed for a long time.

Not only did I come out of this experience stronger than ever before. I gained sisters, a family that I will never forget. And I have learned how important it is to put myself first sometimes. Letting go of my past, and forgiving, so I can move on.

-Danielle, Survivor

I thought that I had gotten over the abuse because I became so good at suppressing the feelings that came along with it. It took a big health crisis for me to also pay attention to the emotional crisis I had been silently dealing with for 20 years. The Saprea Retreat and the continued support from Saprea helped me to realize that I could live life and not just go through life.

I was not enjoying and recognizing the vast range of emotions that we as human beings are entitled to. I was numb for much of my life. I am the face of 1 in 4. I will do everything in my power to help others find the help they need.

-Martha, Survivor