I Wasn’t Happy, But I Knew I Wanted to Get There
Being a young girl growing up in an era where not having a father was common, you tend to crave the love and attention you never had a chance of receiving. It caused me to wander in places I had no business going, seeking validation from individuals who didn’t mean well, in hopes of finding all of the things I couldn’t get from the one person I thought would be there to teach me how to love and be loved.
I suffered from depression from an early age, I felt things ten times more. I fell victim to every “I love you” and I taught myself to normalize manipulative and narcissistic behaviors and abuse. I couldn’t see love being defined any other way besides aggressiveness. I thought the amount of pain I felt was equivalent to the love each person had for me. I spent a lot of time begging others to see my worth, my value, when I couldn’t even see it in myself. What was I really begging them to see? How little I thought of myself, how worthless I felt and how content I was with settling for less than what I deserved. I unknowingly set the tone for every relationship I entered. People knew how to treat me by observing the way I treated myself. How could I find true love if I never started with the source?
I reached a point in my life where I was able to walk away from the toxicity. I was finally ALONE. Left with my thoughts and my own insecurities, I had nothing but time to reflect. While getting to know me again, I became friends with a guy who didn’t want anything from me except friendship, I couldn’t believe I had someone truly in my corner who genuinely cared about my well-being. We began conversing frequently, discussing the strengths and weaknesses in our journey of celibacy. I felt very comfortable with him, so decided to have a movie night at his place. The guy I spent so much time venting to ended up raping me by the end of the night.
I was completely broken and, oftentimes, felt defeated. As time went on things had gotten so bad I wanted to end my life. My son SAVED me. I decided to be the person I needed to be for MYSELF. I wasn’t happy, but I knew I wanted to get there, I allowed myself to become vulnerable and work through that pain for a while.
You don’t have to pretend like you have it all figured out if you know you don’t. It’s okay to NOT be okay! Healing isn’t easy nor will it be pretty. It will be just you and your pain confronting one another. Cry, scream, shout! Just make sure once you’re done, you pick up those pieces and start rebuilding.
I had to realize there was purpose in my pain. I learned to redirect my thoughts and take accountability for my own happiness. I could no longer live with this burden. I was tired. I couldn’t be afraid of walking away from things that didn’t build me up. Yes, the unknown is scary, but so is staying in a situation that no longer serves you! I knew if I hadn’t started right then, I would not be where I am today. I’m stronger, I’m wiser and I’m better! Be kind to yourself, progress, even in the smallest form, is still progress!! Life after abuse isn’t easy, you have to choose yourself over your past, the toxicity and your pain every day, but the outcome will always be income. CHOOSE YOU!
– Jovon, Survivor