I don’t really know how old I was when he started to abuse me, but my mother noticed a change in my personality at around 3 or 4 years of age. I began to withdraw socially and started to exhibit signs of anxiety. I still begged to stay at the farm though because even with what was happening externally, I craved the peace that being out on the farm brought me internally. I needed the country, the fresh air, the animals, the nature.

I did my very best to block out most of the abuse I endured, but I find myself having more memories flood my mind as I continue on my healing journeyThe things that I do remember brought feelings of guilt, shame, betrayal, anger, disappointment, despair… It’s been a heavy burden to carry.

After I finally stopped going to the farm at around 12 years of age, the shame and anger and guilt ate at me until I finally turned him in. My family was falling apart (parents were divorcing), my emotions were always super high, and my relationship with my family was crumbling because of my emotional outbursts, it was a horrible time for me.

In the last couple years, I’ve begun to address my life and have found great hope in recovery and healing. I found my passion and purpose in healing myself and helping as many others along the way as possible.

-Hillary, Survivor

I was his daughter, he was my abuser.

As an adult, while sitting on the couch in my therapist’s office holding a picture of myself as a child, I remembered the night that picture was taken. I was innocent, but the night was not, his actions were certainly not. I turned the picture over and saw the date stamped on the back “1985.” I was 4.

It was in that moment that I freed myself of the guilt, the pain, the agony of calling myself a victim. I was a mere child when the only man in my life, who should have forever protected me, stole from me. He stole my innocence, my childhood, and in turn, much of my adolescence. I had spent the last 20+ years in silence, afraid to speak my truth, afraid to admit to myself and especially to others, the real reason why my adult life had been riddled with pain, drugs, alcohol, bad decisions, bad choices in men, anger, rage, and guilt.

Children don’t fight back, because they can’t. We are taught to trust those we love, and those that love us. I realized the abuse was not my fault, and I no longer allowed it to be my burden to bear. I had given him too much of my life already. I began to give that little girl permission to LET GO and begin to HEAL. I began to take my life back. From that moment on, I no longer saw myself as a victim, but as a SURVIVOR. I have found my voice and no longer allow the unwanted actions of my father dictate who I am, who I become, and who hears me roar. This November I will celebrate 12 years drug free, I am the mother to a beautiful boy, and I live everyday with pride. I am proof that on the other side of hell, there is light.

-Sasha, Survivor

I was 5 years old when it first happened. I didn’t understand what was going on because I was only a child and looked up to my stepdad. He always provided for my mom, brother and I, but favored me. In order to get whatever material things I wanted I’d have to let him use me. Throughout the 7 years this was happening I always felt empty and lost inside, not knowing when it would end.

One day I finally had enough and told my mom what was happening; thank goodness she believed me and we ended up moving. Even though I got out of the abusive situation, growing up in my teenage years I was always depressed, thought that everything was my fault, and didn’t deserve to live. In my 20s my friend suggested I go to a women’s retreat to help heal from my damaged heart.

I’m so thankful my friend suggested me to go because not only was I able to meet other women that have been through what I have, but I was finally able to learn how to heal. Each of us took our turns telling our story. We learned how to tell ourselves that none of it was our fault. I now live my life not feeling guilty of being abused or feeling sorry for myself. My heart will forever have a scar, but I chose not to live my life as a victim anymore; instead I live stronger and happier.

-Danielle, Survivor

My daughter is nearly 5 years old, which is the first age in my known memory of my innocence being taken from me. It occurred continuously for years after that. I look at my oldest daughter and I see me. Only I have spent the majority of my life avoiding the fact that I am the child in my own memories. Her childhood wonder about simple things and ability to look in the mirror and see beauty in herself is so magical and yet so foreign to me. She lives in a world that I never experienced and seeing what was taken from me unfold before my eyes is jarring.

My biggest inspiration for attending the Saprea Retreat was my husband and daughters. I knew my trauma was affecting my marriage and my motherhood but I didn’t fully understand how. I’ve looked in the mirror my whole life and felt “not real,” stuck, and worthless. I began to look at my beautiful little family and felt desperately that I wanted to engage; to exemplify confidence to my daughters but I didn’t know how. Then I attended the Saprea Retreat.

I felt a freedom there that I have never felt before. A freedom to be me, to feel beautiful, to feel worthwhile, to be allowed joy and genuine friendship with other survivors who ACTUALLY UNDERSTOOD ME. I felt safe, un-pitied and for once I felt completely NORMAL. As a result of all this, I was able to let my guard down and soak in all the information and experiences.

It has been nearly a year since I attended the Saprea Retreat. There will never be the right words to express my gratitude for this experience. I have been given hope, a voice, tools for continued healing, and, almost just as important as those things, I’ve been given permission to fall down and the grace to pick myself up again. I am able to participate more fully in my own life now. I am a better wife, a better mother, and a more confident me. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for everything you have given me. I will continue on towards more healing for myself (because I’m worth it!!!), for my husband, and for my daughters.

-Kristina, Survivor

P.S. To the friends who sent me there (you know who you are) thank you for believing I had enough worth to start my healing journey.

I was seven when my abuse started by my own brother, it carried on until I turned 15. It never seemed this long to me, because I lived many traumatic things in my life and I never talked about it. I always had a smile on my face and always wanted to make others happy. I kept it all inside me and hidden.

I met a girl and we understood each other very well. She talked about guilt and shame. Something happened to me and it all broke down. All the sadness, anger, pain, and guilt I kept inside was leaving in this moment of time. There I felt free. I have been in therapy one year now, trying to work on my depression, BPD, and PTSD. Healing isn’t easy, especially not physically. But no one should give up. Someone can break our past but we choose the future.

-Lisa, Survivor

It has almost been 7 months since I attended the Saprea Retreat. When I arrived at the Saprea Retreat I was a proud mom of two incredible boys, thankful for the life I had, and 6 months separated from a 20-year marriage. I questioned whether I really needed to be there and wrestled with if I was taking a spot that someone else needed more. I have waited to write my story with the hope of having an ending of restoration because everyone loves a happy ending, right?

I guess I was using my separation/marriage as another deflection from myself or maybe as an achievement…as if there could be no victory if the marriage truly did fail. However, I do have a story of restoration: the restoration is ME. I am being restored and what a precious gift that is in itself! I am learning how to live freely and openly for the first time in my life. It’s not easy but I can tell you, it is worth it. Child abuse can carry such a heavy weight. That weight was unrecognizable for me until I started shedding it.

I went to the Saprea Retreat as a way of putting myself in time out, away from everything and to see if my childhood really was the root of many underlying issues. I needed clarity. My childhood, from the age of 4 through young adulthood, consisted of being sexually abused multiple times by a loved and trusted family member, living in an emotionally/verbally, and at times, physically abusive home, and rape.

Yet, I lived and carried on as though none of those things ever took place or were ever a big deal. I had pushed so much down and to the side, made myself so small, that I barely recognized who I was anymore. Oddly enough, even though my then-husband is not an abusive person, our relationship took very unhealthy turns and twists from early on and continued until it ended. I had become stuck in what we now know as a fight, flight, and freeze cycle. So much of our married relationship had become triggers of all of these feelings, dreams, and anxiety attacks I couldn’t fully connect to or logically explain why they were happening; except that somehow he and his behavior were the cause and I wasn’t doing enough, being enough or missing the mark on how to fix it all. However, the root was so much deeper than behavior and lack.

My subconscious “push down and carry on” coping mechanisms were no longer working. Unrecognized shame and fear also took i’s toll on myself and relationships, including parenting to a degree. I am talking more about my then-marriage and parenting because I think this is such a huge but hidden issue in many households, including my own when I was a child. We went to many counselors and only once touched on the possibility of me having similar feelings of PTSD but it was presented in a way that couldn’t be fully accepted. I had “coped” and “carried” myself so well, the other counselors just couldn’t put their “finger on it.”

Attending the Saprea Retreat connected what none of us could put our finger on which was trauma and underlying shame. I now understand trauma, recognize it for what it is, and will not allow myself to get stuck again in the unseen. I also was able to leave every ounce of the responsibility I had been carrying of other people’s actions at the Saprea Retreat and in Utah. I finally felt peace and met some amazing new friends. I allowed someone else to do my hair and makeup, without me being able to see what was being done, for the first time since I was a little girl. I felt a much-needed release in practicing Muay Thai and saw the importance of connecting with our body. The staff and counselors went above and beyond for everyone. The education we continue to receive is invaluable.

Now almost 7 months after the retreat and 13 months single, I am still the proud mom of two incredible boys, feeling blessed for this life I have been given, enjoying the friendship and co-parenting relationship with their dad, living a happy/busy life, and doing everything I can to bring awareness/prevention of child abuse while trying to help adult survivors thrive; living unashamedly restored!

-Susie, Survivor

My mother and I lived with her parents due to her mental status when my father abandoned us. My grandparents acted as guardians for both of us. For at least five years of my childhood, my grandfather would sexually abuse me while my grandmother would be at church. My mom was the one who rescued me. I remember thinking it was my fault.

Over the years many times I had questioned and pondered why my grandmother didn’t take me with her. The mental struggle was real. I had thoughts of suicide and even attempted a few different times. As a teenager, I became rebellious and looked for love in all the wrong places.

When I was around 17 my grandfather was diagnosed with cancer. I will never forget that moment that my large family all gathered to hear the news. I was sitting right below him and it was like I was being told in that moment, “Do it now. It’s time.” I felt a complete peace surround me as I told him that I forgave him for everything that he ever did to me.

My family was raised to keep things quiet so that there wouldn’t be an embarrassment to the family name, but it was in that moment that I experienced the greatest freedom because I truly forgave. How? I don’t know.

I made the decision to no longer be a victim so that I can share my story with other women to empower them too.

-Felicia, Survior

When I went to the Saprea Retreat I hadn’t really told my story or my trauma to many people. I also hadn’t ever gone to therapy; I didn’t want to relive my past, but I also knew that I was tired of being depressed and anxious. I had anxiety attacks on the drive to the retreat, but the mountains and canyons gave me hope. They were so beautiful, and if I could still see the beauty in nature, then maybe I could start to see the beauty in me. My biggest breakthrough while at the retreat was when we used our kintsugi bowls to hold beads, even something broken can function as it once did.

Since coming home, I’ve had my ups and downs. I finally started seeing a therapist and I had a breakthrough in my first session and on multiple occasions she has praised me on my coping skills and determination, all things I learned at the Saprea Retreat. I know I still have so far to go as a survivor but I know that the retreat has started me down a truly life changing journey and I will be forever grateful.

-Allison, Survivor

I was abused for years throughout my young life. When I tried to seek help was told keep my mouth shut – it couldn’t be true. Well it was and it happened and, like most, by individuals I should have been able to trust. After time passed I learned the only way for me to begin to heal was to forgive myself and my abusers. I’ve never forgotten and I’m always on guard, but forgiveness allows me to move forward and find positivity and joy.

-Janet, Survivor

I have dealt with the trauma of being sexually abused by my sister’s father; at the age of 3 he started grooming me and had me so messed up my whole life. Feeling that I was not worthy to be loved by any man. Yet believing that if a man had sex with me he loved me and I was worthy of his love.

This led to a life filled with being addicted to sex, searching for that love of a father, that love of my mother and never finding it. Instead I felt as if I was tainted, I felt as if I was no better than a prostitute. My mother called me a Jezebel at the age of five and always accused me that I was seducing her husband and boyfriends. My mother put me into the system and I was shipped from foster home to foster home, 46 in all, never finding any safety or love there either.

I am so thankful for being allowed the experience of the Saprea Retreat. This has been the release that for so many years I have been searching for. I am so thankful for Shelaine and her passion to help other women to find their truth. I am a SURVIVOR and MY TRUTH is I am free.

-Tina, Survivor