I was severely triggered in August 2021 due to some horrible family events. After many years of work, I was again in desperate need of peace of mind and sleep. I used my story of trauma and nightmares on stage to encourage others and be a light emerging from the darkness of sexual abuse and four suicide attempts. I was determined to help others arise from the horrible grips of abuse, depression, and trauma. The thought of being forced to face this heinous past again was unbearable, and it began a horrible return to sleepless nights.

One day, I made the decision to “be ok”. I was going to continue to take control of my life and simply move forward no matter what was on the horizon. One day, while on a social media site, an ad for a retreat for survivors of childhood sexual abuse popped up. The ad asked me to click a link to find out more and apply. I’d never heard of this retreat; apparently, this was the best-kept secret on the planet. I applied. I was accepted. And I was TERRIFIED. I had no clue what to expect. Would the retreat help or hinder me further? I had no clue. But I did it afraid.

I attended Saprea’s Retreat in December 2021. This was one of the best decisions of my life. I learned so much. I didn’t realize how much I needed to be a part of a community of overcomers. I thought I was doing just fine on my own. Boy, was I wrong! I became a part of a greater community of SURVIVORS and that word no longer has a dirty, defeating connotation. You see, I hated the word survivor before attending the Retreat! However, the Retreat gave me a better understanding of the word. I began to see myself in ways I hadn’t imagined. And although there was no cure for the fright and dread that I was facing in my family, the Retreat reiterated that I was not, and am not, alone. A vast, powerful, gifted, and amazing community is available to me. Saprea’s Retreat is incredible and helped provide additional resources for me to walk in peace and maintain my joy.

I am so thankful to the Maxfields for this INCREDIBLE gift of love to survivors. My life has forever been changed in such a positive way that I can’t fully articulate. At 50 years old, I finally feel that I can truly live and not just exist no matter what comes or revisits me from my past. I am encouraged, empowered, and hopeful about my future. It’s been almost a year and a half since I attended the Retreat and I still communicate with the group of courageous women who attended during the same time.

For those thinking about attending the Retreat, I strongly suggest that you attend. It will change your life for the better in a long-term and significant way. I am eternally grateful for the Retreat.

– Michelle, Survivor

I began writing this poem a few months before attending the Saprea Retreat. I’d hit a block and had been stuck for weeks. Just days after returning from retreat, I completed the poem.

Saprea changed my life. I’ll forever be grateful.

The Sacrificial Lamb

I once was a little lamb,
Whose hair was dark as night;
My parents forced the church on me and
Told me “Do what’s right”

Don’t fear my precious little lamb
For God is love and light
He knows your heart and hears your prayers
He’ll always hold you tight

With tear-stained cheeks, I bow my head
And plead with all my might
The monster under my bed is real
Please help me win this fight

The little lamb was sacrificed
Her innocence no more
“She’ll be ok,” her family said
“She chose this life,” they swore

As she grows, that little lamb
Becomes the blackest sheep
She’s a lost cause, they sigh in despair
She’s dug that hole too deep

No one would save her but herself
As she cried herself to sleep
She knew the battle up ahead
Was long, and slow, and steep

They say what doesn’t kill you
Only makes you stronger
I say my trauma doesn’t get
To take that credit any longer

With sheer determination
To take back the life he stole
She clawed and she climbed
Until she emerged her true self. Whole.

– Amber, Survivor

I was born in a beautiful little town in Belfast, Northern Ireland. The first nine years of my life were wonderful. However, in 1967, my childhood was abruptly ruined by my best friend’s older brother.

Often, when I would go to play at my best friend’s house, his older brother would be home hiding in the shadows waiting for his opportunity to abuse me. I remember being there and hearing the sound of a door locking and knowing I was in trouble. I would get this sinking feeling in my gut, knowing what was in store for me.

Experiencing abuse from him for nearly three years and feeling that my friend should come to my defense and not allow his brother to sexually abuse me left an impact on me. I can’t for the life of me understand why I still considered him my best friend.

The shame was eating me away inside, and the thing is, it wasn’t even my shame to carry. I felt like it was, but it wasn’t my fault. I was the one who was abused, but for some reason, I still felt the need to keep this knowledge within me, too ashamed to even share it with anyone. I felt this shame justified my hurt.

It took me many years to tell anyone about this abuse. It was hard, and it hurt. And yet that’s what I needed to do, to get it out in the open. However, finally talking about it forced me to deal with this trauma. Time and help from the right people brought healing. I am now able to identify the effects of my abuse and realize just how many others have been through similar experiences.

One thing I know for sure, though, is that it needs to be dealt with in order for healing to begin and that if I can go through that long, dark tunnel and reach the other side, so can you. That is my deepest desire for you – you are worth it!

– James, Survivor

Saprea has Empowered Me to Look Back at the Dried-Up Well I was Stuck in and Never Go Back.

My parents divorced when I was 6 years old which caused some tension in my life, not that it was an ugly divorce but as most kids of divorced parents would say, I felt like my family was torn apart. I felt alone until my tennis coach became a part of my second family.

When he was hired to work at the tennis center my mom owned, I became closer to him than the other employees. He was the one person I felt actually wanted to be a mentor to me, a person every kid needs and values in their life. He began to use this mentorship as a manipulative tool to take advantage of me mentally and physically—from telling me what to wear, to commenting on how I looked, to physically abusing me over the course of three years.

The first time he crossed the line I felt like he had taken me to a dried-up well and pushed me into it—a 15-year-old girl all alone, with no way of escaping this part of her life, no one to help her, and no end in sight. I did not understand how someone so important to me could make me feel like this physically and mentally.

After college, I was ready to start over again in grad school, 500 miles away. In 2020, when I was forced to move back home because of COVID, I began working at my mother’s tennis center, which had been my dream job ever since I can remember. Although I was ecstatic when I started working, I felt anxious about being around my tennis coach all the time again. I was worried that somehow I would fall back into his trap of being a supportive friend just so he could take advantage of me again. On November 8, 2021, one of my worst nightmares happened. I was back in his trap. I was that little girl again.

My mother was the first person I disclosed to about what my tennis coach did to me as a child—her child—for the past 12 years. I was at the bottom of the dried-up well again but this time with what felt like all eyes at the top looking down. My family and friends learned for the first time what happened to me as a child and who my tennis coach really was.

After going through the judicial system and giving a speech at his sentencing, I thought I was “healed” but I had already signed up to go on the Saprea Retreat two weeks later, so I had to go. I had no expectations going in other than I thought it would be smooth sailing after what I just went through. Boy, was I wrong about so many things.

The Saprea Retreat not only showed me I had not yet “healed,” but that I really could heal. I gained a sense of community; one I didn’t have at home even after my secret was out in the public. I was able to relate in different ways to eight different, amazingly strong women, which I never could have imagined happening. While the retreat was mentally exhausting, it was the most impactful experience of my life. It was truly the turning point of my healing process that I didn’t even know I needed. I am grateful every day for the support, sense of community, and hope I gained from attending the Saprea Retreat. Saprea has empowered me to look back at the dried-up well I was stuck in and never go back.

In 2018, I was called in as a model for Saprea. I didn’t know anything about the company, but it didn’t take long for me to learn of the incredible mission they had. As a survivor myself, I was pulled in to know more. I shared my story with a staff member and then asked to know more about the Saprea Retreat. After learning about it, I knew at that moment there was no question about where and what I wanted to be and do next. I took the next step and signed up for the Saprea Retreat. At the retreat, I came to know many more beautiful and strong women, hear their stories, and come to bond with them deeply. There, I finally realized I am not a victim, I am a survivor, I am a Thriver! I look forward to continuing my lifetime efforts to advocate for adult female survivors of child sexual abuse. Thank you, Saprea.

—Ana, Survivor

For decades, I have lived with the memory of my childhood sexual abuse. As a child, I remained silent, because I was told that if I said a single word to anyone, my family would be hurt. When I finally found the strength to speak, I was the one left hurting. I broke my silence, yet no one believed me. Instead of justice being brought to my abuser, speaking out caused me to lose loved ones. This rejection and abandonment made me feel hopeless. The abuse and my loved ones’ denial of the abuse created deep scars. I grew up seeing myself as unworthy of love and dealing with that pain ALL ALONE.

As an adult, I slowly started to notice that the effects of my childhood trauma came to define the personal and professional relationships I formed. I would spend all of my energy trying to please others by doing whatever I could for them so I would not get rejected. Dating was challenging as I often felt like I was going to get hurt and therefore wanted to always be in control. My guard was up 24/7. At the Saprea Retreat, I learned that people who suffered abuse as children often go back and forth, pulling people close and then pushing them away.

There are still other trauma effects that I deal with daily, such as pouring all my energy into perfectionism—like making sure each can in my pantry is lined up and facing the exact same way, and even trying to maintain a spotless home. I also felt for years like I was looking at my life through a window, distant from what was happening around me. l learned at Saprea that many of these effects are common for those who suffered similar abuse and that we put these demands on ourselves as a way of seeking love because childhood sexual abuse robs us of feeling loved.

I remember one particular moment at the retreat. We were all given long, beautiful peacock feathers to balance on our hands. The slightest breeze would draw the feather this way or that, and we had to keep it balanced on our palms. We were told by our facilitator that, often in cases of sexual abuse during childhood, we lose the ability to play. The activity was a gentle reminder to return to a sense of play. I began to shed heavy tears as that was a trigger word for me. It brought flashbacks of my abuser asking me if I wanted to “play.” Direct experiences like this allowed us to reflect on all the lessons we learned at the retreat and apply the shared techniques to help us heal.

Trauma is something both mental and physical. That’s why it can affect the way you behave and the way you feel. And if you want to undo trauma, it requires very hard work and a different mindset that I still struggle with daily.

In search of help, I visited a psychologist, then a licensed marriage and family therapist, and even received spiritual counseling—all of which eventually led me to the Saprea Retreat. And it was there, in only a few short days, where I understood many of the behaviors I deal with daily. Most are done unconsciously.

I learned, and am still learning, what all of this means for me. But discovering how these things are connected, and that I have a choice to do the work of healing, has helped me feel empowered.

However, just because a wound is deep and painful, and has been that way for a long time, doesn’t mean we can’t make the choice to seek help and heal. We gain hope when we take steps to free ourselves of the shame and rage bottled up inside for so long. Today, I stand up for myself, despite the “fear of the unknown” that has run through me since my abuse started.

Sexual abuse takes so much away from people, and the journey to healing is long. Something so many don’t understand. But we surely owe this to ourselves.

To the next generation, we owe something, too. We must believe all children when they speak out. But most importantly, we must ensure that they aren’t left in places where they can be easily abused. Child sexual abuse is real. And it can create deep wounds that are very hard to heal.

If we can have the courage to take care of ourselves and listen to others when they need us, we can mend the pain and suffering that these crimes cause. My abuser wrote the first part of my life story but it is MY turn to end this story. I am a survivor actively healing, and as I get more comfortable sharing what happened to me, I will join the fight against child sexual abuse. My journey alongside healing is to raise awareness in any way I can. That is how I am choosing to live my life. And I hope, now that you’ve read my story, you will do the same.

—Tili, Survivor

I was born in a small town on the west coast of South Korea where I grew up with a big family. I was first sexually abused at the age of four. Then, between the ages of 5 and 7, I was sexually abused by my eldest brother and one of my cousins.

As a result of this trauma, I had to face many issues throughout my life for decades, especially in communication and relationships. I chose to stay deep within my own world because I thought that if nobody in the world but me knew about the abuse, then someday I would also no longer remember anything about it. I was also pessimistic about seeking any consultation to help me heal. I could not trust anybody, and I was always so nervous and uncomfortable having people around me.

I became more vulnerable to sexual abuse and suffered institutional abuse at the hands of my teachers and colleagues. I was also abused by my friend’s boyfriend while he was helping me with babysitting.

In my own journey to healing and empowerment, I found that other approaches and programs did not meet my needs. It was during my prayer in the spring of 2010 when God helped me connect the dots and recognize that many of my issues stemmed from the impact of being abused.

As a survivor, I have longed to find a way to help other victims of sexual abuse. In 2014, I formed a nonprofit called One Life One Heart (OLOH) International, in Ames, Iowa. I chose the name One Life One Heart to portray that one’s life goes with one heart, which carries all of our stories whether happy or tragic. Since we only have this one heart, it is important to take care of it and keep it functioning properly to enjoy a healthy life.

I endured years of child sexual abuse from age 3 to around age 10, but over the course of my healing journey, I have met a number of people who have brought me strength when I have needed it the most. I met my now wife who has been by my side and supported me through all of it.

There have been times when I felt like life wasn’t worth living. Whenever I experienced flashbacks and triggers, my hands would shake, my head would spin, and I’d feel overwhelmed by fear, sadness, anger, etc. Sometimes I’d feel like I was reliving past trauma and I’d ask myself “why can’t I just be normal?” But is there really such a thing as normal?

At times I still struggle a great deal. Sometimes, it feels like no matter how much work I do and no matter how hard I try, my depression and symptoms of PTSD seem to consume me. I have gone through therapy and have done outpatient programs about once a year. These programs have taught me skills to work through symptoms such as anxiety, uncontrollable crying, sleeplessness, night terrors, dissociation, etc. With the support of my therapist, I have worked through some really painful memories. By talking about the past, I was able to find and rebuild myself little by little. I was able to eventually go back to school and finally achieve my dream of becoming a pediatric nurse.

Today I continue to rebuild. I currently live with my wife and my emotional support dog, Luna, and we are expecting a baby girl this December. I want the world to know that a history of child sexual abuse does not define a person. There is much more to me than that. At the same time, I want people to know that everyone has a story, and we don’t know what anyone else is going through. We need to treat each other with respect and kindness. What you may see on the outside doesn’t necessarily match what may be going on with someone on the inside.

I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse.

I was abused when I was 8 years old by my father. I remember the shock and fear, along with the disbelief and confusion. I felt so alone with the weight of this terrible secret.

I am now 49 and suffer with PTSD, functional neurological disorder, and chronic fatigue syndrome. The pain never goes away, but strength comes from healing and leaning into letting go of hate, rage, and above all, guilt.

Saprea is wonderful, and it means the world to me.

–Nicolette, Survivor

My breakthrough moment happened at the Saprea Retreat. The experience helped me reflect on the relationships I had in the past and what I want for myself in the future. I know how to better cope with triggers and how and when I need to practice self-care.

The retreat helped me become more confident with my own feelings and more open about what I want
in life. I’m engaged to be married to a great man who looks out for me in ways I could have never imagined. My life is improving, even if there are still challenges.

–Natasha, Survivor