I cannot continue to pretend it never happened.

I’m 41 years old, and for 32 years I convinced myself that the abuse never really happened. I convinced myself it did not affect me. I refused to let it run my life or ruin it. Instead, I armored up and buried any feelings of hurt deep, never allowing them to come out. I have always said, “I refuse to be unhappy and will keep it that way, whatever it takes.”

For the first 10 years after the abuse had finally stopped, no one knew about what I had been through. I was 7 when it started and my abuser, who was a family member, warned that if I told anyone, I wouldn’t be believed and that he would hurt me and my little brother. The abuse stopped two years later when my abuser left our family home. I kept the abuse to myself for the next 10 years because his words always resonated in my head: “No one will ever believe you.” I had to continue interacting with him as if nothing happened, so I figured there was no point in saying anything.

I married my high school sweetheart at a very young age and had intimacy issues that prompted me to tell my husband about the abuse. He was the first person I ever told, which later led to telling a family friend and, ultimately, my mother. Even after I disclosed to them, I continued to tell myself I was fine; I didn’t need to see a therapist or talk about it. I thought that if I could go all this time pretending it never happened, I could continue to do so and it would be okay.

The walls and defenses I had built started to disintegrate when my abuser passed away and memories of the abuse returned to the forefront of my mind. I could not easily bury it as I had been doing for so long. One day I agreed to welcome his family into my home since they did not know of the abuse. I figured since they were innocent in all of this, there was no reason to reject them. I never thought that having contact with them would affect me negatively, so I added some of them on social media and continued to occasionally have contact with them. But that just added to the disintegration of my hidden feelings. I had more and more thoughts and feelings about the abuse.

In 2019, I became a first-time grandmother. My daughter had a beautiful baby girl. She is the light of each day. Within six months of her birth, her parents separated, and she is now growing up with separated parents. I fear this makes her even more vulnerable to sexual abuse from any new stepfamily that may come into her life. That thought broke my heart, and it became the ultimate trigger to the full disintegration of the wall I had built to protect my heart and emotions from my own abuse. The thought of my innocent and defenseless baby granddaughter going through anything like what happened to me broke me in ways I had no control over.

I now realize I do need to grieve and heal. I cannot continue to pretend I do not. I still want to come out in front of this and be a better person despite it. I will grieve and heal. I will not be ashamed anymore. I will share my story and I will try to be a voice for all those women out there that feel they cannot grieve or heal.

It is not about justice because I believe God will take care of that. It’s about peace of mind. I have survived child sexual abuse and will help others do the same. It is not easy to admit we suffered, but we cannot continue to ignore our pain and grief. We are strong enough to heal.

–Veronica, Survivor

For most of my life I carried guilt for the horrible things that happened to me. At the age of 56, I began my journey towards healing. At 59, I was blessed to attend the Saprea Retreat.

The beautiful souls of the women I met there will remain with me forever! I spent the week on a journey towards healing and found so much more! Within the group sessions I truly learned I am not alone. I learned that although our traumatic experience(s) differ, we all have carried either the same or very similar “baggage.” I was able to relate, learn, and grow through the entire process.

I don’t know if I can pick just one class that was my favorite! I received so much from each! Muay Thai taught me that I am more powerful than I believed. The guide to nutrition was very enlightening. Art (in all forms) has been very therapeutic and enlightening for me.

A word about the clinicians: I find it difficult to describe their compassion, understanding, and intelligence. However, I can say they are all amazing and just seem to know your needs. They are another group of beautiful souls!

–Cheri, Survivor

Although I had done a lot of healing in life (individual and group therapy, facilitating a group for survivors of abuse, attending a trauma program), it seemed that there was an aspect of my healing journey that was missing. I told my story of over a decade of emotional, physical, and sexual abuse and even had the opportunity to send my abuser to prison for life. Even after all that, I still found myself searching for help and connection related to my efforts to heal. But I was not sure where that would come from.

I found out about Saprea Retreat from a woman who came to the group I facilitate. She came just that one time and shared her experience at the retreat. With the support of my wife and daughter I decided to apply and attend. That choice became a life-changing gift that I allowed myself to receive.

I found two sources of connection at the retreat. The first was with the amazing group of ladies I met. I think I needed to be surrounded specifically by sexual abuse survivors to find that connection. The second connection was to myself. When my hammer broke the bowl during the kintsugi activity, I felt all my broken pieces as well. And as I put the pieces of the bowl back together with gold, I saw that I too could connect my pieces back together one at a time, and not hide the fact that it is hard work. My healing journey is not over, but I am stronger and have more compassion for myself now.

–Dena, Survivor

At times in my life, I’ve spent a lot of energy trying to arrange the perfect picture of normal, whatever normal means. And sexual abuse was never a part of that normal. It was far from it. It was the last thing I wanted in that perfect picture of me. And it felt like maybe it was the last thing others wanted in that picture of me, too.

I worked hard to bury that past. I think that burying started even during the abuse itself. When you’re told as a 9-year-old that no one should know about this, that you’ll be the one in trouble if it comes to light, you quickly learn how to deny what’s real and paint a different picture that others—and you—can accept.

But, if you haven’t guessed it already, there is no such thing as a perfect picture. And it’s hard to bury something without its ugly roots tightening around the deepest parts of you. I’ve struggled with anxiety and PTSD symptoms as a result. I tried to handle flashbacks and nightmares on my own. I never was quite able to manage it all.

Over time, therapy has helped. Close friends and family have helped. A loving, patient husband has helped. And last year, unexpectedly, Saprea Retreat helped.

Shame almost convinced me not to sign up. I stumbled upon the retreat on Instagram of all places. I applied, had a phone interview, and nearly had plane tickets to Georgia purchased before I even mentioned anything to my husband. I think that’s because saying that I was going on a retreat for women survivors of sexual abuse would make [the abuse] too real again.

But I went, even though I was scared. And I’m so glad I did. I learned so much about shame and those little voices that followed me around telling me that I couldn’t pursue healing or talk about such a big part of my life. Shaming voices telling me about who I am (or am not) because of that abuse. For once, I felt connected to a group of women who understood it all. We sat together in “the uncomfortable,” able to say those invaluable words: “Me too.”

I move forward knowing that this story of mine is far from perfect. I’m still trying to untangle myself from the worst parts of it, but I’m a lot more confident in who I am because of it and how I can provide hope for others through it.

—Marissa, Survivor

For many years, I repressed my memory of the abuse. I thought I had remembered it wrong. I kept telling myself he wouldn’t do something like that. But now, at the age of 32, I am coming to terms with the fact that a perpetrator took my innocence 25 years ago. It happened and it hurts. It really hurts.

In the past, I confided in the wrong people who broke my trust and made me feel more ashamed. After talking to my eldest brother, he said, “Sis, that’s the problem. It’s too many secrets. It’s time to share your story.”

In my freshman year of college, I had a social work professor, Mrs. Riddick, whom I adored! Fifteen years later, I reached out to her and thought, “Lord, if it’s meant for me to get help, please let her answer the phone.” She answered the phone and I cried. I cried because I knew I could no longer bear the pain. I cried because the thought of talking to a third party about my struggles as a victim of child abuse and childhood trauma was embarrassing. But a little over a year later, I can breathe. I don’t feel ashamed anymore. Mrs. Riddick would say, “if you’re trying to lift a thousand-pound bar, eventually you will get tired.” She let me know it is not my fault and that I am okay.

How is anyone capable of causing this kind of harm to a child? A child who does not know any better? I hope that other people like me find comfort and can process what happened to them, even if doing so is hard and can sometimes hurt.

Journaling, pottery, cooking, and kickboxing are helpful. Above all, God is a healer. I am at peace and I can breathe. I want to share my story to help others live without anger, fear, anxiety, or tension. There is nothing wrong with wanting to live your happiest life.

—Kristina, Survivor

The first time I remember being sexually abused I was just 5 years old. Because of the chaos that existed in our home with physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual abuse also going on, I guess the sexual abuse seemed almost normal. A few times through the years I asked for help, but that help never came. Instead I was left to deal with it on my own. It continued until I was 17 years old. Later, in my early 20s, I was also violently raped. I felt as if I had no worth and I wished I could disappear.

Through the years I sought help from several therapists, and sometimes I would feel a little relief from the depression that overwhelmed me, but the shame and guilt I felt never left.

A dear friend told me about the Saprea Retreat. I was skeptical and scared, but figured I had nothing to lose so I applied for the retreat.

As the time to go drew close I was terrified! What had I done? I didn’t know these people, but I had agreed to give them four days and three nights! I am sad to say that I backed out and did not go to the retreat.

Although I didn’t attend the Saprea Retreat at that time, I felt there was something special about it. Something that might be helpful. Something hopeful. I encouraged several friends and family members to attend. As they began sharing their experiences I realized how foolish I had been to let that opportunity escape me. I applied again. I still wasn’t sure I could do it. The fear was overwhelming, and I had physical limitations I was afraid would hold me back.

I was the first one in my group to walk through the doors of the retreat. The support and love I felt from the staff was overwhelming. I knew that, somehow, I was home.

The ladies in my group were all amazing. As I learned from each of them, I felt, for maybe the first time in my life, that I wasn’t alone in this healing process. The classes and activities at retreat were all well thought out. Each one brought a new awareness for me. Every little need I had was taken care of.

Learning about and understanding how trauma has affected my brain has been eye-opening. I know now that I can take control and help heal the damage done by abuse. It has been a major turning point in my life. I know I have a long way to go in this journey of healing, but I know I have help. I know I can do it. I know I am not alone!

I will always be grateful for the change Saprea and the Saprea Retreat has brought to my life.

-Susan, Survivor

I’m a survivor of sexual, mental, and physical abuse.

I can’t remember what life was like before my trauma started. I was 5 years old when my father started sexually abusing me. At the age of 8 that’s when I realized that it was abuse. I thought I was never going to get out of it and be set free.

I would try my best to push back all of the bad flashbacks, nightmares, and pain while I was at school. However, I would misbehave, and I was always known as just “that naughty kid.” In reality I thought by misbehaving someone would notice my pain and notice I was being abused.

The abuse went on for a decade, during this time I didn’t feel strong enough to be able to tell anyone in my family or the police. I suffered from severe anorexia and planned suicide. At the time I didn’t feel like I had much purpose in life, I didn’t think anything was ever going to get better, I felt like I was drowning in the secrets, and felt like I couldn’t be set free of my abuse.

Until one day when I found this sudden burst of bravery and strength. I revealed to my mother that my father had sexually abused me for 10 years, I truly believe this is when my life changed for the better. My mother saved my life. She was unaware of the abuse, so when I told her I could see her whole world falling apart, but she remained strong for me. It was the first time I have ever felt proper relief, I felt free, I felt in control.

My father was sentenced to 12 years in prison after a long process.

Now I feel stronger and healthier than ever. I finished school, went to college, and now I’m at university studying criminology and psychology. Although this is always something that’s going to be with me, and it does affect me every single day, I know I’m winning this battle. I’m in the process of writing a book about my journey to help others. I’m not scared to share my story; I no longer feel ashamed.

If it wasn’t for my mother I don’t think I’d be here to tell my story, she saved and changed my life and it’s something I’ll forever be grateful for.

If you are suffering, you’re not alone and although it’s hard, you will get through this.

-Calais, Survivor

Beautiful is a term that I never thought I would use to describe myself. It’s something I told myself I was not, it’s something that I didn’t think anyone else would ever think of me as. Years of abuse at just 9 years old left me feeling broken, damaged, confused and worthless well into my teen years. I picked up bad habits, trying to numb feelings that I didn’t understand and unhealthy relationships that never made me feel like I was enough. For years I faked a smile and went on with life.

I graduated college, received national rankings in collegiate soccer, yet none of that filled the emptiness within me. None of that cured the loneliness I felt in a crowded room. The blame I had placed on myself had won, my abuse had finally conquered my soul, and there was nothing left inside of the shell that I had become…so I thought.

The Saprea Retreat was an unexpected blessing in my life. For the first time in 32 years, I was surrounded by people who understood me. I was in the care of amazing women who fully supported, nurtured, and helped me begin to love the journey that I was starting. The morning of day two, I sat outside, in awe, of the picturesque scenery and something inside of me triggered an emotion that I had never felt. Sitting there by myself, in my own silence, I felt calm, I felt at peace, in that moment, in the first 24 hours I knew I was going to be okay.

In just four days I was finally able to say the words “it’s not my fault” and truly mean them. That’s something I would hear all the time, but they were always just words. But that day and every day after it’s been a feeling. I can’t express my gratitude for the Saprea Retreat. A guiding light in my darkness and one of the reasons I can look at myself in the mirror and truly believe that the person staring back is beautiful in every way!

You don’t have to suffer alone in your silence. Reach out…speak up…take a chance on yourself and I promise you that you will be “sailing your ship” in no time!

-Sarah, Survivor

I am a survivor of childhood trauma, my perpetrators were too close, inside my home, and the abuse went unnoticed. I didn’t ask for it, yet I still have to experience the repercussions of it.

The day I filled out the form to attend the Saprea Retreat I was full of tears and emotions. I didn’t know what to expect; the only thing I knew was that I couldn’t keep fighting alone. When the retreat day arrived, I felt a roller coaster of emotions. I got off the plane and waited, I was looking around trying to figure out who else was there, then we started gathering. Seeing so many faces and knowing that those women understood what I was going through without even talking, it was a feeling of comfort because I wasn’t alone anymore, there were more survivors like me!

Once inside the house, the outpouring of support I received, the classes, how spoiled I felt, and the closeness that I got with the group of ladies, are life-lasting experiences. I finally understood that my feelings are valid, that there is a path of healing, and it is not through denial but through each of the 5 Strategies to Reclaim Hope: Awareness, Acknowledgment, Power Through Surrender, Mindfulness, Faith.

My story is not over yet, it turns out that I was called to help others using the Finding Hope Support Group. So far, I have reached over 20 ladies in my community who aren’t feeling alone anymore, and I am planning on continuing to offer support for years to come.

I am grateful for the existence of Saprea, that keeps working constantly to educate people about the existence of childhood sexual abuse, and the commitment to help survivors during our healing journey.

-Johana, Survivor

Everyone has their own story. Some are similar, some are different…but at the end of the day they still connect us, survivors! Our stories don’t define us, and they should never be compared.

Mine started back in high school, during my junior year. I finally started to put myself out there into the dating world and I got into my first real relationship. “Yay me,” I thought. Right… not. That boy ended up betraying me, my trust, and my innocence! After being sexually assaulted, I honestly didn’t know what to do. I kept it a secret for many years. I didn’t have much strength, self-love, or confidence. I was used to being manipulated, controlled and degraded… among other things.

After enduring multiple emotionally and mentally abusive relationships, I found out about Saprea and their Retreat. A safe haven for women who were sexually abused as children or adolescents! To be honest, I didn’t even know a place like this even existed. But let me tell you, it was like a dream!

I attended Saprea Retreat in Utah in November 2019 and it was by far the most incredible life-changing experience I could ever have. From the environment, to the food, and all of the incredible people. I couldn’t have asked for a better way to start my healing journey. Being in that beautiful space made each and every one of us feel so safe! I now have sisters from all over the world, women who understand me, empower me, and trust me. We did so many incredible activities together, but my favorite would have to be kintsugi! I broke a bowl, put it back together, made it stronger, unique, and made it even more beautiful! Beauty has no boundaries, imperfections make us beautiful, because the truth is… no one’s perfect! I cried, I learned, I grew, I loved, and I freed myself from all of that negativity in my life! I pray that all other survivors get to experience the magical healing of Saprea Retreat!

I will say, traveling by myself for the first time was scary, but I powered through it and learned so much about myself. I overcame so many obstacles and I honestly couldn’t be more proud of myself and the beautiful woman I am today!

Thank you so much for this amazing opportunity, to the incredible founders, and to all of the wonderful donors who make Saprea and Retreat possible! You are seriously changing lives!

“I believe in owning my story and loving myself through the process.” Thank you for allowing me to share my story.

-Laura, Survivor