From as young as I can remember, I was scared. I tried to hide behind my music, theater, and sports, but ultimately, I was dying inside from the amount of times I had been assaulted before I had been 18.

I started hurting myself at age 9 and started engaging in bulimic behaviors at age 11. I had my first psychiatric hospitalization at the age of 13 for suicidal ideations. It wasn’t long after that when I had my first actual attempt followed by a lifetime of hospitalizations. Looking back, I realize how scary of a life I have actually lived.

That’s the thing. I used the word “lived.” And I’d like to live my life. I don’t know that I’ve ever truly lived my life, not freely anyway, and I’d like a shot at it.

After attending the Saprea Retreat just a few short months ago, I can honestly say I feel so rejuvenated. The online courses provided by Saprea gave me a plethora of support and information that has kept me going, that have given me the opportunity to start over.

I feel so loved and supported by the women I was blessed and honored to attend retreat with. We keep in touch daily, and my life has truly been changed for the better. I am so thankful for the opportunity given to me by Saprea and all of its donors. Without it, my life would not be as blessed as it is today.

-Kristen, Survivor

For years I have had trouble with depression, anxiety, and had no self-worth. I have struggled with a lot of health issues. After I had my handsome son my depression and anxiety got worse.

I never thought about connecting the dots that all this was caused because I was abused as a child. Then I heard about the Saprea Retreat. I had to suck up my fears and be brave enough to attend.

What I learned at the retreat saved my life. I have so much more confidence. I am now able to look in the mirror and see an amazing and worthy woman. I can finally close the door on my past.

I have so much more self-worth than I did back then. Which means I can finally get my life back. Nobody will ever take that away from me ever again.

I am very thankful for everyone at the Saprea Retreat for helping me to reclaim my life again. I am going to make my life the best, not only for me but also for my son.  I am a survivor.

-Tessa, Survivor

My year anniversary of my stay at the Saprea Retreat is coming up February 2020. I remember the day I sat down and decided to apply. I didn’t tell anyone. I wasn’t sure if I could even go through with it. As I was filling out the application all I could think about was how other women needed this more than me. I kept telling myself that if I went I would be taking it from someone else. I finally decided to apply and if it was God’s will, He would make a way. When the call came, it made me realize just how real things were about to get! I continued to try and talk myself out of the need or desire to go. I couldn’t imagine how a few short days would give me the time to find healing. I had no idea what to expect. I had it in my head what I “thought” it would be like. Boy, was I wrong!

The Saprea Retreat changed my life the minute someone from Saprea met me at the airport. I felt welcomed, I immediately felt safe, and I felt like I was going to be a part of something bigger than I ever imagined. They pampered us, listened to our stories, encouraged us, and gave us tools to recognize and cope with triggers. They gave us the freedom to be on our own healing journey. I found my voice. I found freedom. I found the path for my journey. I found relationships that I didn’t know I needed. I found the strength to tell my story. I started to find myself, I started to understand that I wasn’t to blame. It was a judgement free environment. When it was time to leave, I found I wanted to stay, just a little bit longer.

I was abused by a friend’s dad and I kept the secret for about 10 years. However, when I finally felt safe enough to tell someone I felt hushed. So, I kept it to myself for another 20 years. I was ashamed and felt dirty. It led me down a path of abusive relationships, alcohol abuse, lack of self-worth, lack of self-confidence, and, for many years, I felt muted. However, as an adult who was not able to have healthy relationships, struggling with depression and anxiety, I longed for more, I longed to be better, I longed to be free of this secret and I longed to be un-muted. I longed to face my story.

The Saprea Retreat helped me find peace, helped me find a support group of Brave Women and find healthy ways to cope. I am so glad I took the step to be a part of this amazing community. I encourage you to find your voice and take a stand. To complete this program was one of the joys of my life. I left feeling strong, knowledgeable, worthy, and I found I was not alone. I was impacted by the journey, but, more importantly, the other Brave women there who also shared the journey with me. I came by myself, but I left with a family of people who saw me at my worst and found a way to love me anyway! My heart smiles just knowing that I have 6 women who have my back!

My healing journey is still going, but with the help of the Saprea Retreat, I am living un-muted!

-Michael, Survivor

My abuse started at the age of 9 and continued until I was 15. It was a long 6 years of living in constant fear of what was going to happen next. This was a secret shared between me and my abuser, even though he never explicitly told me to keep it a secret, it felt dirty to tell anyone else about it. Plus, I was terrified of what would happen if I did say anything. He told me no one would ever love me as much as he did and that made me nervous about potentially losing him if I were to say anything.

Child sexual abuse is a type of pain that embeds itself into your soul. I didn’t realize how deep the pain and trauma went. I had locked it away for years. However, I started to really delve in and work to heal in my mid-20s. I thought I had healed, but it wasn’t until attending the Saprea Retreat (in my mid-30s) that I truly healed. This retreat, the location, the staff, and the other attendees all made me feel at home. I have never felt so much love and acceptance with a group of strangers in a matter of hours. It was truly a life-changing experience and one I highly recommend to anyone considering attending.

I have been sharing my story for many years because I feel that sharing is a way to empower me to have a voice and a way for me to help others feel like they aren’t alone. Sharing and advocating was not enough for my healing journey. I needed this retreat to really take a closer look at myself and understand how this particular type of abuse can damage a child and change the brain chemistry. It gave me a deeper appreciation for all that I have overcome. And, although I don’t always feel as though I have done much in my life, I was able to understand that what I have accomplished feels even more substantial because of the things I have had to overcome. Since completing the retreat, I feel as though I have even more to share and feel more confident in the woman I have become. My new mission is to be a bigger voice for those that are unable to speak and continue to help others heal and grow. Abuse does not need to dictate who we are for the rest of our lives.

-Trudy, Survivor

“You were a child. How could it still bother you so much?”

You would be surprised to know how frequently I was asked that question in my last relationship. I don’t think people truly understand the lasting scars and effects. Our childhood years are when our minds and personalities are still developing. To have that innocence taken away, well, it’s horrifying and unfair.

I had to grow up much quicker than I should have. A lot of firsts were taken from me, and I will never be able to get them back. I will always question people’s intentions and be guarded. But I will no longer be shamed because of the choices of a monster.

Today, I am in college turning my dream of becoming a Social Worker into reality. I am in a loving, supportive relationship where I was brought into the lives of two amazing children and a beautiful and talented teenager.

I carry my scars with me proudly, for they shaped me into who I am today. They are proof that it is very possible to go from a broken, scared child to a courageous, strong-minded woman.

I am not my past. I am a survivor.

-Randi, Survivor

Once upon a time, I was a victim to my stepfather. He was, what was once told me, “by the book”, with starting his grooming of me at a very young age. Around the age of six, he began with having me massage his feet in front of the family. Years passed by, when he would make me give him massages, and eventually he moved me into his room with the door closed.

By the time I was eleven, his grooming had switched to forcing me to do things I did not want to do. The day he told me that I wanted it, that I liked it, with tears streaming down my face, I knew that that was the last day I would allow the abuse to continue.

When I was seventeen, my mother finally moved me and my siblings out of his house and filed for divorce. I also pressed charges against him. He pleaded guilty to “one occasion,” not really specifying what the occasion entailed. I was enraged, as I was told that his most severe punishment would most likely be probation.

I refused to accept that.

I wrote a letter to the judge, going into great detail of what I had experienced, multiple “occasions” and years of his abuse. The letter was read aloud on the day of his sentencing. The judge then sentenced him to 5 years in prison and probation after that. It was a shock to those in the room, and a shock to me as well.

Thank God for the judge who put this man away. Thank God that he was no longer out there, able to abuse anyone else. I was supposed to go into the Navy, but begged my recruiter to not make me go, because the recruiter could not promise me that I would be able to come home for that court date. I willingly accepted a dishonorable discharge so that I would be in the courtroom on the day he was sentenced. I do not believe he would have gone to jail otherwise.

I would encourage any and all of you out there to take a stand. I refused to let him get away with it without suffering the consequences. I hope you are able to fight as well!

-Amanda, Survivor

All stories are different.

My childhood sexual trauma started a bit later than others. However, I was still an adolescent. My brain and body still had a long way to go in terms of development. It happened for years until I knew something wasn’t right. I wanted out more than anything, but couldn’t find it in me to say “NO.” Well, the Saprea Retreat taught me that “no” is a complete sentence. I know that might sound insane (because that is what I thought), but through training and baby steps, the women at Saprea have already helped me KICKSTART my healing journey.

The day I left for the retreat, I was very anxious. I wasn’t sure what to expect. The first day was definitely the hardest, but once we all shared a bit, I knew this was the place for me. No matter how BIG or small YOUR story is, we were all there for the same reason. I had never felt so relieved after sharing because holding all of those secrets in for so long kept me ashamed, scared, worried, etc.

The hardest part of the beginning of my healing journey was physically getting in my car and driving to the Saprea Retreat. The easiest part you may ask…? Feeling so loved and accepted by multiple women that guided us through the four activity-filled retreat days.

At first, it wasn’t easy, but once we all started to open up about our day-to-day lives and how our childhood sexual traumas have completely made us the women we are today, we all became ONE.

Even though each and every story is different, we were all there for the same thing. For once, we could ALL relate to one another.

I thought I had my “breakthrough moment” when I first got help in 2013, but to be completely honest, the retreat was my breakthrough moment. It’s been over a month now since the retreat and I feel like a new person. I’ve learned how to deal with my “trauma voice” and, to me, that is HUGE. I can’t even tell you the last time I had a panic attack! This retreat saved me.

I’ve still got a long way to go, but this has been a wonderful start to my healing journey.

To the other survivors out there who have thought about applying to the retreat but haven’t finish the process… PLEASE DO. Don’t hesitate to do something FOR YOU. I did this for ME, and I cannot even begin to explain the changes I have felt mentally, emotionally, and physically.

Start your healing journey now.

-Aly, Survivor

I used to think that my sexual abuse was my fault. It wrecked my life for the most part. I didn’t know what was happening and I didn’t know how to stop it. All four times I knew one of them personally. I was scared, felt alone, and didn’t have the support I needed at that time. But I am glad that I got the tools I needed from the Saprea Retreat. I am proud to say that I reclaimed my hope and that I am no longer broken.

So thankful for the supporters that I now have.

-Jenelle, Survivor

My abuse went on for years growing up. I kept it to myself in shame and fear of others finding out. I felt dirty, ashamed, scared, alone, and hopeless.

I battled depression, anxiety, and suicidal thoughts for years because of the trauma.

I found hope in Utah. I attended the Saprea Retreat a year ago now and it changed my life drastically. My breakthrough came in the Muay Thai boxing class. I hit those pads with EVERYTHING in me. Something snapped in me and I felt a burst of freedom flow through my mind and body.

The staff were so helpful, they took me outside and talked me through my emotions and memories as they flooded in. I am forever in debt to Saprea for the services they provided to me in my time of need.

I left there with hope, a start to healing, and so many new tools to continue my healing journey at home.

-Tiffini, Survivor

Dear Trauma,

Yesterday, and thousands of yesterdays past, you kept me imprisoned. Strangled in your invisible vice. Trapped in an encompassing, impenetrable fortress.

In the yesterdays, I endeavored to escape. Years of attempted jailbreaks masquerading as caprice.

But today, I will not be your prisoner. The shackles shattered. The vice obliterated. The walls crumbling.

Today, I reclaim my role as navigator. Embarking on my journey toward a magnificent, hopeful future.

Today, I own you. You are my trauma; I am not your victim!

Today I am free. I survived you.

-R.L.B., Survivor