After suffering abuse as a child by two separate men, I began to go on a downwards spiral at the age of 11. I am now 21 and just starting to get myself to a place where I can see a future, with the help of my family and friends, and a few people from counselling departments, I know that I will be okay. For a good few years I didn’t see a way forward, but now my little girl gets me up every day and keeps me going. I will remain strong for her and every other woman, I hope that sharing my story can help at least one person to believe there is always a way forward. Thank you very much.

-Cara, Survivor

For years I struggled with issues relating to my childhood sexual abuse. I began drinking at an early age, then drug abuse, then eating disorders, the list goes on and on. I never talked about my secret. I tried to hide from the shame and pretend it was something else that was causing my pain. My life was falling apart. I would get better then something would trigger me inside and I would be on the next thing or have another rage episode. I never talked about my experiences. In return, I never fully knew myself. I never loved myself enough to take the time to get to know Linda.

A couple of years ago I decided something needed to change. I changed my career and started to give to others. I started to find fulfillment in giving. I learned to love more fully. I began to start loving myself. It was at that time I saw the Saprea Retreat. Prior to this, I would have never dreamed I was worthy of such a thing. I took a chance and filled out the application. When I went I still had doubts. In the back of mind, I still thought that everyone but me deserved to be there. Still not being honest, I felt I was the one who needed to give to others; stay busy, and not take care of myself.

At the retreat, I surprised myself when I started to cry over how I, Linda, was being cared for. Having the time to take care of myself was a gift that I would not allow myself guilt-free. I was now loving myself enough to take this time away. I took advantage of everything that was offered to me. I learned so many life-changing skills in those four days that I now am teaching these skills to women I personally mentor. I created bonds with women that were completely different than me in many ways, yet we shared this common experience and I truly love these women.

I choose the words “I am Becoming” because I am a work in progress. I am always working on moving forward to heal, to help others heal, to love myself so that I may love others more. I am forever grateful to Saprea for the opportunity they have given myself and other women. I tell my story now. I know my scars are beautiful. I am Kintsugi.

-Linda, Survivor

I have not had much confidence since I was very young. I come from a large family; I’m the oldest of 4 children. Everything was fine. Until I was 9 years old and my parents started threatening separation, etc. At the same time my own father sexually abused me. Things were very rough from then on. My father didn’t stop until I was around 11. My parents finally divorced when I was 18. I was forced to moved out as my parents went separate ways.

My own family (aunties, uncles, cousins) didn’t believe it happened and they disowned me, including my father. I lost a lot more confidence. I worked a lot. I had four jobs. I didn’t know where to turn. I lived with friends as I was unable to live by myself at that point. I finally found a job that led me to find my now-husband of nearly 7 years. We have 2 beautiful children together and try to live a stable life. I still suffer with depression and anxiety though.

I came across Saprea and found the support and kindness of others. I can now start to become ME!

-Samantha, Survivor

I was abused for 12 years, people didn’t know, and the ones who did didn’t help. I used to feel like it was my fault and that I deserved it. I didn’t know how to escape, I didn’t know I could speak up or ask for help. I didn’t think anyone cared. I continued to feel this way and carry this burden with me until January 2018. I went to the Saprea Retreat, having no idea it would impact me as much as it did. I have since learned different ways to heal and overcome my anxiety and self-blame. I used to see myself as broken but since the retreat, see myself as beautiful and strong as the woman in the pictures taken of me. I use arts and crafts as a part of my therapy to help ground me. I am part of a group of women who are survivors, we all became friends and support each other through the good time, hard times and triggers. What happened to me, will never go away and I will never forget it. But through what I’ve experienced and have been learning, I can help others reclaim hope and defend innocence! I can make others aware of this ongoing problem and how to educate themselves about it. Helping other survivors and helping to prevent others from being victims has become one of my life’s goals. My faith, family, friends, and love help me every day to know that I am more than what happened to me. I want to help others know and understand that they are more than their experience. No matter who you are, where you’re from, or what your story is—I Love You, You are Beautiful, You are Strong and You are Amazing!

-Jessica, Survivor

If someone had asked me before 2017 if I would share my story, I would have said no. Now, a year later, I am trying to share not just my story, but have a voice for every woman out there, that has felt that same way. The Saprea Retreat helped me find my voice again. It gave me the comfort to know that I wasn’t alone. I finally felt normal for once in my life. I was finally safe. Safe is a very strong word for me, and the Saprea Retreat gave me that word. I can now go to sleep and not lay in the dark for hours at a time having 100 questions run through my mind. I still have nights that are hard, but I now have the resources to make me feel SAFE again. I cannot thank the Saprea Retreat enough. You have given me my life back.

-Bethany, Survivor

I never planned on telling my story or even sharing parts of it. I had concluded that fear had won, and I would never have a voice. What made my journey change were panic attacks. I had issues with small spaces and they got worse. So about two years ago I sat in parking lot at my counselor’s office arguing with myself about what I should do. My little voice of reason was rather loud that afternoon, and I am glad every day that I chose to face my fears, find my voice, and go into his office.

It hasn’t been easy as there has been many ups and downs. It took a couple months to gain control of the anxiety before moving onto EMDR for some triggers. It was something that I was intrigued by and I tried it. I was surprised how helpful it has been. It’s something else that I am grateful for, another part of my story that I thought wouldn’t be changed but it has. About two months after EMDR I had a huge break through where I was in a situation that would have set me off with anxiety. Instead I was cool as a cucumber and calm! In that moment, I knew that the hard work I was doing was worth it, and I was excited to see where I was going with my story.

After a year of hard work and effort I felt that two things were left on my list that needed to be crossed off. First, most of my family had no clue what had happened to me. My parents had been told a year prior, but we hadn’t really talked about it. Next, I could easily talk to my counselor about my story but no one else really. I wanted connections with other survivors, get my story out. So, I started searching online for ways to tell my story when I found information on the Saprea Retreat. I decided to apply after I realized it was very doable for me. Once I was told the dates that I would be attending I cried. I never thought that I would do something like that at all.

When it came to about a month before the retreat I finally told one of my sisters what had happened. It was a spur of the moment thing, and oh boy! I was shocked that I had just blurted it out. The month flew by and the night before I was in the hotel I messaged most of family to tell them what I was doing. I was in shock that finally the beginning of my story was emerging! The flight there was quick, and I was certain I was doing the correct thing.

The time I spent at the retreat is something I cherish. I felt comfortable telling parts of my story to others who understood where I was coming from. It was a moving experience and something that I needed. My family back home knew finally, not a lot, but it was a start. I was prepared to be more open when I got home. The staff and other ladies made the trip worth it all: the tears, the laughter, and connections I had made. I felt free after getting home, finding a new normal for me. The new normal is that people know what happened to me, it took a bit of getting used to though. One thing that I am going to be eternally grateful for is that my brother passed away a month after the retreat, he knew before he died. I almost did not tell my family before going, now I am glad I did.

My journey has led me to be more open-minded, asking for support was a difficult part for me. I had spent so much energy and time keeping silent. I was so used to doing everything by myself. I know my journey isn’t over, it’s been changed for the better. I know that I am moving forward, the road is going to be good, with bumps, but with those bumps will be with support. I have found my voice and that feels great.

-Michele, Survivor

I was age 5 when my older brother started physically abusing me. For the next 3 years he regularly abused me physically, mentally, and verbally When I was 8 he added sexual abuse into the mix. It lasted until I was about 14 years old when he left for college. I lived in absolute fear every time my parents would leave us alone together…and my parents left us alone a lot. I was threatened that I could not tell my parents about what he did to me but one time I decided to try anyway…my mother didn’t know who to believe, so she just blew it off…I got it worse from my brother the next time we were alone.

The many years of fear that I experienced wreaked havoc on my body and my mind. I began having stomach issues and migraines that started in my teen years. I grind and clench my teeth which has caused cracked teeth, bruxism and TMJ problems. I have social and relationship issues that cause me to never seem to fit into a group and therefore I have very few friends. I struggle with justice issues because I never felt like I had anyone to protect me from my brother and he has never suffered any consequences for what he did to me. When I was 18 I told my mother about what happened to me, and she quickly and quietly swept it under the rug as to not cause anybody to get upset…more injustice.

As I have gone through my adulthood I have opened the lid to this several times and I really felt like I had dealt with it and forgiven my brother and my parents long ago. I was going about my life as healthy as I knew how to be. Early last year a friend talked about Saprea and their mission to help women who had been sexually abused as children. I don’t remember exactly what the trigger was but something she said hit me like a ton of bricks and I began sobbing. I instantly knew why I have never felt like I possessed any beauty…I was not worthy of feeling that way about myself because of what my brother had done to me. She directed me to Saprea and encouraged me to apply to attend the Saprea Retreat, which I did.

I attended the retreat in February 2018. I arrived scared to death, which was basically the fear of the unknown. What I found was 23 other women who shared a similar story with me, a group of amazing staff whose only mission was to provide a safe space where they could show us love, caring and a path to healing. They catered to our every need and just when you would think they had done everything they could possibly do to make the time there amazing, they would do more. It was the most incredible 4 days of my life. I left there rested, relaxed and with a new hope for complete healing to become a better version of myself. For the first time ever in my life I can look at myself and accept that I do possess beauty and that I matter. The experience at the Saprea Retreat was absolutely life-changing.

-Dana, Survivor

I spent years pushing away memories, or at least desperately trying to. For a while I even seemed to have managed to do it. Then, in my early 30’s, an event triggered a whole lot of unexpected emotions that I wasn’t prepared to deal with. With my past having come back to haunt me I quickly lost my place I had come to know in the world. For a few more years I skated by… barely. At no point during this time had I gotten any more help than a string of opioids to try from doctors. Needless to say, no inner peace was found during this 5-year time period.

July 2016, an article was shared on Facebook about the Saprea Retreat. After reading the article, watching a string of YouTube videos on it and then checking out every corner of their website… I did nothing. After almost a year, and many discussions, my husband finally convinced me I should apply. I worked up the courage and filled out the online application. Four months later I was on a plane to Utah to take my very first step in the process of healing.

Our faces said it all as we sat around the fireplace during orientation: Sadness. Pain. Fear. Uncertainty. For many years, myself and these 20 other women battled depression, anxiety, PTSD and insomnia (among many other physical and mental ailments) due to childhood sexual abuse.

What followed was as much a surprise to us as our own (eventual) willingness to attend this retreat:

Love. Compassion. Acceptance. Empowerment. Trust. Encouragement.

These are just some of the words I would use to describe the gifts we received over the next 4 days. We had an almost immediate bond between us. One I will never forget. These ladies are now my sisters and we will be there for each other on our continued journeys of healing. We learned so much not only from the staff… but also from each other’s stages of the healing process.

A few other things I will never forget about the retreat (which didn’t happen in the learning groups) are:
-The hug I received the first day on the stairs.
-Learning to play again on the playground.
-The mountains…I LOVED the mountains!
-A lot can be learned from a long silence.

Work on the personal aspects of my healing continues, as does the support of Saprea. I could never repay them for everything they have done, and how they have changed my life, along with so many others. I continue to spread the word about Saprea in hopes others may take part in the same amazing journey I did during the fall of 2017.

Thank you to Saprea for the amazing gifts.

The gifts of renewal and self-love.
The gift of community.

-Lisa, Survivor

Before attending the Saprea Retreat I was the girl who hated everything about herself. My self-confidence was so low and many days it was hard to get out of bed. I had suicidal thoughts almost every day and felt unworthy. I felt alone and that no one else understood my pain. This was until I met a group of strong courageous girls who showed me I was not alone. Who showed me that what has happened to me as a child was not my fault and I am not to blame.

At the Saprea Retreat I had a very difficult time sharing my story with others but even so it helped to hear others talk about their life and how they cope. I became especially close to a couple girls during this time and was able to share some of my story, which was a huge step for me.

When I came home I felt like a completely different person. I had more confidence, I didn’t feel as alone anymore and I started to see light at the end of a very dark tunnel.

Thank you to Saprea for changing my life and for helping me find my way again.

-Alyssa, Survivor

I WAS a 12-year-old little girl, who had just lost my mother to a tough battle of lung and brain cancer, who was the only parent that I ever had involved in my life. The only world that I ever knew was forever changed from that moment on. I had to move in with my older sister & her family to a different town, start a new school and make new friends and if that wasn’t hard enough, a few months later the sexual abuse started. I had no idea what to do and didn’t want to tell anyone…EVER! I was so ashamed, embarrassed, and scared to death!

I AM now 48 years old and I feel the best I’ve ever felt about my life since I was 12 when my life totally changed. I am so thankful that I found out about the Saprea Retreat and was able to attend. Everyone there was so helpful and truly cared about me and my well-being. I always knew that sexual abuse had happened to other girls but I never knew the terrible extent that it has happened to so, so many all over the world. Or how the abuse affects how your brain thinks and how it can make you react to different situations and contributes to anxiety, lack of self-worth, and so on and so on! At the retreat, I realized I was definitely not alone or the only one that these unspeakable things had happened to and that helps me more than I could have ever imagined.

I WILL continue on my journey to heal my soul and share my truth in the hopes that no other child or young woman will ever have to go through what I had to go through!

I WILL forever be grateful to Saprea and its retreat for giving me my life back and giving me a voice and the courage to share my story! I met 18 fabulous women on this journey and I will forever cherish the sisterhood we now have and they will forever be in my heart!

-Tammy, Survivor