“It wasn’t so bad.”
“Others had it worse than me.”
“I have a good life; I should be grateful.”
“Get over it, just bury it again.”

These were the things I told myself for many years about being sexually abused at 4 years old. I kept myself so busy that I didn’t allow time to face it. I was able to bury it deep, keep it hidden for decades, until a chain reaction of events occurred that forced me to dig up those dreaded memories.

Becoming a mom.
Learning of my company’s mission.
Hearing stories of other survivors.
But the biggest factor that led to finally taking action was my daughter turning four. Vivid memories flooded me, fear and anger dominated each day. I couldn’t stop reliving the past and felt my daughter was doomed for the same fate as me unless I controlled her every move. And her older brother–in my mind he was destined to be a predator, simply because he was male. What an awful daily cycle, to not be able to fully enjoy my children. I had to make a change for my family. For me.

By opening up and facing my past, I found myself surrounded by friends, a counselor, a church, and teammates that helped me realize I deserved hope and happiness too. That abuse is not a contest of who had it worse, we’re ALL worthy of healing.

At the Saprea Retreat in August 2018, I was introduced to a network of women like me, the 1 in 4 that refuse to remain silent. The strong voices that will make a change. Women that no longer fear, but instead live each day with courage and hope. Ladies that hold one another up on the tough days and cheer each other on through the daily victories. I didn’t know them before the summer of 2018, but I now feel like I’ve known them forever.

We had various healing experiences and education at the Saprea Retreat, such as yoga, Muay Thai, art, and educational courses. The most impactful moment for me was learning this: trauma in early childhood impacts the brain, and one’s brain isn’t finished developing until your mid-20s. The brain has two main parts: the emotional limbic system, and the rational prefrontal cortex. Childhood sexual trauma causes the limbic system to be on overdrive, and it often overshadows the logical part of the mind.

I’ve had the toughest time understanding why my heart feels one way but some of my actions as a young adult didn’t align with my morals and beliefs. Learning that my brain was wired to emotionally react vs use rational thinking… this fact brought me to tears as it was a proverbial “Get out of jail free” card. Not that I don’t still hold guilt and regret for some of my behaviors, but I learned it wasn’t all my fault.

This journey is just that. A lifetime journey that will have its ups and downs. But in 2018 through Saprea Retreat, I can say with certainty I made more progress than I ever have. Thank you is not enough, and words can never express my full gratitude. To show how thankful I am, I will forever use my voice and reach others that need this healing experience, just like me.

-Keely, Survivor

The grass is not always greener on the other side. I was 11 when I left my small Island for the promise in another country to live with the stranger who had fathered me. The excitement I felt could not be contained and I was determined to make my family proud of me. Not long after, my abuse began at the hands of my dad (sexual & physical). For the next five or so years I wore a smile to cover the inside hurt and learned how to take my mind to wherever I wanted it to go; this helped me numb the pain and live in spite of what was happening on the outside.

As people we always want to believe the good of those we love, hence why close family did not believe me. If I was not in the situation, I would probably not believe it either. I can now see this though at the time I was filled with anger. All I knew was what the adults around me were teaching me by their actions; the more you speak, the more trouble that comes your way. Unintentionally we teach children what to expect based on our actions not our words. I recall testing people to see what they would say by throwing out scenarios at them about various things. The human mind is more powerful than we give it credit–plainly demonstrated when we are in traumatic situations. I got my escape accidentally through a friend and school counselor in whom I am eternally grateful. We seldom know the purpose of someone in our lives before it is fulfilled.

When I started having kids my eyes began to open as to how stuck I was. There were things I wanted to give them emotionally that I couldn’t, and I couldn’t explain it. I spent many years being numb to life and just going through the motions but when I decided to fully let go of all the hurt and pain and to forgive, I found myself. It wasn’t easy and I had many setbacks. I just had to keep pushing and believing. I also found hope in my faith which was the one ingredient all the counselling was missing and what was keeping me from fully releasing the hurt.

You can smile again, and it can be authentic. You can live freely again. You can overcome the pain, sadness, anger etc. One story at a time, one word at a time. Your voice matters and you are not alone. The more I knew I wasn’t alone, the stronger I got, the bolder I got. No apologies, as you did nothing wrong. You are enough, you are heard, and you are believed. The power is in your voice: SPEAK. It’s never too late. Your healing was for me and my healing is for you.

-Karen, Survivor

My sexual abuse started when I was just a little girl, when my mom divorced and remarried. The divorce was a very ugly and bitter one and we moved around a lot, which only added to my anxiety and depression over the years. I was an extremely shy little girl and went through life with this secrecy of sexual and emotional abuse. As an adult I continued to think I needed to protect my mom from all of this and so the relationship continued with my abuser, her husband, until my mom passed away in my early 30s.

The actual sexual abuse ended in my pre-teens as I became more aware, and he became fearful seeing that I was a strong and very rebellious teenager. Still, the emotional abuse continued as long as I was living at home. I went through life with this secret because I feared my biological dad, if he knew about the abuse, would go to jail for what he would have done to my abuser, and where would I go if my mom didn’t believe me? I lived in fear of this. The other reason was to protect my mom because I knew if she lost her children, she wouldn’t have anything because we were her everything and she was ours!

The abuse had affected my marriage and life for years and in 2017 I was done with all of it, including the depression and anxiety and my belief system, or lack of, and I applied to the Saprea Retreat which I had just heard about on the news. This was my answer! This was my year!

I was terrified, but I entered the retreat in August of 2017. I had never known what the word “safe” meant. It was there that I first learned what “safe” felt like! I thought I knew, but it was my moment of recognition and the most amazing feeling I will ever experience. Sadly, I’m not sure I will ever have that feeling again outside of retreat, but I have HOPE!

Everyone there was amazing: the staff, therapists, other survivors, etc. and I can’t express that enough! I have never been taken care of that way by so many loving and compassionate people, and people whom I could relate to. I made actual friends, which has always been difficult before, but I never knew why. I wasn’t alone anymore! I can’t begin to express my full experience there in words, but it was an experience of a lifetime and one where I learned how to just be “me” and that “me” was completely accepted as I am! The staff, classes, and the knowledge that I received there have helped me grow and progress in ways I never thought were possible! I AM A SURVIVOR and I AM RECLAIMING HOPE!

-Denise, Survivor

My abuse started when I was four years old and continued until I was about seventeen, I never told anyone what was happening to me nor did I say anything until I was about 20 years old. I remember talking with my mom and our neighbor about being forced to do things. I tried so hard to keep it to myself because I was still scared of the two relatives who abused me. When I finally came clean to my mom, she had asked the two about it and they lied, so I was left alone again. Then, two years later, I found out it happened to my younger sister and my niece by the same people. I blamed myself for the longest time. If I would have come forward maybe none of this would have happened to them.

But it wasn’t my fault. Shortly after finding out, we took both of them to trial and both were sentenced to 25 years to life. I lost a lot of family members because they blamed me. That was a turning point for me. I knew then that the only one who was going to be there for me was my now-husband, our kids, and his family. They are the reason I am still here today fighting to live my life as normal as possible. Without them I don’t know where I would be. I still get flashbacks or nightmares, but I can move past it and have a somewhat normal life.

Don’t let what happened to you keep you back from being the best you that you can be. We are survivors and we are not alone.

-Brittany, Survivor

I wish I would have understood that my high school band director was a predator and that she was grooming me. I was sucked into a lengthy relationship with her, and it was a secret we kept from my family. It was also the basis of many lies about myself and where I lived for years. The insane amount of healing time tells me that no statute of limitations should exist; by the time a survivor is ready to come forward, it might be too late. The person who stole that part of my life is still a teacher, and I hope every day that there hasn’t been another “me” since then.

As time passed, I knew I was “stuck.” I tried journaling. I shared my story with my friends and family–twice–on social media. I wrote a letter forgiving her with no intention to send it. There was no justice as years of fear and the unknown slipped away. Just me. Trying to forge a new path with someone special in my life is difficult when an ugly demon sometimes envelops me for days, weeks, months. One of my high school band friends shared information about Saprea Retreat via social media last year, and I was immediately interested. I submitted an application in early 2018 and was given the incredible opportunity to attend in October 2018.

I let myself be open to meeting new people even though I’m a classic introvert. I felt at home with the 17-ish women I met who were there because they too had experienced sexual trauma before the age of 18. I went to a class on my first day that sought to teach us about brain science. I was skeptical and knew all of the information they presented from classes I have taken in school before. But this time, something was different.

My lens, my perspective… had shifted. I was looking at my situation from a different vantage point and internalizing that there was truly nothing wrong with me. The days were jam-packed with classes that talked about issues survivors know too well. Our two off-site group therapy sessions were painful and powerful. They built bridges and helped some of us leave the islands we have lived on, trapped and alone, for years. There were late nights of just talking and listening to each other, forming bonds strong as gold powder mixed with resin since the first day. I learned how strong we all are. I learned the power of loudly sobbing and silently crying into a group of knowing eyes. Nobody was there to make us whole. The counselors, staff, and facilitators who treated us like royalty just wanted us to find what had been trapped inside all along.

With every class, activity, conversation, tear, and hug we hit the ugly demon with a kintsugi hammer. We shattered the past clean open. While we were all in different stages of our journeys, we could see the bright light shining within each amazing woman, ourselves included. We made best friends who will always be there for us. After attending the Saprea Retreat, I KNOW I am on a better path and I KNOW freedom is far closer than it was before.

-Karen, Survivor

It’s been quite a few heavy years for survivors. We’re seeing a more vocal conversation about sexual violence in the media. This creates plenty of unfortunate opportunities to see the negative ways that victims are spoken about. I keep thinking about what I wish I’d known early on in my healing journey. We all are going to respond differently. This is why those claims people make about “what they’d do” are laughable. Neurobiology is real. None of us know how we’ll respond to trauma. Our brains are literally (not figuratively) compromised during trauma. Our scrambled brain’s recollection is unclear, not linear. It’s recalled in uncommunicable emotions, feelings, fragments (not lies). Brain function is compromised. Fragmented.

I initially felt in pieces. Initially I felt at fault. Initially I felt sad, angry, ashamed. I wanted to erase it. I tried to figure out how I could’ve avoided it. I didn’t tell a soul. I experienced sexual violence four times from age 5 to 19 (by relatives and strangers). Not once did going to the police or getting a rape kit cross my mind.

There are things I wish I could have told my 19-year-old self. There are things I wish all survivors knew early on their healing path.

1) Understand that, unfortunately, this happens way too often to way too many people. There was no need to isolate myself in shame. I wish I would’ve reached out to at least one friend or family member. Even reaching out to a hotline could’ve led me to building support for myself.

2) Therapy is worth the work to find someone that is the right match. Therapy was nothing ever discussed as an option when I was growing up. “Pray it away/Give it to God” was offered up in my community. I went to several therapists that just did not click. When it finally did, it gave me so many new ways to process what happened. It cleared my cloudy thinking. It helped me manage depression. Assisted me in choosing the right antidepressant. I’ve been going for 20 years. It has saved my life.

3) Our fear is way more convincing than it could ever be real! The fear I felt was worse than any actual post-assault threats to my safety. I wouldn’t second guess myself about so many things. I wish I knew that this happens to survivors. I’d have started sooner building me up to trust myself above all else and act despite fear. Fear doesn’t necessarily go away but we can make acting despite fear a forever life practice. I’ve found that spending time in quiet and writing allows my mind to untangle what is imagined self-doubt versus what is real.

4) The shame is not mine to hold. No one is to blame for what happened except the perpetrator. Sexual violence is one of the only crimes where the victim is bullied into feeling like they could have prevented it. Every survivor does the best they can to get out of the situation alive. Fight, flight, or freeze responses take over. None of us could EVER be at fault. I wouldn’t get blamed or feel shame for someone else robbing a bank. I wouldn’t let a bank robber change the way I value myself.

5) No matter what, my body remains mine to enjoy as I choose! I get to allow others to see it or not, touch it or not. I set the boundaries. I get to enjoy sex or celibacy equally. I had to remind myself that not everyone that wants to be intimate with me is dangerous. I took a self-defense class. I danced on showgirl stages all over the world. I currently study Krav Maga. I wish I would have done things to give myself control over my physical body sooner. I wish I knew that learning new things could help reset my brain. I’d have danced or kicked and punched sooner.

I’m no longer scared to share my story. I simply refuse to be silenced. I hope it helps more survivors heal faster and not feel so alone. I hope it helps survivors reclaim our minds. There is only so much time in a day and so few days in a lifetime, that we deserve to have as much joy as possible. I can’t feel anger all the time. That harms me more than anything else. When we experience love and courage, we infuse more goodness into existence. Refuse to let any evil in the world steal your ability to experience happiness in as many moments as is humanly possible.

-Essence, Survivor

One of the hardest things I ever did was finally saying to myself out loud that I AM A SURVIVOR. I was broken and ashamed by someone else’s actions. I cannot remember when my abuse started, but I do know it ended when I finally spoke up. No child should have to know the pain of keeping such a dark secret inside. I am so thankful for Saprea. I was embarrassed, but now I am strong, and I will heal. I may have to remind myself often that I am enough but when I say it, I mean it now. I hope every survivor can find their way to healing so that you will be happy and free.

-Trisha Lynn, Survivor

How is it that four short days could be such an unexpectedly life-altering experience? As I approached my 60th year on this planet, I had resigned myself to never feeling relief from my deeply-ingrained feelings of shame and inadequacy. But for the first time in my life, I feel that I have been given the tools that I needed to truly heal from my childhood sexual abuse.

On the outside, I have always been the cheerful and optimistic one. And I have a wonderful life—a treasured family, a comfortable home and a rewarding career. But the smile on my face obscures the inside “me” that has always lurked in the shadows—the me that has felt less than, the me that has been so utterly alone even while surrounded by family and friends, the me who has constantly worried that others would discover that I have only been impersonating a normal person.

Saprea Retreat offered me a new beginning. From our first tentative introductions on day one to our tearful goodbyes at the end of the week, we were pampered, showered with support, and surrounded with love. For the first time in my life, I felt validated, not misunderstood, when I shared my feelings. For the first time, I felt empowered, not ashamed, to speak my truth. For the first time, I felt hope, not despair, about my ability to cope with my trauma. For the first time, I found a community, a tribe, a sisterhood, none of whom would have chosen to join this club, but all of whom are warriors in their determination to move from surviving to thriving.

My breakthrough moment at the retreat came when we learned about the physiological impacts of childhood sexual abuse, including the changes to the developing brain that result from such an overwhelming assault on a child’s senses. For the first time in my life, I learned why I can’t just “get over it.” For the first time, I could forgive myself for the reactions that I can’t control. For the first time, I learned healthy and effective techniques for releasing the trauma that resides within my cells.

I wish I could have had this experience 40 years ago. But, as I learned during those amazing four days in the snow-capped mountains of Utah, it is never too late to heal. For the first time, I feel like there is hope for the inside me to match the outside me.

-Sue, Survivor

My abuse happened to me twice in my childhood, when I was nine and when I was 18 years old. Over the years I learned how to deal with it, and it would come and go all the memories. It was not until after my daughter that I learned that I can’t let what happened to me control me anymore. My fiancé knew all about it and it feels so good to have someone who loves and supports me through the highs and lows.

After my daughter was born, I reached out to my OBGYN about my abuse and she helped me. After that appointment I found ways to cope with all the stress and anxiety it caused me. When I met my fiancé he helped me so much to overcome a lot of the problems I had. He promised me no one would ever hurt me again like that. I wanted a baby so bad for years and when we found out we were going to have a baby it made everything in my life way better.

-Kathryn, Survivor

I went more than 15 years without telling people about what had happened to me. I had only ever opened up to my husband and a therapist about it. And, for a long time, I thought it was my fault and put most of the blame on myself. I found out about Saprea through a friend and fell in love. I decided to attend the Saprea Retreat as a way to start healing, with a goal in mind to eventually be able to forgive. That retreat changed my life and was definitely a turning point in my mental health.

You always hear about it happening to other people, but to actually meet and befriend some of those women made me feel like I was not alone. And, to be able to talk openly and have other people understand exactly what happened and what I was going through made the biggest difference in the world. I encourage anyone that is ready to start their healing journey to attend the Saprea Retreat.

Now, I am more comfortable talking about and sharing my story. I have a 3-year-old daughter and one on the way. I also work full time and am going back to school to obtain my B.A. and, I could not be the mother and wife I am today without beginning this journey.

-Erin, Survivor