I am a survivor of sexual abuse and rape. My painful past, which I had largely repressed, spilled forth when I was 19 years old. I had bottled up so many feelings and unspoken words, which manifested in unhealthy coping mechanisms. My perpetrators threatened my life and those of my loved ones if I dared speak the truth. I felt shame and isolation. Somewhere inside I carried the truth, but for years I couldn’t find my voice.

Through the grace of God, I found the help I so desperately needed. I had to reach deep inside to find the courage and strength to face my painful past. Slowly, with the help of a wonderful therapist, I began to climb out of the dark hole I had fallen into. The light hurt at first. The anxiety and panic would surface as I remembered the unspeakable acts done to me, but I held on and had faith I would get through this.

I found journaling, swimming, and taking walks to be very helpful. For me, being surrounded by nature, I was able to see beauty again and to find my footing on solid ground. I felt more hopeful with each step I took. My body and my feelings felt soothed by water. I could feel my strength rising.

My faith had been shaken and my fear turned to anger at what had been done to me. I realized I had turned the anger inward. I have slowly learned to direct the anger where it belongs, to my perpetrators.

I am finding the courage to speak my truth. I will not allow what happened to me rob me of precious moments in life.

It truly takes a village of support to navigate the healing process and challenging times. To learn to breathe deeply and freely again. To reclaim your beautiful and strong self.

-Kelly, Survivor

I had the honor of attending Saprea Retreat put on by Saprea this past May. It’s actually hard to come up with the right words to describe what I experienced, but I will try.

My story begins 16 years ago when my memories of sexual abuse resurfaced. My road to recovery has been far from easy. I have spent years seeing different doctors and therapists. I actually thought I had finally put my past behind me until I began a new career in real estate. Working with men I didn’t know started to trigger all my issues. I suffered from PTSD and that was when I knew I needed help again.

I had heard about the retreat and wondered if I was too old or if it was too long ago, but I longed to learn and gain more tools. Even though fear and doubts gripped me, I signed up.

I am BEYOND grateful I went–Saprea Retreat is located in a beautiful mountain setting and from the moment we arrived we were welcomed with love and treated like royalty. For the first time I felt more “normal” and the feeling of isolation I’ve felt my whole life started to fade away. Being with other survivors with similar stories was very powerful. My life is forever changed from meeting these women from all over the world and hearing their heartbreaking stories but by the last day seeing a glimmer of hope in their eyes.

The last night I was there I sat next to a young lady who was barely older than my daughter. It was hard thinking of how young she was to be in a place like this, but on the other hand how awesome that she was getting tools at age 23 that I just got at 48.

My abuse will not define me, it changed me but now I have the hope and tools I’ve never had to move forward and put my memories behind me. Attending the retreat was the best thing I have ever done for myself.

-Kristie, Survivor

Growing up in the foster care system, abuse was nothing new to me. I was sexually abused for the first time at the age of five and had a continuous history of it until the age of 19 in my adoptive family home. This abuse led me to feel worthless and unwanted as I was violated in the most intimate of ways by more than one perpetrator.

I didn’t know what to do with my life and I felt like I was in a continuous loop of abuse. I made an attempt on my life for the third time at the age of 18, and that’s when I knew that I really needed help. So, following that attempt, I spent 2 1/2 months in a residential facility to help with my past traumas and my history of abuse. That seem to work for a little while, until I turned to starving myself in order to cope with everything that happened to me. Following this new development, I decided that it was time for me to seek more long-term help.

I am far from healed from my past traumas and still struggle to this day with the things that of happened to me. Some days I don’t understand why I grew up with abuse in every form while others have perfect cookie-cutter childhoods. But I know that it’s made me stronger today and that most people cannot have gone through what I went through.

I also hope that one day I will be able to walk away from all of the abuse and hurt and pain that happened to me in my childhood and not have that define me. It will be hard, and it will take a lot of work, but I know that there is life outside of the tunnel and I hope that I, as well as anybody else who has been abused, find that light as well.

-Davita, Survivor

My life started being sexually abused and neglected by those who were supposed to take care of me. The trauma of the sexual abuse caused numbness in so many areas of my life. I felt shame. I felt anger. I felt pain. I felt negativity all around me. I wanted to scream at the world or anyone who would listen!

I didn’t want to keep those feelings buried deep down inside. But I didn’t know how to talk about it or how to bring up the subject. So in 2016 I launched a personal blog and made the decision to find my voice. This was my first stepping stone to start the healing process from the PTSD, anxiety, and depression I was battling.

In May of 2016, I posted a short video trying to explain “my emotions don’t match my brain.” I was aware that I needed to dig deeper to start the healing process to be able to cope and live life to the absolute FULLEST! It’s no coincidence that 2 years later I would get accepted to attend the Saprea Retreat and that was a HUGE milestone in my journey. We were taught that trauma affects your brain and can keep you stuck in the past. I needed to hear this, I needed to know I wasn’t imagining these complex feelings. The joy I felt finally being validated, safe, and loved by complete strangers (by the staff and all the ladies I met) is something I keep in my heart Forever! I now consider Saprea my family!

I continue on my healing journey and life is beginning to shift toward Living, Laughing, and Loving. The founder Shelaine wrote a message for survivors that said: “We want all survivors to find healing so that they can reach their full potential, to help you reclaim hope in yourself and your future.”

Today, I am a blogger, advocate, AND proud to share that I started my own business which will launch in January 2019. I felt it was time to combine my two passions – helping others & social media! Anything is possible if you do the work. I FOUND MY VOICE & MY PASSION/MISSION!

– Petra, Survivor

For more of my childhood than I can remember I experienced sexual abuse. The mental turmoil I felt for those years is indescribable. Only when I began to tell the truth and talk about my story did I begin to heal. Ask anyone in my family and they will agree that I am stubborn. I made a choice for myself. I would be too stubborn to let this experience define my life. I would be too stubborn to let my experiences hold me back from a happy life. I would be too stubborn to let this cycle of abuse continue after me. I would be too stubborn to not allow myself the opportunity to heal. I would be too stubborn to let the person that did this to me have any more power over me and take another day away from me.

Though there are still days and moments that are trying and feel downright impossible, for the most part I am far enough along in my healing process that I have more good days than bad, and I am ever thankful for this. It has taken a lot of work and even more support for me to get this point and I could not have done it alone.

It has taken a long time and a lot of support from #TeamEmilie for me to accept that I deserve better than what happened to me. I deserve to be happy and healthy, and no, it was not my fault. A big part of my healing has come in opening up a conversation about sexual abuse and using my story to empower others.

I currently work at a Behavioral Health Agency and I am a peer counselor to youth who are at risk due to their complex mental health struggles. Every day I get the opportunity to empower another person and help them find hope for their lives, which is so amazing I can hardly put it into words that I actually get paid to do this every day. I am currently working toward getting my Master’s in School Counseling so I can continue my journey to help, support and advocate for others for the rest of my life. The best thing I ever did was find my voice, and I hope to help others find their voice as well.

I know that healing is a journey and you just have to take it one step at a time. Some days you run, some days you walk. Every day you keep moving forward.

-Emilie, Survivor

I was sexually abused as a child. For years I thought this heinous act was my fault. It did not help at all that I was later raped by a different person in my late 20s. Any healing I had done prior to being raped was shattered. I was a very broken individual.

Within the past few years I have taken various steps in my healing journey. A huge turning point in my life was when I attended the Saprea Retreat. At the retreat I had a powerful realization: I am not alone in what I have gone through and we are all worthy of healing.

I will use my voice to speak out against sexual abuse and raise awareness to prevent it.

-Sharissa, Survivor

I was blessed enough to attend Saprea Retreat May 2018, and on the final day (which was 4 days before my birthday), I walked out that door feeling free and happy for the first time in years. I have continued to speak up about this great cause in my college classes and to anyone who will listen. This May I am graduating with my AS in Computer Tech and Networking and my graduation is on my 1 year anniversary of finishing Saprea Retreat. Even my kids have made the comment that they have never seen me smile this much in years, and I finally know “I Am Enough” and “I Am Worthy of Love.” Don’t let anyone tell you any different and you have the control over who and what you allow in your life. I can finally say for the first time: I love myself.

-Eleanna, Survivor

Most people can look back at their childhood and have memories of love and laughter. I look back at mine and only have one memory. That one memory has controlled my life and taken so much from me.

I was sexually abused by my uncle at the age of 10. My family, apart from my parents, my brother, and an aunt, turned their backs on me. They didn’t believe me. They hated me and disowned me. From that moment on I felt alone and abandoned. I struggled to even know who I was. My childhood and my good memories were stolen from me.

Sadly that wasn’t the end of my abuse. I suffered abuse at the hands of another uncle and a close family friend. After that I became a shell of person, believing that there was no such thing as safe touch. Believing that I could never be loved, only used. Believing that I was not worthy of love and that I was damaged and would never know true happiness.

I spent a large part of my life bouncing from relationship to relationship looking for someone to love me. Looking to fill the void that was left behind as a result of my abuse and the loss of my family.

I attended the Saprea Retreat in August 2018. I went in scared to death and still believing that there was no repairing the damage that had been done. I truly believed that there was no fixing me and that this was how my life would be forever. Little did I know that this would be the stepping stone to healing and happiness.

I came home feeling like a completely different person. For the first time in my life I had hope. I had a way and most importantly I had a voice again. It has been a long road and I know I still have a long way to go but I am healing, and I am strong. I look at life so much differently now and I owe that to Saprea. I searched for so long trying to find a way to heal and be normal. I no longer want to be “normal.” I’m not normal, I’m a fighter, I’m strong and I’m not going to spend another moment of my life being a victim. I’m going to rise from the ashes and fight.

I can’t have that little girl back that I lost so many years ago. I have mourned her loss, but I have the power to be who I want to be and not allow my abusers to dictate what that looks like. This is my life and my journey, and I am FINALLY excited for the road ahead!

Thank you for the opportunity. Thank you for tools you provided me. Thank for providing a safe place for me to begin and the amazing women you have brought into my life I now consider my sisters!

-Cheryl, Survivor

My sexual abuse started early and lasted until I was 9 years old. My birth father would come into my room. My birth mother would take me out at night, to meet “clients.” No one helped me. I was a plaything, not treated like a human. But school was my sanctuary, even if I didn’t have any friends my age. I was close with my counselor and my teachers.

One day, I gathered enough courage to speak to my counselor. My birth father had attacked my younger brother and I fought him with everything I had. Before I knew it, my brother and I were whisked away to Utah and a couple of months later, a family adopted us. That didn’t work out so well for me, just a few short years later I was sent back to my birth father, and then eventually the foster care system.

I was failed by all of the adults in my life, but I survived nonetheless. I’m now enrolled in college, double majoring in Anthropology and Criminology, and I hope to one day help those that suffer like I did. I made it through hell and survived.

I may be broken, but I can put myself back together in time. I’ve been on the brink of despair and almost gave up. But I know it can get better. I’ve taken care of myself for as long as I can remember. I survived, and nothing can stop me now.

-Nicole, Survivor

I didn’t know how much the things that happened to me that one night would shape not only my life but the person I was for so long in my life. I kept my secret hidden and tucked away and hoped that strength in who I was in my life would help it all go away. I tried to push myself in everything I did in my life to run away from the feeling of worthlessness, guilt, and shame. I did everything with intensity, from my hobbies to schoolwork.

I sang and danced on stages from California to Ecuador and couldn’t shake the feeling of being alone and trapped. How crazy is it that? I could stand on a stage in front of so many people and feel so alone. There were also the panic attacks and feeling like I was being crushed. Then the realization that the decision I had made was letting the monster inside of me grow.

I realize now that I felt unworthy of anything good so I made decisions that were completely destructive in my life. At the time I didn’t even realize that it was all connected. I knew my secret kept people I loved at a distance but what if they found out? What if they knew? I believed what I was groomed to believe. It was somehow my fault. If they knew they would think less of me or not care for me at all.

When my husband and I married he didn’t know what he would be dealing with. When the secret came out he has been amazing. He tried to help me in all the ways he could think of. It took a huge toll on our lives. I heard about Saprean from one of the workers where I volunteer.

The weekend before I was to meet for the Saprea Retreat I had a panic attack so bad I couldn’t leave my bedroom for 3 days. My husband talked me through it and used tough love to get me out and to our meeting place. When I sat at lunch that first day most of us were a little quiet. As I looked around the room, for the first time in my life I wasn’t alone. None of us spoke a word about why we were there but we all had a common bond. It was the most uplifting and incredible feeling. I was understood and, what’s more, they helped me understand me.

I don’t hide in darkness of shame or guilt anymore. He will not control me. I did nothing wrong. I have found may women like me and we are amazing. Yes something happened to me, but I get to choose what I do with it. I choose to help others come out of the darkness and be a warrior. What if this was the moment we were created for? To help others to soar with us.

-Toni, Survivor