Having once been voiceless, I now choose to use my voice on behalf of those who cannot. I was abused countless times between the ages of five and six. For years, I struggled with finding myself and feeling worthy of others’ love. It wasn’t until I forgave the person that perpetrated these acts upon me that I truly became free. Forgiveness is a continual, ongoing process, but one that has allowed me to shed the chains which bound me for so long.

Hope exists for me through the eyes of my six-year-old daughter. In this sense, I’ve been offered a unique gift: I get to experience childhood once more, this time from her perspective. Understanding that education is key, I’d relive the darkest parts of my past all over again if it means she’ll never have to know that same pain.

You might think you are alone in this, but you are not. We are so often a silent majority who are quickly becoming an army of collective voices. I am no longer a prisoner of my past. Instead, I am a prisoner of hope. I am more than my circumstances. I am more than what happened to me. I am more than a conqueror. I am a survivor.

-Derek, Survivor

I turned my pain into power.

For many years I struggled with depression, anxiety, and had absolutely no self-worth. I struggled with an eating disorder and all this became worse after I had my baby girl.

I didn’t connect the dots and realize this was due to my abuse as a child. When I heard about Saprea Retreat I just knew I had to be brave and attend.

What I learned at the retreat has saved my life. I can look in a mirror for the first time and see someone beautiful. I’ve firmly closed that door on my past and turned my pain into power.

I now have so much self-worth, which is precious to me. No one will ever take that away from me again.

I am so unbelievably grateful to everyone at Saprea Retreat for helping me reclaim my life. I’m going to make the rest of my life the best of my life.

-Wendy, Survivor

My abuser died in 2012, leading to a series of events that forced me to wake up to how I was living my life. I had shut down my abuse. Refused to acknowledge or speak about it. I was successful. I promised myself it would never impact my life. That I wouldn’t be a “statistic.” I hated the word survivor. I always wondered why people called themselves that. 

I survived but I didn’t live. 

In 2014, I began my healing journey. At the time, I didn’t realize how much of an impact my abuse had on my life. Why I worked so much. Why I found relationships and intimacy difficult. I had shut down myself. The real me. My soul. 

I engrossed myself in being well. As a coach and business owner and just someone who always believed in growth, I was always moving forward. I healed and I grew and I changed my life. I found myself.

But something, still, was missing. I was still protecting myself, my story, still not sharing it, still holding onto the shame that THIS HAD HAPPENED TO ME and that it had broken me, that it had cost me so much of my life. I wanted to be in control of the story, still. 

I didn’t identify with groups for survivors, I still didn’t speak about it, even though I had a public platform with my business and my blogs. 

Despite all the work I had done, there were still pieces missing, still brain fog, still disassociating, still uncomfortable with being known for that. 

Finding out about the Saprea Retreat came at the right moment for me. I knew I had to do this, to work with people who specifically understood sexual abuse. I knew I had to stand out in the open with this and stop hiding, stop controlling who knew and how they knew. 

It was time to own my story so my story no longer owned me. And I’m happy to say that the things I learned at the retreat changed my life. What I learned about the brain and trauma allowed me to finally own that my abuse changed me, changed my life, changed my responses. 

I didn’t want that story. I didn’t want it to have power over my life. But ignoring it and denying it is what gave it power, not facing it. Facing it, understanding it, learning about it and standing in the presence of it – owning that part of me and my life – helped me heal more than I can say.

The people I met there will be life-long friends. Thank you for what you do. While I had done so much work, this retreat really helped me in ways I wasn’t expecting, it helped me put my puzzle together. 

I’m forever grateful.

-Tonya, Survivor

For more than 26 years I have lived with shame, guilt, fear, and feeling unworthy. From the outside, most people never sensed the turmoil I was living with on the inside, the daily struggle of anxiety and triggers. My daughter turned the same age I was during my abuse and it hit me like a ton of bricks, I knew something had to change. I had to find a way to live, I had to find a way to protect her from the same thing that happened to me. When I learned about Saprea Retreat I knew without a doubt that this was what I needed to begin my healing process. I arrived in Utah and my first thought was to get back on the plane and go back home, fortunately, my husband calmed me down over the phone and convinced me to stay. I am so thankful he did.

Words can’t even begin to explain my experience at the retreat. Walking through the doors at the retreat was so calming, welcoming, just so refreshing. I had never met any of the other 23 ladies there, but instantly knew they understood me – my pain, anxiety, and fear. The healing that began that day, and for the next several days, was amazing. Never did I think I could let my wall down but I did and the reward for that is something I will forever be grateful for.

Yes, I still have days of anxiety and triggers, but now I have strategies to help me through those days. I have support system unlike anything I’ve ever had before and I am so blessed.

I now know for the first time in my life that I am enough, I am worthy, I am brave, and I am beautiful. I reclaimed hope!

-Jessica, Survivor

It is so difficult to hear about child sexual abuse. It’s even more difficult when the story is about you. For over 20 years I held all the pain, guilt, and shame inside. I never told a single person what had happened until I was in my 30’s. I pushed aside all the feelings associated with my abuse and tried not to acknowledge that this had happened. It would creep up at times, but I was always able to push it away. 

There came a moment when I was no longer able to push the memories away. On the outside, I appeared to have a very successful life. I had a beautiful family, a growing business, a nice home…but on the inside, I felt so broken. I was nowhere near the person I wanted to be. I was so ashamed and embarrassed that I really didn’t think I could ever tell anyone. I finally got up enough courage to tell a couple of people, but that didn’t make it any better. That just made it real! I would spend hours each day wishing it all never happened and that I could make the pain go away. No matter how much I tried to wish it away, it was still there. I went to therapy but had trouble opening up to my therapist. I read some self-help books on healing. Every book seemed to just say “It’s so hard, but healing from childhood sexual abuse is possible.” I wanted to scream because I just didn’t see how I could make the pain go away! 

One day, I was talking to a friend that I had confided in. She told me about the Saprea Retreat and I thought “Oh, that sounds nice, but I could never do that.” When I finally went to Saprea website and read about what they do, I felt like God was telling me to go. I applied to the retreat that day and got in pretty quickly. I was so nervous to go, but I made it, and I truly believe that it has forever changed my life. 

At the Saprea Retreat, I learned that I am not alone. For so long, I felt so very alone in my struggle. Now I know 23 other people who have felt what I felt. As I listened to some women tell their stories, I immediately felt so much compassion for them. I finally realized that I needed to give myself that same compassion! For so long I carried these self-defeating thoughts and I was finally able to feel like this wasn’t all my fault. The education I received at the retreat is what I feel really changed the course of my life. I now know what steps I can take to change my actions and how I feel about myself. I have a support system and a plan. I know that this journey is still going to take a lot of effort on my part, but I finally feel HOPE, I finally feel peace, and I finally feel like I have a purpose.

-Sarah, Survivor

As a survivor of child sexual abuse, and growing up in a Navy family, I often felt like I was navigating my own ship. Left alone at sea, abandoned for many years. It wasn’t until my early 40s I was ready and able to confront my demons. My trigger was when my daughter turned 5, the same age I was when things began.

There were some dark, lonely days that turned into years and lots of therapy, but I have always carried some seeds of HOPE deep within.

The moment I read about Saprea and Saprea Retreat, I knew this would be a place to help me continue and accelerate my healing path. I cried my first day at the Saprea Retreat when I saw all the women in their 20s/30s/40s because it means they are getting about the task of healing sooner than I did, thereby saving themselves lost decades!

Don’t get me wrong! There are women in their 50s/60s/70s too at the retreat and I applaud them (and ME!) too for the courage to stand up and show up for yourself! But I LOVE and celebrate starting the healing as early as possible.

The family message of “forget about it” and “let’s not talk about it” only feeds the shame. Silence is never golden when it comes to child sexual abuse.

So many powerful moments or takeaways during the 4-day retreat, but the makeover/photoshoot caught me off guard with an awareness about never feeling beautiful. I looked a lot like my abuser – as a little girl I was told that repeatedly by family and others. He was an awful, terrible, evil person. As a 5-year-old I internalized that notion and that became my self-talk. At some point, I dropped the connection with my abuser and just thought I was ugly and awful. I had forgotten that I had only believed that because little 5-year-old Susie was doing her very best to handle things. I had carried some aspect of that narrative for 56 years! Making that connection allows me to see only me. I love me and I am beautiful!

I am forever grateful for the Saprea Retreat experience, the Saprea Retreat team who made me feel cared for and about, for my Forever Sister Tribe, and for adding HEALING tools to my toolbox for life.

It has been said that child sexual abuse is a wound that lasts a lifetime but I now think it’s a wound that can start to heal.

I am a Survivor/Warrior with scars. I love that I have the courage to heal. I love that I can help others with my journey. I love that this is MY story to tell. I love that you are never too old to figure stuff out – I am 61! I love that I am more than enough and I am beautiful and I am a grateful spirit!

-Susan, Survivor

The Saprea Retreat was breathtaking and the most perfect thing I could have done in the moment I was in. When I signed up to go I was in a rut of hating myself, feeling like I was stuck and couldn’t accomplish anything in my life because of my PTSD.

Walking into a place where I felt understood and accepted instantly by all the people I was surrounded by was, by itself, so healing. I learned how to manage my PTSD symptoms and I found out that I have a loud, strong voice! I am powerful and can do anything as long as I keep taking baby steps forward.

I can’t even explain how amazing this experience was and continues to be! It changed my life and in return I will help make a difference in people lives, to pay it forward, as much as I possibly can!

-Natasha, Survivor