It took me four days to buy my round-trip ticket. I had already started my healing journey and the Saprea Retreat was right there at my fingertips. I had no problem finding all the flights there and back. But, buying the ticket I would start to sweat and panic. Finally, my husband purchased it. He knew it was causing me a lot of issues so he did it himself. I am so thankful he did that.

When I arrived, I looked like a deer in headlights. So much to take in, my mind was racing. I got to my room and took a deep breath, and it all fell into place.

I left the retreat understanding why my brain and body responded to things the way it does. I can control my mind and my body. I am so thankful for Saprea. It saved my life. I always thought no one would think I was a victim cause my accuser was a woman. I wasn’t alone and so many others can relate. The women I meet there are a godsend. We formed a bond that no one will understand. I am so thankful for them and the chance to be a part of something so amazing. I will share my story until my last breath because I know someone out there is struggling inside to be set free.

-Jessica, Survivor

Smiling was my coping mechanism, as people don’t tend to ask a smiling person, “What’s wrong?” I hid behind my smile for the longest time, ashamed of what happened to me. I believed that if I ignored it, then it never happened; but my heart was broken and I needed to face that.

I had always deluded myself by expecting the worst in everything, because anything above that worst-case scenario you just built in your head is going to be a plus. Right? Wrong; I left myself open for more wrong than good using my trauma as a baseline. Getting yelled at for something I didn’t do is not as bad as my trauma, but not good as well. I needed to find the courage to stand up for myself.

My brother actually encouraged me to seek help at the Saprea Retreat and made it near impossible for me to refuse, because I had so completely convinced myself that I was fine since I was a very successful person in society. He knew I needed to truly let go and I’m forever thankful he knew me better than I knew myself. My journey began at this retreat and I am reinvigorated for life’s lessons.

I was so shocked at how four days can seem such a short time, but have such a lasting impact. Going to a place with other strangers seemed daunting, but I went. I signed up for everything they offered and expected to see multiple surprise cry sessions added in the schedule upon arrival, but was so relieved when I got there and was instantly put at ease with the relaxing mountains, massive lodge surrounded by lakes, streams, and just peace (no cry sessions at all).

My favorite part was the art journaling. I learned to reconnect with an artistic side of myself I had lost in my childhood; I draw, paint, and build more now than I ever have before. I had met some of the most amazing survivors anyone could ask to meet and I am still friends with them all. I found courage, strength, forgiveness, and motivation in myself while there at the retreat. I am worthy and I am enough. Two years later and I’m still growing stronger and helping as many survivors as I can along the way.

I smile now, not to hide. But for the first time in a long time, I am truly happy with myself and with where I’m going in life. No longer a victim, but a strong survivor.

-Margaret, Survivor

Being a survivor of child sexual abuse has been a part of my life, but I have never been able to deal with. My closest family members didn’t want to hear about it. It was like they didn’t believe me. They didn’t want to see me. They wanted the problem to just be swept under the carpet and left alone. What they didn’t realize is that it was like reliving the years of abuse again. I had been harboring negative feelings of myself such as: worthlessness, self-hate, and anger to name a few. I have been in private counseling sessions with no success. I had come to the acceptance that this mountain in my life was just too tough to climb, that I would never be able to release the negative feelings I felt about myself, that no one understood what I had gone through or what I was feeling.

While driving from the Boise area down to the Saprea Retreat in Utah, I had 5 hours of alone time to ponder and think about what I expected to happen at the retreat. Would I continue to blame and hate myself, would I learn how to deal with my abusive past, or would this just be a waste of my time? I kept telling myself, “Just turn around at the next exit and go home.” But something inside of me just kept driving. While driving, I decided that I would have no expectations for results at the retreat. I would listen to the lessons, take part in the classes and therapy sessions, enjoy the environment, but absolutely no expectations of feeling or getting better about my situation.

I can honestly say, attending the Saprea Retreat was nothing short of a miracle for me. Without going into details about the classes and off-site therapy at the retreat, I will say that the four days of attending the retreat has allowed me to see things from a view point I have never seen before.

As one of my “warrior sisters” at the retreat called it, my “Woo-Woo” moment arrived. I had arrived. I see myself as worthy, not worthless. Strong and courageous, not weak and feeble. My voice will be heard, not silent. My happiness would shine through, the anger and self-hate would disappear. I was not alone, and never would be again. Most of all, I realized that I am loved and I matter.

The Saprea Retreat gave me the tools and direction to, not only climb the mountain that has defeated me for years, but to crush it to ashes. To be able to leave it crumbled, and to never let it hinder my ability to walk my path of happiness which I know I deserve. Thank you to Saprea for this wonderful program. Thank you for helping me to see the true me.

-Melanie, Survivor

How do you put into words a “cornerstone moment” of your life? How do you put value on something that affects your mind, your heart, and your soul forever more?

For years, I have been operating with a wounded spirit. Mind you, I have been pretty successful. I have a happy, loving marriage to a man who makes me swoon every day. I have a beautiful, talented daughter who makes me giggle all the time. I am self-employed and have an amazing business where I get to make a positive difference in the world every day.

When I heard about Saprea, I told myself: I don’t need to go, what happened to me wasn’t that bad. It only happened a couple times, and it was by different people. I’m happy, I’m successful, I don’t need to be “fixed.” And yet, I operated every day from a place of not being worthy, not being enough. Worried that I wasn’t doing something right in my marriage. Always doing more than most, thinking I “just required less sleep.” Every day I was masking the pain of a 10-year-old girl, with keeping busy and eating food.

I let myself get up to 340 pounds just to protect myself. If I was fat nobody would bother me. And you know what? They didn’t. Until a year ago, when I lost 100 pounds. I then felt very vulnerable, I was determined to maintain a healthy weight. It was then when I heard someone speak again about Saprea and I knew I needed to go. I was done being silent, only a couple of people knew my story, the edited story, not the true yucky story.

The Saprea Retreat was a safe place where I was able to surround myself with women who have been through similar situations. They had the same hurts and the struggles I did. At the Saprea Retreat, I was able to learn tools to unbury deep hurts and start the healing process. I am sleeping more, I am maintaining my healthy weight, and most of all I am able to love myself more and the special people in my life.

I share the story of my journey and my time at the Saprea Retreat often. It is no longer a secret. I actually want to shout it from the rooftops because I am a survivor!

-Jennifer, Survivor

The effects of child sexual abuse in my life wax and wane like the stages of the moon. At times it’s a distant memory, a trial or a hardship in my past; other times it invades every cell and muscle of my body and brain, making it hard to breathe and think and function. Fight, flight and freeze with lots of numbing (think food and Netflix) become my days and nights. When “it” comes back I wonder what’s wrong with me, am I crazy? Am I not trying hard enough? Am I weak? Am I permanently, irretrievably damaged? I want to disappear, give up and be done with hurt and pain and heartache.

I found answers and healing in the beautiful, green mountains of Utah, at the Saprea Retreat. I learned about the extraordinary wound of trauma – that trauma isn’t just a bad experience, it’s something that threatens us to the core and that human sexuality wounds are often the most devastating. I learned that violated trust confuses the brain and that unresolved trauma stays stuck in the body and cells; I learned that the “crazy” was just my brain doing its job under the extreme stress of being in trauma. I learned that just talking about it, won’t make it go away.

Most importantly, I learned there are answers, tools and techniques that will free my mind and body; that I am not crazy, lazy or inherently damaged! I learned that yoga and mindfulness reach into the brain and body and release the trauma held there; that Muay Thai (a form of kick boxing) gives my body a chance to respond and fight back, the chance it didn’t have when I was a little girl, too weak and scared and small to respond.

I have knowledge, I have hope, I have faith, I have tools, I have power! I can be like the mountains that protected us and grow strong and powerful from pressure and stress. I was surrounded by seven strong, beautiful women who understood and knew how I felt. We bonded in a way that is hard to describe. I am humbled and feel so blessed to have been educated, honored, nurtured and loved by my fellow survivors and by the staff at the Saprea Retreat. Thank you to Saprea for understanding our needs and supporting survivors of sexual abuse. You have changed my life forever.

-Alison, Survivor

A little girl with a sun-yellow dress, matching hair bow and Mary Jane shoes—this is the last image that pops into my head of my childhood memories.

My childhood left that little girl with open gaping wounds that I didn’t think could ever be healed. My abusers were people who I thought were helpers, people who I thought could be trusted. For years, I did not trust anybody who came near me. I constantly questioned their intentions and built a wall so high, that I never thought it could be broken through. I had no hope.

I attended the Saprea Retreat with an open mind and a battered heart. I tried talking myself out of going for months. I gave every excuse I could think of, but I am so glad that I got on that airplane. I left that beautiful home in the mountains with not only new friends but I am noticing now that those once gaping wounds are becoming scars. Scars show me that even though at one time I was hurt, that eventually that pain is replaced with new, tough skin.

Every single day, I am choosing to walk taller, to look people in the eyes, and to finally let that little girl with all of the hurt, fly free. I am beyond thankful for the opportunity to attend Saprea Retreat. I am breaking free from all of the hurt and pain. Finally, I am free.

-Mandie, Survivor

I’m 52 years old, and all these years I have dealt with my abusive past through therapy and other healing modalities. Those modalities were very helpful in bringing my life forward, however so much changed when I surrendered to my fears and attended the Saprea Retreat.

For the first time, I had the opportunity to meet and bond with others who completely understood where I’ve been and how difficult this journey is. I now have lifelong friends who get me and we will support each other always!

The education provided about the trauma brain changed my life. I am now learning to master my trauma brain and I feel so balanced and free. Yoga has become a helpful tool for my brain and body. I feel so much better.

Saprea Retreat workers are the best. They are not intrusive at all, and we were always granted the opportunity to opt out of any activities at any time, although I ended up doing most of them and benefitted so much from them. I began to feel safe from the minute I met the drivers and other participants. The organization’s generosity is overwhelming, and the plans they’ve made for helping women heal are outstanding.

-Cindy, Survivor

At age 60, I have spent a lifetime hiding, my abuse and my suffering, in plain sight. For decades, I have always lived feeling behind, ashamed, an outsider, and always alone and misunderstood. Through it all, inch by inch, I struggled through counseling, lots of self-work, determined to not let it define my life. I was determined to never, ever give up on myself, no matter how long it took. Yet there was always a missing piece to my recovery.

Then, no longer content to be invisible, this student was ready to come out and this teacher, the Saprea Retreat, suddenly appeared.

At first, I didn’t see a picture of any survivor my age on the webpage. While I was so glad there was something that a younger me could have benefited from, I wondered, and was hungry for, if they had something there for me, so I applied. I had no idea what to expect, except, this would be the very first time I would be in a space where everyone could look in my eyes and know who I was, understand my past. That alone made me anxious and hopeful. This journey was remarkable.

I never thought of my abuse as trauma as I learned here and this was super significant for me. I always associated that with, and embraced that pain for other people, especially other children when learning of their abused or hurt lives, but never me. For the first time, instead of my reflection of enduring all those years of abuse as a weakness, I felt validated. For my strength. For surviving.

Here, I felt such a great sense of relief. I no longer felt isolated. I was gifted with a new sisterhood, a sense of belonging, and emerged with a graceful awakening to see and love myself as the whole and beautiful woman I am.

-Lorraine, Survivor

There’s a lot of guilt and shame that go along with abuse, and over the years, I’d grown used to feeling that way. I truly thought that’s who I was, and I let that belief dictate how I lived my life.

At the Saprea Retreat, I saw myself clearly for the first time in a very long time. Where I was used to seeing someone shameful, I saw someone beautiful. I saw that I was strong for surviving, despite the trials that had come my way. I realized that maybe I did have something to offer to those around me. I saw that I had worth, and it was absolutely liberating.

I don’t think I’d really understood the weight I carried on my shoulders until that weight was lifted. I cried tears of relief to be able to love myself and to not be ashamed of it. I felt free, and I felt happy to be me.

Somehow, in the course of only four days, the Saprea Retreat gave me real happiness—with where I’m at, where I’m going, and especially with who I am. Although complete healing can be a long journey, I’ve learned that it’s okay to be a work in progress. And I think it’s especially okay to love yourself, unapologetically, the whole way through.

-Shaylie, Survivor

It’s been nearly a year since receiving the call that changed my life. Attending the Saprea Retreat was the best thing I have ever done for myself. Since returning I have found and used my voice to stand up for me.

I wasn’t living the life I wanted, I was living the life I thought I was supposed to be. I’ve said goodbye to the toxic relationship I was in. I would never have had the strength before to do that. I drove over a thousand miles by myself to visit family. I’ve put it off for years because I was too afraid. I’ve suffered loss and heartache since then but I’ve also found strength, confidence and true friendship with my sisterhood.

Although I’m on my own now, I’m never truly alone. My support system of fellow survivors is standing strong right beside me. I understand now how much the trauma affected my life and the damage it has done in my relationships, but it no longer has its grip on me. I’ve grown so much since then.  I am stronger, happier, and no longer weighed down with my secret. Someone once told me that you know you are healing when you can tell your story without tears. No tears are flowing as I share my story. Thank you for giving me my life back! Bless you for giving us women this incredible journey to heal.

-Stephanie, Survivor