At 10 1/2 years old my life was shattered forever. The abuse that I suffered at the hands of a family member altered the course of my life. I had no idea of the negative things that were going to enter my universe because of my heaviest. Self-hatred, shame, confusion, pain (both emotional and mental), and feeling my life was shattered forever.

My abuse was continuous and ongoing over the course of five years and it would take me another 30 years before I could truly start my healing journey. After battling addiction and becoming a teenage mom I put a lid on my abuse and went about my life. Little did I know that it was affecting everything in my daily life, including my relationships with my children.

In June 2018, I attended the Saprea Retreat. I had no idea how broken I was when I arrived. My time there was life-changing. I learned to believe in myself again. I left there with a sense of worthiness knowing that I was enough. I was able to find forgiveness, not for the benefit of my abuser but for the benefit of myself. I found my inner strength and with that came my voice that will never be silenced again.

I know my healing process will be ongoing, but I know that I would not be sitting where I’m at today it was not for Saprea and the Saprea Retreat. I was provided with the tools to start my healing journey and to continue once I came home. I am not the same person that arrived at the retreat. Not only did I leave there a very different person, but I have continued to change and grow in the time since I’ve been home. Today there is hope in my life. There’s laughter in my voice. There’s a sparkle in my eyes that has been missing for 30 years and there is excitement for the future ahead.

I know I will never be the same and I am so thankful for that. I am proud of the woman I’ve become through this journey and excited to watch her grow.

-Jenny Lyn, Survivor

My first memory of the abuse was when I was 5 and my nightmare ended when I was 13. So as horrible as it may seem, I grew up thinking that this is what “love” is. It wasn’t until I was 13 that I found out that this was not my fault and what happened to me was not “normal” and was terribly wrong.

The shame that I felt was so overwhelming at times that I wanted to run; run as fast and hard as I could away from them. Asking myself why, why is this happening to me? How could they betray the love and trust of an innocent little girl?

I felt so alone. What did I do wrong? What did I do to deserve this horrible display of “love”?

The answer is: NOTHING!

I did nothing wrong It look 8 years for me to be told this. For some stranger take me into their life and make me see that it was the men who did this that were sick people, that they were wrong. That what they did was inappropriate and abusive. It took years, but eventually I was able to forgive one for what they had done to me. A huge part of it was that he took responsibility for what he had done.

The other was no longer in my life when it came out what he was doing to me. He died before I had the chance to confront him. When people find out what I went through as a child, they look at me and say that is horrible, and look at me with pity. I tell them DON’T feel sorry for me. My childhood was horrendous, no doubt, BUT it has shaped me into the woman that I am today! Which is pretty AWESOME, if I do say so myself!

There are children all over the world that go through what I did, what those two did does not define me; it has made me into a strong empowered woman! The road was not easy, but with the support of loved ones and strangers, I too am a survivor.

-Christine, Survivor

I am me and I am beautiful! I have been on my journey to discovering who I am for a while now. I first heard of the Saprea Retreat from a friend last year. I was skeptical about applying at first, then I did. Things began to fall into place. I received the dates I was to come. My anxiety grew once I arrived. That was put to ease as I was greeted by some friendly faces. I came to the retreat hiding and wearing a mask. The mini makeover/photoshoot was my biggest healing moment. For the first time ever, I finally began to feel and believe I am beautiful. I told the staff, I felt like I was going to a prom that I never got to attend. I slowly began letting go of my mask. I let my guard down and knew that the staff and those who attended were those I could feel safe around. I began to open up, and allowed myself to reconnect with the inner child who was lost so long ago. I walked around the yard with my new friends laughing and having fun. I realized that I am the author of my own book. I decide if and when to turn the page and begin my new chapter. My hiding and mask are gone! I have a new outlook and new tools to use to help me continue my healing journey. I can do this! I am forever grateful for this experience!

-Dawn, Survivor

It’s hard to remember what my life was like before the trauma had occurred. What I do remember is that I almost always had a smile on my face and always wanted to make others around me happy. Going into middle school, I had no idea that my life was going to soon be impacted in such a huge way.

In 8th grade I was sexually abused by someone I thought I could put so much trust in. When I was 13 and 14, I was probably one of the most innocent kids in school and had no idea what was even happening at the time. The abuse went on for almost 2 years and it wasn’t until high school that I began to understand what had happened to me.

In high school, I tried my best to push away those memories and keep them a secret. I always feared I would be in trouble for being in that situation and felt it was my fault. It wasn’t until my freshman year of college that I told my truth to anyone. Several years of memories and flashbacks finally caught up to me and the pain was just too much to bare.

In 2016, I wanted to take my life because I felt there was no way out of the shame and sadness I was experiencing. I was hospitalized for a short period of time and still managed to finish my first year of college. I’ve been in therapy for over a year now, working to manage my PTSD, anxiety, and depression. Healing hasn’t been easy, but finding the right therapist has been one of the best things that’s happened for me. I still experience daily battles trying to live with the past and what my future holds.

After 2 years of waiting, I will finally have my chance this year to tell my truth on the stand, face my abuser, and hopefully gain some closure in the process. Knowing that sharing my story can help others motivates me to push through. Although my innocence was taken too soon, my spirit to survive can never be taken from me.

-Ally, Survivor

At the very young age of four, a family member began sexually abusing me. I felt trapped, worthless, disgusting, and broken. For years my abuse went on with no stop to it. I felt alone and scared and unable to get help from anyone. My abuser had convinced me that if I came forward, no one would believe me, no one would listen, and even worse, he would harm me and my brother. I was stuck. For years I had held onto this emotional pain.

Finally, as a 16-year-old, I came forward about my abuse to my family. Lucky for me, my family was incredibly accepting and supportive. They all had my back. However, healing from sexual abuse is not a one-step process. It takes a lifetime of support and finding yourself again. It takes effort and time to accept.

A year ago, I made the best decision of my entire life. I attended the Saprea Retreat in Utah. Although this was the scariest step I had ever taken in my journey, I knew deep down that this retreat is what I needed, and I was right. I met women from all over the country who knew exactly how I was feeling and how I was struggling. These women, and the incredible volunteers and staff, changed my life forever. Through the activities and bonding, the tears and the smiles, I gained HOPE! Something I never really had before this retreat. I realized my worth, I realized I was not alone, and I realized that I would survive! I would thrive! And I would be okay. I am so grateful for this experience and will never forget the amazing women who changed my life.

-Lauren, Survivor

Right after my 18th birthday, I was raped by two different men I had never met before. It took a long time before I came to the realization that it really wasn’t my fault.

I believe everything happens for a reason, even when we couldn’t possibly know what that reason is. Everything that I’ve endured has made me the woman I am today, and I actually love ME! My daughter may not experience what I went through if I’m able to share with her those “red flags.”

Maybe someone reading this will decide to take back control of their life and if so, maybe this was my calling.

This is your life… don’t allow those toxic people to stay in control. Be the BOSS I know you can be and TAKE YOUR LIFE BACK!

-Samantha, Survivor

For years since my assault and trauma I have fought with myself between shame, guilt, doubt, and insecurity. I have struggled with varying levels of PTSD, anxiety, and the isolation I put myself in because of how unworthy I have felt. The rose-colored glass I grew up seeing the world through shattered, and with it I grew up in silence feeling like those shattered pieces.

I finally had a breaking point a little over a year ago when I just couldn’t take the pain and flashbacks anymore. My depression flooded over me and I felt like I could barely swim to the top for air. I sought out help and began going to therapy, but I still felt like something was missing. It was in June of 2018 I attended the Saprea Retreat, and there they held the piece I had been missing all along.

A community. A sisterhood. My tribe and my flock.

I began to understand I’m not alone in this and that my pieces mended together are more beautiful and I am worthy. That I don’t have to isolate myself. It’s crazy how some places can feel more like home in just a few days than places you’ve lived throughout your life. I felt nothing but continuous love and care in this save haven, almost like I was in the arms of angels.

Since coming back to my home I’ve continued to work on my healing journey. I continue with therapy and we take things I have learned from the Saprea Retreat and continue more in-depth with them… recently I realized I haven’t felt as happy as I am now in years, the smile on my face since the retreat wasn’t that from a mask but my real smile. With the tools I learned I am growing a backbone, allowing no one the power to take my strength and stride away anymore. I am becoming exactly who I am meant to be. Once broken but mended beautifully. I am enough. I am a survivor. I am empowered. I am worthy. And no one can tell me otherwise.

-Danielle, Survivor

What started off as an innocent question turned into eight years of abuse. At the age of twelve I became a mom for the first time and my child literally saved my life. Though my child saved my life there was still a part of me that blamed myself for what happened. It took years of therapy for me to realize that what had happened was not my fault.

I tried to fit in with society and be a “normal” teenager, but I never felt like I fit in because I knew I wasn’t “normal.” It was difficult for me to trust anyone, but I have a big heart so I tried to give people a chance. When I was in high school I started dating my husband and from the moment we started talking I knew in my heart that he was my person. I also knew that I did not want to be “another statistic” so I ended up graduating high school and going on to an amazing college where I graduated with two Bachelor’s degrees and a Master’s degree within 5.5 years while raising three kids and working a full-time job. Though I was doing everything so right and accomplishing all the goals that I had for myself, I still didn’t feel good about myself.

I was always told that I was pretty growing up, but I never felt pretty on the inside. I still felt like something was missing, but I continued to work hard to reach my life goals. It wasn’t until after the birth of my 4th child that I started to realize that the feeling of emptiness I had was me needing to love myself, so I vowed to start putting myself first and learning to love me, though I knew it was going to be a process.

In May of 2017 I came across an opportunity that was completely out of my comfort zone, but I knew it was my chance to tell my story, my truth, so I jumped on the opportunity. I applied to be a model for a local campaign where women share their body struggles through a photo and short written story. All of the photographs and stories were then displayed at a gallery for the public to see. A few days prior to the event (which took place in November 2017) I was asked to speak about my experience with the campaign. I agreed to do so even though I was terrified.

In order for me to speak about my experience, however, I first had to give a quick background about my story. So for the first time in my life I publically spoke about my history of abuse while talking about my experience participating in the campaign. I was a nervous wreck and started crying halfway through the speech because hearing myself talk about my journey in a room full of strangers really hit me in a way that it never has before. Though I know what I’ve lived through, prior to that day my abuse history has always felt like a distant dream, but reading my story aloud in front of all of those people made it a reality.

I have gained so much confidence and learned to love myself. I now love myself more than I have ever have before and I embrace my story and my journey. I was chosen to be a voice for those who can’t or aren’t ready to use their voices yet and I will use my voice to spread awareness and share my story to help others and give them hope.

-L.B., Survivor

I had lived all my life in a safe environment and had a relatively sheltered home life and upbringing. I experienced a lot of shock, fear, and devastation when, as a young teen, I first found myself in a situation where I fell victim to being raped by an older guy I did not know. I experienced feelings of guilt and shame regarding the incident and because of this, I kept it a secret. I tried to put it behind me and move on. I took on beliefs about myself that I was tarnished. I thought I was less worthy. I thought I was damaged goods. I thought I was no longer pure. I felt week and helpless. I thought I was unlovable. I decided I was a victim. I became ill and diseased. I experienced failed relationship after relationship. I must be unlovable. I felt like a failure. One thing that took me years to realize is that keeping this in the dark and in secrecy only perpetuates the problem.

I kept it a secret. I thought I “handled” it okay by sticking it on a shelf and trying to move on. I didn’t realize the damage it caused me for many years. I had no clue the heartache I would continue to find myself in for years because of what that incident did to me, including a divorce and a called off engagement. I had no clue the health issues that would develop because of it all, including a handful of chronic illnesses and auto-immune diseases. I didn’t understand the way trauma, unresolved trauma, truly affects our physical bodies!

In the last several years I have come to know these truths about myself: I am brave. I am strong, stronger than I ever could have imagined as a timid little girl. I am worthy of love. I am pure. I am beautiful. I am lovable. I am the hero of my life, a victor! I am healthy and whole. I am a leader. I matter! I am a light, a beacon, and a strength to others. I am loved and supported. I am seen. My worth is infinite and divine!

I am also grateful for Saprea, what they stand for and what they do for women who have been victimized in their childhood/youth. I see a beauty and strength in the woman in these photos that I had not yet ever really seen before. The old me would find this thing or that to pick apart and critique in my photos. I am able to enjoy the photos for what they are. Thank you for helping me truly seetru the strength and beauty that is ME!

-Jennifer, Survivor

I had few to no memories of my childhood. I never thought about the lack of memories. Or the pieces that felt like broken shards of glass. To me, it seemed normal to feel alone, sad with my painted smile. I know there were happy times but my body held onto the pain. My stomach was sick, I felt ugly and unloved. The drunken, unwatchful parents who knew naught of the multiple hands on their daughter. It was hard. I still think of how many times and the people I had to see regularly.

For years I was an empty shell. One night while I was living with a host family and volunteering in Armenia, the country of my ancestors, I had a dream about my experience. I brushed it off like it was nothing. The pain felt real. Almost a year later those dreams kept coming and the memories reappeared. Suddenly, I felt overly sad and happy because I had memories. The intensity of feelings was scary. I had always had anxiety but never felt depressed. I had moments of paralyzing sadness and anger. I wanted to confront all the people in my past who had hurt me. I still do. I hope one day I can. I still have memories surfacing.

The amount of times I was sexually abused still brings me to tears. I almost let the pain take me. I’ll never forget after I tried to take my life how much I realized I wanted to live. Through all that pain and suffering I was reminded that I am strong. I have always been a person who tries to instill strength in others to help them see how amazing they are. I did not realize I needed to find my own strength. I needed to learn to love myself. Now I do. Now I am able to use all my negative experiences to help others as a mental health therapist. I am still working on forgiving those who hurt me and some I may never. But I feel peace knowing I got through it and can help others do the same.

-Rose, Survivor