Like ninety percent of abuse survivors, I was sexually abused by a trusted family member for several years. When the abuse was made known, my mom was told by church leaders that she needed to forgive the abuser, and we should not talk about it. The shame of the abuse and the silence I was forced into was a heavy weight for a young girl to carry.

I went on to live a lackluster life of inevitable failures. I always felt like I was damaged goods and that if people knew about my past they would think less of me. I lived in a perpetual spiral of shame, always wanting to do and be more, but mentally feeling like I didn’t deserve more than my mediocre life.

In 2009, I did something that changed my entire life: I ran a marathon. For the next nine years, I believed it was the race itself that created the lasting change. I picked myself up out of a really bad place where I was practically homeless with no way to take care of my autistic son, and I turned my life around. I went back to college and finally graduated in 2013. I got to a point where I felt strong and I was capable of standing on my own two feet.

But when I attended the Saprea Retreat in March of 2018, I realized the marathon, while an amazing feat, was NOT what really ignited my internal flame. It was the sense of CONTROL I finally felt I had on my self, my body, and my life. I felt empowered, strong, and quite frankly, angry that I had carried so much shame all my life. I was determined to become the best version of myself and to use my former struggles as strengths, to turn my weakness into warrior.

My experience at the Saprea Retreat was amazing. The staff treated us with so much kindness and respect; the activities were healing and therapeutic; and the connections with all the other women were priceless. I wish I had done it sooner, and I wish I could do it again. The work they’re doing to help abuse survivors is truly extraordinary.

Today, I speak to organizations about finding their inner awesomeness. I openly share my story and encourage others to embrace their own stories, recognizing that their experiences, good and bad, make them uniquely amazing. The more we talk about it, the more we heal, and the more we can work toward defending innocence.

-Stacy, Survivor

Some people survive and talk about it. Some people survive and go silent. Some people survive and create. Everyone deals with unimaginable pain in their own way, and everyone is entitled to that, without judgement. They say ignorance is bliss and there was a time when I subscribed to that notion. The trauma of sexual abuse, whether remembered or not, has an uncanny nature of infiltrating every fiber of your being whether you remember or not. I am a survivor and started getting memories three years ago when the perpetrator, who is a family member, decided to clear his conscience and confess to me. The moment the words left his mouth and the truth of it hit me, my life was forever changed. I was devastated. I was shattered. I was broken. I went numb for months and refused to deal with it because just the mere thought of the memories was too much for me to bear.

There were nights where I would weep until I had no more tears to shed. Days when I went through life without feeling anything because I was afraid that by letting in anything at all, the dam would open, and I would sink. So, fight it I did, very hard, until I got to the point where I had to make the decision whether to continue to ignore what was happening or face it head-on. I finally got help and it was the best decision I have ever made. I was fortunate to find a therapist that helped through the first round of memories until I moved to a new city. I thought I was fine until I was triggered by another rape and I have been doing deep work since. I work every day to become better, sometimes in absolute refusal of letting this dictate the rest of my story, but mostly because I am worth it.

I have learned that sometimes the journey isn’t so much about becoming anything; perhaps it is about unbecoming everything that isn’t really me, so I can be who I was meant to be in the first place. I have felt unspeakable moments of intense joy that have opened my heart to love – moments that have left me completely speechless. I have experienced so many wonderful things that people only dream of, and some that I would not wish on an enemy.

Sometimes I am still confused – it was where I begin to learn new things. Sometimes I still feel broken with every new memory remembered – it was where I begin to heal. Sometimes I am still frustrated – it is where I pause to make more authentic decisions. Sometimes I am sad for what I have lost but when I am brave enough, I can hear my heart’s wisdom through it.

As I look back, I do so forgivingly. As I look forward, I do so prayerfully and hopeful. But the wisest thing I am learning to do is to be present in the present, gratefully, because a grateful heart is a magnet for miracles.

-Joseline, Survivor

I believed that I was to remain the way I was. That I would always be the little, incompetent, damaged person. I felt like a little girl in an adult body. I would forever remain broken and useless. Now I realize that by taking the steps toward recovery and attending the Saprea Retreat, I am not only buying more assurance to stay away from alcohol, but healing that little girl who was so horribly damaged – through no fault of her own. I can now take her by the hand and go back through the stages of growing up. I will be the adult, protecting her; teaching her; loving her; and valuing her as the deserving little girl that she was. I have faith that someday I can integrate the adult me and child me into one whole person who knows that her value is great. Just like the kintsugi bowl, I am being restored.

-Janet, Survivor

I was sexually abused by someone who was very close to me. But no one would listen. One of the worst things about sexual abuse is someone not believing you. Someone telling you something isn’t happening to you, but you know it’s wrong. If there is one thing I would say to inspire and empower others, it’s don’t be afraid to speak up, even if the first person doesn’t listen go to someone else.

I am a sexual abuse survivor and I am a stronger, more confident woman today. My voice matters and so does yours.

-Ashley, Survivor

I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse. My experience happened 60 years ago when I was four years old. The power of shame, guilt, embarrassment, and low self-esteem has controlled me my entire life.

For my entire life I have struggled with not being enough. I felt like I had to be perfect to fit in. I have used dissociation my entire life. I have been frozen in time and not been able to move.

In 2017, I had a friend tell me about Saprea Retreat. I kept thinking about applying to go to the retreat and finally contacted them and signed up to go. I became very anxious after I signed up. The day finally came for me to attend and I was anxious about meeting the other women.

After I got settled in I met some of the most amazing women who were much younger than myself. I formed such a strong bond with these women that no one can break. Attending the retreat was the first time I spoke about my sexual abuse. They truly understood and really listened to me.

I am so grateful I had the opportunity of attending the Saprea Retreat. It taught me how to truly love myself and ask for what I need. I learned some new tools and strategies to help me on my journey. I have a long way to go to heal myself since I have just begun my journey.

-Jenefer, Survivor

I suffered sexual abuse from 7 to 12 years old. I had never told anyone. The first person to know was my wife almost 5 years ago when we met.

My mother is an alcoholic, most people in my family are also, so I couldn’t tell anyone what happened to me. It is still difficult to overcome but gradually I will be 100%.

I’m 24 years, I’m married, and I’m really happy with my life. I’m a survivor and I’m so proud of myself because I know that I’m strong!

I know that I’m not alone. I am thankful every single day for being alive. That’s what matters most. And I want to send a lot of strength to all the survivors. We’re not alone.

-Mafe, Survivor

After years of therapy and healing work, I thought I was done with my healing journey. Yet, I still found it difficult to really feel joy and be proud of all that I had accomplished. I continued to feel ashamed of my body and the way I looked. I was closed off to trusting others, especially other women.

Somehow, I knew having the opportunity to attend the Saprea Retreat would allow me the space to open my heart to finally love myself.

It did and so much more.

It was truly the first time I have ever been the presence of women, other survivors, who absolutely accepted me for exactly who I am. This, in turn, allowed me to begin the steps to accept and love myself in the same way, for exactly who I am.

While I couldn’t have helped what happened to me as a victim of sexual assault, I am beginning to embrace being a survivor who loves herself unconditionally, who knows that she is created for greatness, and now has a Sisterhood of Survivors who are my family for life.

-Alison, Survivor

My story begins when I was 8 years old. My stepfather, who once seemed like a caring, amazing man turned into a monster. He became emotionally, physically, and sexually abusive. It lasted until I was 14 years old. I was so young and didn’t understand it, but I was too scared to speak up due to the threats I received.

What pushed me to tell someone was the birth of my baby brother. He was so young and innocent to the world and I didn’t want to see him raised in such an environment. I eventually spoke to CPS about the situation and they helped to resolve the situation.

I am now 27 years old and in a very good place. I have chosen to forgive my abuser, as hard as it was, but I forgave him for me. I gave myself the okay to move on and to live life to the fullest without carrying around the shame and hurt. That was, by far, the best decision I’ve ever made and I encourage all survivors to do the same no matter how tough it may be. It truly sets you free!

-Emily, Survivor

My abuse started when I was six-years-old and was initiated by someone I loved and trusted. Being so young when the abuse started I was unable to view my perpetrator in a negative light. The abuse continued for several years before I realized that it was wrong and my innocence had been stolen from me.

I will never forget the day I started taking personal responsibility for the abuse. I was incapable of seeing that the abuse was not my fault. I began to experience feelings of guilt, shame, and self-blame. I internalized negative messages about myself. I was traumatized to believe a lie about the value of my self-worth.

I began feeling defective and unlovable. My ability to trust was destroyed and I built a wall of protection around my heart. I began to disconnect from everyone believing that the people I love would hurt me. I was robbed of my self, safety, and sanity. My worth was gone and all that was left was the pain I learned to hold inside. I began to dissociate to protect myself from experiencing the sexual abuse.

In my twenties, I started calling myself a survivor and not a victim. By doing that I thought I had “fixed” myself but I never really dealt with the trauma to “fix” it. I was still broken. The long-term effects of the abuse continued to hinder every area of my adult life. I had difficulties establishing healthy interpersonal relationships, getting involved in abusive relationship after abusive relationship. Anxiety, depression, PTSD, and suicidal ideation consumed my life.

Three years ago, I met and married the man who turned my life around and led me to the beginning of my healing journey. Everything was great the first year and then we entered a season of difficulties. I was used to running when things started getting difficult but this time it was different and I couldn’t run. My anxiety, fear, panic attacks and night terrors came flooding back. He loved me through every difficult situation and for the first time I wanted to stay and fight for my marriage. Our marriage has never been abusive and I could not ask for a better husband.

He encouraged me to look into EMDR and, with a lot of hesitation and skepticism, I decided to do the therapy. After six weeks of therapy I felt like a completely different woman. I was able to get rid of 99% of my negative cognitions. The only one I wasn’t able to rid myself of was the self-blame. My counselor told me I had to learn to love myself to let go of that cognition. I had no idea what she was talking about.

I heard about the Saprea Retreat and three months later I was on a plane to Utah, scared to death! I soon found out that I was not alone and met 23 other women who were scared to death just like me. For the first time in my life I felt connected. For four days I got to share my life with some amazing women as we gained the skills and knowledge to help us find and develop supportive relationships.

Now, I will never forget the day I realized what loving yourself means. It was during the trauma-sensitive yoga class. A feeling of peace and serenity overwhelmed me and my mind was telling me THIS is how I love myself. Be good to myself and treat myself to peace and well-being by using the resources given to me at the retreat to continue my healing journey.

By reclaiming my hope, I am learning to say and believe I am strong, I am beautiful (still difficult), I am worthy, and I can love myself. As a result, I quit holding myself responsible for the actions of my abuser. I cannot thank everyone at the Saprea Retreat enough for their compassion, encouragement, and hospitality they gave so freely and providing resources for us very broken women to go home feeling rejuvenated and empowered to Reclaim our Hope.

-Ronda, Survivor

I am a survivor of childhood sexual and physical abuse. My breakthrough happened when I gave birth to my son. And, it’s been a series of continual breakthroughs ever since. I was a foster child who was bounced around from home to home, my last one was with my perpetrator. Afterwards I was sent to a “juvenile home” where I stayed for 1.5 years. It was when one of the psychologists and his wife who took me in at 14 where, for the first time in my life, I had stability, hope, encouragement, positivity, caring and love. I honestly don’t know where or what I would be today without their caring and without the birth of my son. I am a work in progress and yes, some days are very hard still and I am glad I found this site.

-Priscilla, Survivor