This is my story and how AMAZING I feel after the Saprea Retreat. If I can help one person then my job is done. I am writing this because I am no longer going to be silent, afraid or embarrassed but make my voice heard. I was a victim for 8 years, from the age of 4 until I was 12. We HAVE to stop this vicious cycle of abuse and become aware and educate ourselves so this does not happen to anyone else. I am not here to get sympathy, I am here to give a voice to those who have not found it yet.

I am here to tell you after a four-day trip to the Saprea Retreat, I now know that I am NOT alone and I do have voice. A voice that is NOT going to stop. I learned that many of the bad decisions that I have made throughout my life is a result of my trauma and now I can work on them. I am normal. If it was not for the people who support this cause, I would have never had a chance to go.

I have realized after my experience that there is no shame in accepting what has happened to me but what I do with the information is a key to my success. I met so many women and have a bond with them and for the first time in my life I actually feel safe. I believe I have a higher purpose in my lifetime and that is to help those who have no voice. You are NOT alone.

I AM a survivor and I AM strong.

-Jenni, Survivor

I was an innocent child of 4 when my mother would leave my brother and I with my aunt’s husband while they went to play bingo. This went on for several years before I finally said something to my mom.

As a teenager I went through some hard times and disobeyed my parents a lot. I was looking for love everywhere, someone who would make the pain from my childhood disappear. I never shared my story until I met Roman. He was my safe zone, I felt like I could tell this man anything without being judged. We got married and had 3 amazing kids. We divorced after 17 years of marriage but we continue our friendship and he is still my safe zone.

I am 46 years old now and I still have flash backs of things that happened to me when I was a child. But these things do not define me. I am a survivor! I am a strong woman because of my past!

We will never forget what happened to us but we are strong, we are survivors!!!

-Callie, Survivor

When #MeToo was trending, it kind of put me in a bit of a spiral. I realized that instead of healing from my past trauma, I had shoved it all behind a door, pasted a “DO NOT ENTER” sign on the front and repeated I’m okay, I’m fine, look how okay and fine I am! to myself for around 10 years, and unfortunately, faking it ‘til you make it just doesn’t work in situations like these.

From ages 15-18, I was in an abusive relationship where I was first emotionally abused and conditioned into believing no one else could ever truly love or care about me, and that quickly turned to also being sexually abused and raped countless times until I finally had the courage to walk away. I’m saying it out loud now, no side-stepping, no hinting, not anymore. For the first time, I verbalized what happened to me instead of trying to convince myself that it wasn’t as bad as it was.

It was bad, guys. And I think the worst of it is that it all happened behind closed doors and there was such an intense amount of love-bombing and gas-lighting that I felt like I was the crazy one, because some of the friends I confided in after Saprea Retreat mentioned that it seemed as it everything was perfect.

Long story short, it wasn’t. I was left with countless hang ups about myself, my body, my soul, my sexuality and sexual identity – I could go on. I still get night terrors. I still have a lot of anger inside.

Among many other things at the retreat, we did some Muay Thai. At first I was WAILING on the instructor, landing punches like there was no tomorrow, thinking that this was finally my chance to do what I wish I would have done then. But it was too much. Emotionally I began going to a place I didn’t want to go. I felt helpless and small. One of the other gals in my group was doing an amazing job though – after a good cry outside I just sat and watched her, her strength and tenacity was awe-inspiring and we could all see it. Because of her, I stood up to try again, this time with the male instructor. He had seen what happened and said something to me that changed my life.

“You are in control of your power.”

I guess I hadn’t ever considered that I’m not just a leaf in the wind, subject to my emotions and memories and everyone else around me. I’m an autonomous human being and I’m in control of this. We did it again – it felt amazing. I can’t describe the change that happened in my soul.

They also did a photoshoot at the retreat for those who wanted to participate. They did my makeup and hair, and when my makeup artist turned me around to look at the mirror, I could only cry and stare at myself. I’ve had my makeup done before, but for the first time in my adult life I was able to look into the mirror and I saw a woman looking back at me – not a 15-year-old trying to pretend that she’s okay, trying to fake her confidence and happiness.

I am so intensely joyful. I can’t even begin to explain all the healing and knowledge I’ve left with post-retreat. No more hiding, no more pretending it never happened. I’m okay, I’m in control of my power.

Nothing short of magic happened to me in Utah. There’s still so much life left for me, and I’m thrilled that I get to move forward with this magic surrounding my soul.

-Sophia, Survivor

Weeks leading up to the Saprea Retreat I kept hearing “this is going to change your life” and I thought how is this going to fix years of hurt and pain? How can being with people I don’t know, in a place I don’t know sharing my hurt and pain going to help me? Then I met these women and little by little I was changing by my own free will! I learned so much about myself and my body that I never knew the reasons behind.

There were moments at the retreat I was the 7-year-old girl all over again and when I cried I had these amazing women cry with me. When I shared my heart freely it wasn’t unheard.

I came home 14 weeks ago and not only do I see a change in myself but so do my family and friends. I no longer stay awake at night, afraid to sleep, because now I know I am safe. I know I am enough and I can go after my dreams because I am good enough. I’m not afraid to share my story because I am no longer ashamed. It isn’t my shame to hold on to as one of my warrior sisters told me.

I came home from the retreat free! Free from my own brain! Free from my past. I left everything there. I came home with my smile.

Can I say that I don’t have thoughts or feel on edge at times? Yes I do, but I have tools that help me work through it and not keep me stuck inside of my head.

The Saprea Retreat saved me!

I found me!

-Crystle, Survivor

I used to call myself a victim of sexual abuse. It defined me. I was purely that, struggling to seem normal or even try to recover. When I finally sought out help for my trauma, I learned to call myself a survivor. Because that is what every single person who attends the Saprea Retreat is: a SURVIVOR.

I attended the Saprea Retreat expecting it to be informative and interesting. I did not know how much it would change my life. I walked out of that retreat with a newfound fire in my heart to heal and help others heal. Being around so many other survivors and the amazing staff who genuinely cared about my recovery inspired me so much.

Knowing you are not alone and being surrounded by women who shower you with love and support are two different things. I now have a support network that understands what I have been through, new skills that have allowed me not only to get buy or try to be ‘normal’, but have shown me how to heal and love myself more than I ever have before.

I am beyond thankful for the Saprea Retreat and all that they do. To anyone thinking about attending this retreat: know that you are strong, loved, powerful, and worthy of so much in your life. Taking this step will allow you to further or even start your healing journey. Take what you learn and run with it…it will change your life!

-Lizzy, Survivor

I had no idea that the abuse I suffered so many years ago, was still running my life!

It was Saprea Retreat that brought me to awareness, hope, sisterhood, understanding and safety.

I had packed memories of abuse so deep within in me and just did the best I could to accept that it was the way life would be. I settled to endure life instead of living it. My I had put so many walls up, with so many fears and no way to face them or no place to turn. Carrying the shame and guilt from the darkness of my past.

The retreat, awakened me to a new way of being. They shinned light on a new path to take on my journey to heal and I learned tools to use along the way.

I AM A SURVIVOR…

-Vicki, Survivor

When I arrived at the Saprea Retreat I was suffering from massive anxiety to the point of panic attacks. I was terrified that at any moment they were going to pull me aside and tell me I was too broken to fix. I was positive that even though all the other women with their beautiful tattered souls were worth saving and would find the tools they needed to heal that they would see me and think, “No, she’s too far gone.” I had been telling myself all the right things but my brain wasn’t listening.

The support and love I felt from the staff and the other women at retreat was amazing and as I lay in the sunshine and felt the peace that exists at retreat I realized I won’t be fixed quickly. Over 30 years of carrying the pain and trauma will not be fixed in days, but the retreat gave me hope and the tools to believe. There’s was this incredible moment I realized I’m not fixed, but I am fixable and that means more.

Each of us has our own journey and own path and if we try to compare our healing to someone else it’ll feel wrong because we each handle our stress and pain differently. Some become beautiful strong women who hold the pain inside, some may be wonderfully outgoing and friendly who take care of others to hide from their own pain, some can’t sit in a room with the door closed because it feels like the oxygen is leaving and they shake and cry, some, like me, may be all of the above and more.

Yet each one of us, with the right tools, will learn to heal, will learn they are perfect in their imperfections and will learn they are fixable. We are the survivors and we can reclaim our hope and our belief in ourselves. Never give up.

-Shawna, Survivor

I’ve felt different my entire life, like I didn’t belong. Like I was never able to bond completely with anyone. I always felt alone and unloved. As a child, I was mentally, physically, and sexually abused by a family member from the ages of 9-17. I never told anyone. Not until I was in my late 20’s. I felt like I was always struggling in life. Like nothing I ever did was good enough. I could never put my finger on what was wrong with me. I thought about suicide a lot. I thought about revenge. I thought about running away. I thought about a lot of things but never DID anything.

One day I heard about Saprea Retreat while reading comments in a Facebook support group for survivors of childhood sexual abuse. I checked it out and kept going back to Saprea’s website for days. Until I finally DID something and I filled out the application. Filling out the application was like no other experience I had ever had. I cried and was overcome with emotion when I filled it out. I was scared. For once in life I knew what I needed and what I wanted and I was so scared that they would refuse me. They didn’t.

Leading up to the retreat was an emotional roller coaster. One day I was excited, the next I wasn’t sure I would show up. I showed up! That day in October was the first day of the rest of my life. That is the day I attended retreat. That is the day I met the most amazing people of my life. Was the first day I felt like I belonged somewhere. I felt loved. I felt heard. I felt understood. Most of all I felt hope. I finally started to feel like I could live a life and there would be meaning to it. I learned how to find my peace.

One of my therapists at retreat helped me find the best gift I never knew I needed. She taught me to meditate or have mindful experiences. For the first time in my life I was able to quiet my brain of all the chatter and focus on the feeling of the cool grass under my naked toes, the wind blowing in my hair and the sound of a gentle ripple on the pond. She helped me discover what MY peace was.

Now I’m home. I’ve completed my 12-week online course. I’m excited for my future. I actually see a future for myself. I feel empowered knowing that I am going to be okay. I’m not just going to survive, I am THRIVING. While at retreat I wanted to know what steps I needed to complete to be healed. Like there was a finish line. There is no finish line. I will always be a survivor of childhood sexual abuse. That will never change. But it no longer has a hold of me. I am in the driver seat. I have control of my life and I now have the tools to work through the hard times when I’m triggered.

I’ve found my voice. No one can take that from me. I’ve made a goal for myself to not hide my story anymore. To be the change that this world needs because 1 in 4 must change! I want to empower people to get the help that they deserve because no one deserves to suffer silently anymore. I know that you, struggling in the dark all alone, you are strong, beautiful and enough. You just don’t see it yet. Don’t be afraid to ask for help. It will have been the best thing you’ve ever asked for in your life. You are worth it.

-Tonya, Survivor

This is my story…

I was raised in a house with 7 siblings. My mother and father divorced when I was probably 2. My father was hardly ever in my life and my mother was always there for me. My mother remarried and had 1 more child. She eventually found her high school sweetheart she had searched for, for many years. We were a happy family with him and he was so amazing and treated us as if we were his own.

One day the summer that I turned 12 years old my stepfather who I call dad had gotten into an accident. While he was in recovery and I went to see him, our family friend was there who I called my uncle. My uncle had taken me for a drive, but it got scary when the drive led to the middle of nowhere. Somewhere where nobody could see or hear us.

This man raped me. I didn’t know what to do and I was scared to tell anyone. He took me back to my parents at the hospital and made me wear his coat, which made me feel so much worse. I had his smell on me which made me want to cry because I honestly didn’t even understand at that time what happened.

I told nobody. I felt so hurt and disgusting, I just stayed in my room most of the time. I told my mother about 2 years after it happened and I knew there was nothing we could do at that point besides stay away from him and never talk to him again.

I looked at myself in the mirror and complimented myself every day to feel better about myself. I told myself I am strong and I will get through this! I did! I built myself up. It took a while but I stayed strong. Then I finally grew up and I finally met the man of my dreams who was always there for me and proved to me that not every man is the same! My fiancé and I have 2 beautiful children and I couldn’t be any happier because I did not let it break me! I did not let it keep me from being happy and I found where I am safe and where I belong.

Don’t give up, never give up. Life is short and don’t be afraid to speak up. You will be heard! You can help others by sharing your story too.

-Chas, Survivor

For anyone else that is seeing all these shared stories and thinking, “wow, these women are so brave…” I wanted that too. Even as I write and plan to share myself, I don’t FEEL brave or strong as some of these women I see – but it is because of one of them having the courage to share their experience with the Saprea Retreat that I found out about it and so I feel compelled to breach my comfort levels in hopes that it would encourage even one person like me.

I was drawn to the ideas of healing at the retreat but then, doubted, thinking: “it’s not for me, I don’t need this, it’s been too long, I should be ‘over it,’ does it really affect my life that much?” I wanted to find women like me, to have someone to relate to, but had rarely been able to put into words what happened to me. My brain tried to fool me into thinking that if I didn’t talk about it, it would be a distant thing from me, but my body knew the truth. My first abuse experience was 20 years ago, but it happened again, and that’s what really broke me. When my health started failing with paralyzing migraines and 3 types of primary cancers in the past 2 years, I also started having nightmares and flashbacks of the experiences I didn’t want to believe were part of my life any more. As it got worse, my husband encouraged me to go to the retreat and what’s more – a friend paid for my flight.

I never considered myself someone who struggles with anxiety or panic attacks – but I experienced that leading up to the retreat. Scared to go into the unknown, to remember things I had pushed out of my mind for so long, to face other people knowing my biggest “secret”. Oh man, it was the hardest and best thing I ever did sticking with the steps to get into that retreat. Through the activities and group therapy I connected with these women in less than 4 days! I also learned a LOT about my brain versus my body and how ignoring the trauma was NOT helping my healing or fighting with cancer.

I learned that there are things in life that can “trigger” flashbacks or memories of the experience; this is SO important to learn about yourself. I am even more impressed by the genuine caring nature of Saprea staff and that they have continued methods to help you heal after you leave the retreat. Everyone there created a sense of community, even felt like a family. They’ve renewed a determination in me to heal and not to change everything about myself, but to want to know and accept myself. I want more than anything to be a strong & courageous example for my 5 children and it starts with seeing myself with the unconditional love they have for me.

I’ve since been able to face my fears and find my voice, learning assertive communication was a great tool for me as I finally was able to talk to my family about it so that they can support my growth. This is indeed HARD STUFF to walk through – but we have to stop letting fear of making the wrong choices stop us. There are no wrong choices, just the opportunities to learn from them or thrive when you make the best ones. Most importantly, read these stories and know that if you decided to go to retreat or just to share your own, there is power in revelation and YANA -You Are Not Alone.

-Amber, Survivor-