I am a survivor! I was abused at a very young age for years at a time. Growing up I was not aware of this because my brain chose to block out the memories to protect me. These locked memories and feelings manifested themselves into multiple identities.

At 22, I started to have serious symptoms; such as black outs, time loss, and my family started to see my identities come out. I was a young single mom at the time, and this was a terrifying experience. I was determined to find out the problem and the cause of it. I was then diagnosed with Dissociative Identity Disorder.

Due to my trauma my mind created six versions of myself to cope with the tragedy and the life I was not able to handle. I then began extensive therapy and the memories of my rape at 17 and my four years of childhood sexual abuse came back like a raging flood.

After two stays at a wonderful mental health rehab in California, and extensive full-time self-discovery work, group therapy, and one-on-one therapy; I was able to start to maintain a productive, independent life again.

In the past six years I have raised a beautiful son, and discovered terrifying things about my past, healed, learned to feel, love myself, love others, and love life. I still struggle with PTSD and bipolar disorder, but due to hard work and determination my multiple identities have been integrated into one person.

This is the first time I have ever shared my story. I hope that others will be inspired or be able to relate to my story. I am so happy to be living this beautiful life regardless of the tragic things I have been through. My abuser damaged so many parts of me and stole years of my life, so now I refuse to lay down. I will stand up; I will make the most of every minute and every day.

I will fight for myself and my life. I will thrive and enjoy the beauty of this life. I hope that others are able to do the same!

-Samantha, Survivor

I was sexually abused as a child. I carried it around with me as “my dirty little secret” for 45 years.

I always felt as though I was worthless, unlovable, dirty, and had zero self-esteem.

I found at Saprea Retreat that I was so much more than my dirty little secret. I have begun a beautiful healing. For the first time in my life I feel that I am a strong, powerful, amazing woman that has so much to give. I will be forever grateful for the amazing opportunity Saprea has given to me. I can never repay the gift they have given to me. It was truly a life changing experience! Thank you to everyone that played a part of my healing journey!

-Cindy, Survivor

My story starts around the age of eight. I was sexually abused by a family member. Someone that I had thought loved me because of his gentle words and the kindness he had shown me. He manipulated me and groomed me into thinking that all the wrongful things he taught me were okay to do. Somehow, I thought that what we were doing wasn’t normal so, I told my mom and the wife of the man who molested me. It was swept under the rug and was forgotten.

I grew up confused, rebellious, and felt so numb. I didn’t know what was right from wrong anymore. It wasn’t until he sexually abused me again when I turned eighteen. Although it was another traumatic story written in the book, it was a relief to know that all those years of suffering, was because of a predator. During those ten years, I’ve thought that I was delusional. All the flashbacks and sudden memories from my childhood of him were not a lie. After he had been exposed to my family, I’ve lost many family members in my life. But, then again, now I know who are the family members that are truly there for me and love me.

It took me some time to find myself. I had to look at it as if I was starting over at the age of eight. I began writing poems to help express myself. It didn’t take me that long to start sharing them with family and friends then eventually the internet. I want to be able to be a standing advocate for those that are silent, for those that are carrying that burden, and for that little eight-year-old girl.

I’d like to share the very first poem that I wrote. This is a part of me that I’ve hidden for so many years. To the survivors that are reading this, I hope this poem uplifts you. I hope you feel a connection and recognize that you are not alone.

-Charissa, Survivor

My abuse occurred when I was 13 and 14 years old by two different men. I knew immediately that I would have to remain silent, as one of the men was a family member. I didn’t want to risk the shame and feared the pain my family would experience if I spoke out, so I kept it contained, telling myself that once he was dead, I’d be free to speak. For 40 years, I told myself I was fine, that it was nothing, being thankful that the abuse was short-lived. There are so many women who have it much worse than I, why should I complain? His death came in 2017, and the only tears I shed were from the fear of knowing that I was now free to speak. After I shared by abuse with a family member, she told me of something I’d said to her when I was a very young girl about him touching me. How could this be…how could he have done this to a little girl…how could he have not been stopped?

Even a year after his death, I continued to keep the shame, embarrassment, feelings of loneliness and low self-worth to myself. For over 40 years I wore the mask and was the perfect victim; the person that would keep the secrets…to protect them, to protect my family, and, more importantly, to protect myself! I thought I was doing fine and was “over” it, until I no longer was. The pain and secrets were slowly catching up to me and it started to affect my health.

I remember when my acupuncturist asked, “Do you have any deep-seated anger, frustration or resentment?” How did he know that? I was told that whatever it was, I needed to deal with it, or it would eventually shorten my life. I sat in the parking lot frozen with fear because I knew I would have to confront what I’d tried to hide and suppress for so many years. My heart raced the day I found out about Saprea Retreat, and I spent weeks scouring the web for every article and video I could find, finally getting up the nerve to start the application process.

The day I received the acceptance email, I knew my life would be forever changed; I knew I would have to find the courage to speak my truth. Not one to experience headaches that often, I was surprised to find myself with one as I headed to the airport on my way to Utah. I chalked it up to stress and fear about the next four days, but soon came to realize my body was speaking to me. My headache continued through the first and second day and was getting more intense as we headed offsite to group therapy. At group I was terrified and could barely speak the words of my abuse, but out they came and as I released them, my headache lessened. I realized then that this process, as painful and scary as it was, would indeed be a healing one and my past would no longer have a grip on me.

At the Saprea Retreat there was so much to learn and take in, it was almost overwhelming. Experiencing four days of being taken care of and being able to share and connect with women whose experiences were different but whose feelings and thoughts were the same was amazing; to truly understand that what I’d felt for so many years was perfectly normal, and to know that I would no longer be alone in this journey left me grateful beyond belief.

It was more difficult than I’d anticipated after returning home. It was so easy at the Saprea Retreat when I didn’t have to worry about work, school, being a mom, or a wife. The retreat was my nest of safety and security, but now it was time for growth and flight and I alone was the only one that could do that. I found a therapist I love, started EMDR therapy, and finally found the courage to tell my family. Leading up to the Saprea Retreat I’d decided I would refuse to be another statistic by continuing to keep the secrecy. I had to share the story of who I really was, and what I was finally proud of overcoming, I knew I had to share my story on social media. My heart raced and hands shook as I hit that “share” button, but I did it! I’ve heard people speak of “having a weight lifted” after sharing something important, but never really thought I’d feel that way.

I’m so blessed to feel the lightness and freedom of not having to hide anymore. I carry myself differently now; I’m more confident and outspoken. I look back on all those years of silence with love and compassion for myself and pride for what I’ve come through. I’ve learned that everyone has a right to heal from our past regardless of the length or intensity of our abuse. I’m so proud of myself for speaking my truth and acknowledging my past. It honestly scares me to think of where I’d be without Saprea Retreat. I will be eternally grateful to Saprea for this opportunity and for the beginning of my new life!

-Lea Anne, Survivor

I’m Emma and I’m 34. I was 15 when I was raped by an older man who I thought was my friend. I kept this to myself, I was so ashamed. Unfortunately, from the traumatic experience I was diagnosed at 17 with fibromyalgia, anxiety, and depression I was in a very bad place and felt so alone.

However, I finally received help! It was tough but I did it. I told my boyfriend he was my rock and we got there together! I’ve been married to him now for 17 years! We have three children. He’s my soulmate. I’m in a happy place now and so grateful I was shown Saprea.

-Emma, Survivor

Life began for me the moment my feet hit the pavement at JFK airport drop off. As I stepped out of the car to hug my husband farewell, a surge of anxiety overcame my body and I wanted to just bolt—RUN—but where to? I never felt so lost, exposed and alone in my life. Prominent quotes and life-changing lyrics from songs that had comforted me leading up to this day were swirling through my head as I hesitantly made my way through the airport like lost child. Quotes like: “Life begins at the END of your comfort zone” and boy was I far from it, and lyrics from the song Oh My Soul by Casting Crowns kept me grounded until I landed in Utah. Then, doubt began to creep back into my overwhelmed brain as my eyes searched for those women my soul would already know upon meeting. The ones that looked like, well, ME—uncertain, lost, and scared—who wore the plastered friendly smiles that send the message “I’m good, I’m fine.”

This is something I learned that many survivors learn to do flawlessly in order to remain strong and cover up a past that needed to be released, shared and heard. As I stood there looking at all the women that slowly recognized one another gravitating towards Saprea Staff, I thought Who am I kidding? because on the inside I was a mess. My walls were crumbling uncontrollably and putting on that smile all of the sudden became extremely difficult. This literally terrified me because my hidden, “under the surface” ME, was going to be exposed. In that moment I had to do something I don’t do very well….be 100% vulnerable and TRUST! At that moment I couldn’t see how courageous I was, but now I realize what courage it truly took.

This fear of “trusting” was instilled in me the day I was tricked into playing a “game” at the innocent age of 4. I needed let go of this fear once and for all. My whole life I convinced myself memories of that day would never resurface if I just believed it never happened. At 18 that all changed when I endured a sexual assault on my college campus. I sadly resorted to lying to myself again just to survive, but like a cancer it caught up with me. I began battling triggers daily. Sexual assault and abuse stories in the media, the upcoming presidential election, fears as a Mom, and attempting to explain my triggers to my husband and children were all taking a mental and physical toll on me.

During my stay at the Saprea Retreat, I took some time to absorb everything I was learning and ground myself, so I would take long walks around the beautiful property hugged safely between the mountains. As I walked, I would ask God to help me leave fear behind. One morning after I watched the sunrise, I spotted a wooden swing hanging from a low branch of a tree I had passed under. I noticed how worn it looked…like me. It was so low to the ground it didn’t have the function as most swings do…broken like me. For me it symbolized a hidden stolen and broken innocence that had worn me out for over 36 years. I envisioned myself swinging on it as high as I could, and then jumping off…leaving the broken, fearful, silent and worn little girl behind.

Saprea Retreat gave me HOPE for a brighter future. I learned that there was a bigger purpose to my pain that I had yet to fully understand. I will forever be grateful beyond measure for the compassionate staff, the life-altering education, the tears and laughter shared with some of the strongest women I will ever know (now lifelong friends), the wellness classes, the pampering, and the opportunities to ground ourselves through nature and art. For the first time it felt safe to be “seen” because the staff and attendees genuinely cared for and understood my hurting soul…my story mattered, my brokenness mattered, and my desire to make positive change was validated.

Saprea Retreat was a true test for me. I had to face the storm in the valley in order to grow my faith so that I could start the hard work of reaching the mountaintop. It was in this moment of testing at the Saprea Retreat that my character and true self was being developed and my pain was being turned into purpose. From all of this, I have gained so much wisdom. I WAS fearful and tormented in shame, but with newfound wisdom I AM confident and empowered, and I WILL never again be silent, but will FIGHT and THRIVE for those that have yet to break their silence.

-Stacey, Survivor

I am a victim of child sexual abuse and have been for over 40 years!

I tried to find help to heal and was unsuccessful until I discovered the Saprea Retreat!

Since my visit to the retreat I have learned that I’m strong, beautiful, and truly loved by many and hope that my life will now be moving in a positive direction!

-Angelique, Survivor

I had gotten extremely good at hiding my trauma and avoiding it, but it was coming up more frequently when I became a mother to my daughters. It was affecting my personal relationships, my intimate relationship with my husband, my performance at work, and my children.

Going to the Saprea Retreat was a life-changing experience for me. I was given tools to help learn to cope with my trauma. I created a sisterhood with women who truly understand and have become family to me since attending the retreat two years ago. I learned that I am a warrior and a survivor, not a victim. I am a better mother, sister, daughter, wife, and person because of this experience.

-Heather, Survivor

Around the ages of 6 to 8 I lived in a domestic and sexually abusive environment. For 10 years I was in silence, partly from my own brain blocking out memories for my survival, and partly me being terrified to speak my mind. I was truly blessed that my university offers free counseling services and one day I decided that my existence could be better than it currently was and that I no longer had to be silent.

I spent so many years normalizing my own depression, anxiety, and PTSD symptoms for the sake of keeping this mask of being a successful individual without baggage. At the age of 18 I made the greatest decision of my life to ask for help. I started individual and group therapy, both very beneficial to me in different ways. Individual therapy gave me a space to share things I never shared before and to understand the intricacies of the trauma response. Group therapy gave me forever friends and a support system that understands me completely.

Along with these professional settings of healing I found my own comfort in yoga, journaling, and expressing my emotions in my art. Throughout my healing it has gotten worse before it has gotten better and there have been times of deep frustration. However, I’ll never regret my choice to start this process and owe the beautiful life I have to all these activities I choose to foster my personal growth.

Though my court case could always be opened, I have found my justice in proudly owning my title as a survivor along with being a full-time student, volunteer, and future physician and by supporting my community of survivors in whatever way I can. My hope to any survivor reading this is that you find whatever form of justice brings your soul to peace, that you don’t feel alone, that you recognize that healing is a process that doesn’t have a set time frame, you have the deepest compassion towards yourself, and that you know there are people in this world waiting to support you and believe you.

-Alyssa, Survivor

The weight of my abuse and all things related had grown to crush me. I was not living. I was simply surviving. I had nothing left of myself. I heard about the Saprea Retreat from a friend who was also a survivor. One year later I finally rounded the courage to apply.

Freaking out is an understatement when describing how I felt on my journey to Utah. Alone. In the middle of nowhere with no familiarity, not knowing anyone, and about to embark on the single hardest adventure of my life. Yeah. I was freaking out.

Single-handedly the best decision I’d ever made.

Not only did I meet some of the most amazing women I know, but I had my breaking moment there. Since I finally broke, I could finally begin to heal (kintsugi). In one of our classes one learning point came about “Secrets breed shame.” Lightning cracked through me. I’d shattered. You see I’d vowed never to tell my mother of my abuse, because I knew that my SECRET would kill her. Keeping this secret for all these years was breeding all the shame that had suffocated me so.

The Saprea Retreat and all I gained from it gave me the knowledge and the courage I needed to release my demon and share my secret. The release. The freedom. The liberation that came after disclosing my trauma to my mother is unlike anything I’ve ever known. I have cleared all the dead and dying and have been able to make room to cultivate life and living within myself.

You are not alone, and this is where your story changes.

-Tara, Survivor