It happened when I was in a relationship with this guy my senior year of high school. He never seemed the type to do those kinds of things, he seemed like a super nice guy. But he was just really good at pretending in front of others. The relationship was not just verbally and physically abusive but sexually abusive as well. He took complete control of my life during those four months, to the point my weight dropped to 89 pounds.

I have never told my family because I have been ashamed, but I am trying to move passed that and I am hoping sharing my story with fellow survivors will help me do that. I am not that same naive girl anymore. Because of what my ex did but I am stronger in ways. I know so much more about myself thanks to the healing process and my best friend being by my side.

-Sam, Survivor

I’ve been contemplating how to say this and what to write. so here goes:

I filled out an application to the Saprea Retreat, used a lot of courage, stared fear in the eyes, and changed my life forever. When this whole thing started, I was already running on little-to-no sleep between the worry, sleepless nights, anxiety, thoughts, and fears racing in and out of my mind. I was already on the plane, so it wasn’t like there was a chance to turn around now. I was determined at this point—terrified to death—but determined, nonetheless.

When the plane wheels hit that runway, I panicked. It suddenly became real, and the emotions hit me like a freight train. It suddenly got very hot on the plane and I became nauseous (as if traveling doesn’t make me nauseous enough as it is). I walked off of the airplane and took a very deep breath and said to myself “You can do this! You got this, girl!” I was petrified of what the next 4 days would hold.

I was going to be in a place where I had never been and surrounded by people that I had never met. I didn’t want to do it. Plain and simple. But I pushed on. I figured that, if nothing else, I could just go ahead and get it over with and go back home. What I learned was not only a surprise to me but a true gift and a blessing.

I came not knowing a soul there and terrified of everything. And I left with a huge family of strong, courageous, wonderful sisters that I felt like I had known my whole life! I lost so much as a child; we all did. And now I gained so much. I was nestled in this gorgeous place where I was around so many strangers and in a strange place, but I had never felt more safe and cared for.

Going to this retreat was the best decision I’ve ever made in my life! It was the hardest, bravest, toughest, most rewarding, empowering, uplifting, validating thing I’ve ever done in my life! To the people who work for Saprea and made this amazing retreat come to life for all of us who attended, I want to say, on behalf of me and all of my new sisters…THANK YOU!

Thank you for keeping us on the same level as you and not treating us as if we were these broken, fragile pieces of glass. Thank you for not giving us pity or making us feel as if we were any less worthy than you. Thank you for giving us your time, care, genuine love, and affection. Anyone can offer a beautiful place to stay and amenities; but it takes someone with a special heart and lots of love to give to make sure that everyone involved feels welcomed, cared about and SAFE!

-Allyson, Survivor

I was 5 years old, surrounded by a loving family who loved God and loved people. I can still remember the dress that my Mom dressed me in on that Sunday morning. It was a yellow dress with frills and ruffles. My hair done in perfect braids adorned with yellow barrettes. On this particular Sunday, at the beginning of the church service, I had to go to the bathroom.

I made my way down the stairs to the bathroom, upon exiting I found myself being abruptly picked up and pushed up against the wall. Confused & disoriented, I finally realized that I was being held by a young man that apparently followed me and waited for me. He proceeded to pull my dress up. I remember the lace that was sown around the trim of my dress. I was left feeling scared and confused. He continued to molest me for some time after that day, which started to seem like it was a regular part of life.

During that time, I kept what was happening a secret, as I was afraid I would be judged. Soon came more young men that began to molest me. I started to think that there was a stamp on my forehead that said: “Touch Her.”

I was molested until the age of 11 years old. The years that followed, I carried the guilt of that pain. I didn’t love who I saw in the mirror, and I blamed myself for what happened to me. I started to have low self-esteem, I cried a lot, and I believed I wasn’t good enough.

For years I blamed myself and believed I was the cause of the trauma that happened to me. But why do we do this to ourselves? Why do we blame the victim? Now with the #MeToo movement and with #timesup at the forefront women and men are coming forth with stories of trauma and sexual abuse. But why do we then point fingers at them for not telling what happened to them until years later? Why do we shame them?

-La-Anna, Survivor

I was feeling like I was watching my life from the outside. I was lost. Confused. Frustrated. Helpless.

Then I went to a conference and heard a friend speak about her journey and it opened my eyes to what I needed. The Saprea Retreat.

A year later… yes, a year. I messaged her. Only the third person to know. And I emptied my heart. And within an hour applied to the Saprea Retreat.

When I was notified it was my turn, I took my husband on the porch and opened up to him. Then, the following days, my siblings.

It wasn’t until after the retreat that I told my mom.

Speaking the words are hard.

Facing the truth is freeing.

The staff understands and is so incredible.

The women at the retreat are like me. And we are a tribe. We have an unbreakable bond. And I will never forget them.

I feel like I have been saved from myself.

And now I can help save others.

-Caitlin, Survivor

No words are able to describe the impact that Saprea has made on my life. Since my abuse, I have struggled with my ability to feel and connect with my emotions. To cope with my pain, I had separated my life into the “before” and the “after.” I never felt that I could be whole again. Having the opportunity to meet other women who understand my struggles was life-changing for me. Along with them and Saprea staff, I was able to, for the first time, talk candidly about my emotions and pain without an overwhelming feeling of pity. Since I first started sharing my abuse, I felt that people who heard my story were always trying to find ways to help by “fixing” me. The women at the Saprea Retreat embraced me and did not try to fix my pain but accepted and loved me along with every piece of my trauma. I started to get the feeling that I was a whole person, validated in my pain, but embraced for every part of me.

For people who are wondering if they should take this step and attend, please do. Waiting for life to give you an optimal time to work on yourself will never come. It is a leap of faith for yourself and for that little girl. You owe it to yourself, and to her, to be able to reconnect with yourself fully and meet people who will only build you up. I know that every woman who has experienced the Saprea Retreat has left changed and their relationships altered for the better. I now have a strong group of sisters surrounding me and encouraging me through the good and bad seasons of life and you deserve that. That little girl deserves it too.

-Emma, Survivor

The first time I was abused was when I was about 8. A relative I had trusted had violated me. He didn’t threaten to hurt me or my family but had told me that nobody would believe me. And I bought it. I kept my silence until I was 18.

I had disclosed my abuse in a diary and intentionally left it around where my mom would find it later. She didn’t. Eventually I was able to disclose my abuse to people I trusted throughout the years, and every single time I did I felt a little stronger because I knew I was a survivor. But the victory was short-lived because the tears and self-loathing still came through.

At age 20, I got involved with a man who talked me down and did things I had said no to but did anyway. I never said or did anything because I thought nobody would believe me anyway. The echoes of my past continued to follow me. At age 26, I was introduced to Judo and Brazilian Jiujitsu. I didn’t enjoy it at first because having random people hold you down and roll around the mats made me uncomfortable. Eventually I had made a good handful of friends that made me feel at ease and I was able to enjoy the sport without worry.

Shortly through this journey, I became a victim again. This time I was able to get away. I didn’t freeze like I did the first two times I had been abused, but I still beat myself up for not seeing the signs, whatever they were. I had hated the person on the other side of the mirror. I couldn’t even look myself in the eye. I was disgusted by myself. How did I fall victim multiple times by different people? I felt like I’d become a magnet. Do these men see something in me that makes me easy to be preyed on? I had no self-worth.

I had been following the Instagram of Saprea for a while and I’d been reading stories of fellow survivors and had always wanted to share my story, but that voice continued to echo inside my head, “Who would believe you?”

It wasn’t until a week ago when I was a part of a Women’s Self-Defense Seminar where a woman had asked a question to the hosts of the event and no one seemed to understand what she was asking. I saw her struggle to speak, saw the anguish in her face, heard the tremble in her voice. I knew what she was getting at but no one else seemed to know. Then she came out with it and said she’d been abused. And she continued on by asking what she could’ve done to prevent the events from happening. She started blaming herself.

I saw myself in her. That day was the first time I had ever told a room full of people that I, too, had been abused. They weren’t people I knew. They were mostly strangers. And the only reason I spoke out was because I wanted her to stop blaming herself and stop loathing the person on the other side of her mirror. It was not her fault, like it wasn’t mine. She became my strength.

I’ve learned that the healing process is not a one-time thing but something that’s continuous, and that I don’t have to go through this journey alone. It may have taken me close to three decades to break my silence, but I will no longer allow the ghosts of my past to haunt and define me. I define me.

-Katherina, Survivor

I grew up in Western NY with my family members of two brothers and one sister. We were homeschooled by my mom while my dad worked outside of the home and provided for the family.

My mom had a younger brother that was always in and out of trouble that started staying with us from time to time. Over a period of about four years, from the age of about 9 to just before my 13th birthday, I was sexually abused and raped by my mother’s brother.

When I finally told what happened, thankfully I was believed. He went to prison for a few years. I struggled here and there, but to be completely honest, I didn’t quite understand the gravity of the situation of what had happened. I went on a mission trip to India when I was 15 for three weeks and it was there that I acknowledged that something had happened to me. Not much changed during my teen years.

My life has always revolved around horses, they have always been my passion. I was never allowed any boyfriends. I did, however, get a job on a local dairy farm where I milked cows and fed calves for nearly four years. I was also subjected to verbal and physical sexual harassment, but I continued to work there because I loved the job, I was out of the house, and I was told I was the best milker there. So I toughed it out and never said a word.

When I was 17, I dropped out of high school and moved out to get a job as a farm manager on a high-end horse farm. Shortly after, I ended up pregnant, (intentionally!) and my fiancé and I welcomed our first daughter in the spring of 2010, with our son and marriage to follow in the fall of 2011, followed by the birth of our second daughter in January 2015.

And that’s when I crashed.

Just a couple weeks before the birth of our daughter the bombshell dropped. My mom came over one December evening, unannounced, to talk. I knew something was wrong. And something was very wrong. More than ten years later, her brother did it again. The girl was only 10 years old. My husband went to all of the court proceedings that summer. All he got was a slap on the wrist, just under 5 years for 2 counts of rape.

Since then, I have allowed my life to be a mess. Everything I was able to stuff down as a child had surfaced because of what happened to that girl. I know it’s not my burden to bear, but I carry the responsibility of what happened to her.

Because of what happened, our marriage was on the rocks. I completely shut down, in survival mode. There was so much hurt and bitterness between the two of us. We went to a retreat called Love Worth Fighting For a couple years ago and it was there I decided that my marriage was worth fighting for. A few months prior, my husband had told me about a women’s retreat in Utah for sexually abused women that he thought I should go to, but I was dead set against it. But something that night changed, and I decided that my marriage was with fighting for. So, a little over a year ago, I went to Utah to the Saprea Retreat. It was there that I found my voice. I came home and put myself into the counseling that I so desperately needed.

And things are getting better. They aren’t perfect, but better. I am so blessed to have a husband who truly cares and tries so hard to understand what it is like for a survivor. I have learned throughout this crazy journey of mine that God allows things to happen for a reason. No matter how horrible they are. I may not always like it, but I can either accept it, or fight it, and fighting sure wasn’t working for me.

I am now proud of who I am, and proud to speak out and use my voice. I feel that what I went through as a child gives me an understanding to those who hurt deep inside. And I want to use my voice to help heal them. I am proud of my work with horses and our training business, but not only that, we are also working with veterans and wild horses, mustangs to be exact, and they are healing each other. I can see myself in them and I can see so clearly at times why God allowed some of the things in my life to happen, so that I can have empathy, compassion, and clear understanding on the emotions and feelings that these veterans and horses have.

Becoming a victim is not a choice. Becoming a survivor, and even thriving, is. Everything you want is on the other side of fear. Our job is not to deny our story, but to defy the ending and to rise strong, recognize our story and to seek the truth until we get to a place where we think that yes, this did happen. Healing is a process and growth is a lifetime thing. This is my truth. And I will choose how my story will end. I am not what happened to me, I am a warrior! I am a victorious woman and soar higher than ever before! I will journey on and never, ever give up.

Words cannot express how grateful I am for Saprea and the entire army it takes to fight this fight. You gave me my voice, and I will forever continue to rise by lifting others up, and I will never be silenced again! Thank you!

-Emma, Survivor

I wanted to share my story. I was molested at a teenager by a family member for several years. I never told a soul about the ordeal and I felt so violated. One day a friend of mine went to school authorities; that same family member was molesting her as well. That started the journey of this family member being held in court and served a short sentence. This whole ordeal caused emotional turmoil within my family. My mother did not even believe me which hurt more than anything. Eventually I graduated and went to college, married, and started a family. It wasn’t until my daughter was born that I finally started therapy for the past trauma. I have been able to move on with my life. Saprea hold a place in my heart. I want to be able to help other women who were victims of sexual abuse.

-Jennifer, Survivor

I attended the Saprea Retreat March 2018. I walked in a scared little girl; I walked out with hope!

My breakthrough was kintsugi. I had to break something so perfect and learn to love it all over again. That was hard! There were three main breaks to that bowl that resembled me…I now look at that bowl and love every single part!

I’m now starting to love myself, my confidence has soared!

I’m now the mummy my children so desperately craved, the wife my husband has always seen, yet I failed to be until recently.

Thank you so much for giving me to opportunity to re-find my hope.

-Sara, Survivor

The sleepless nights, the tears shed, the resentment held, and the unanswered questions. This is totally what years of my life consisted of. The memories I shared told a troubling story of a young girl at the age of three becoming a victim of sexual abuse that lasted for more than seven years. The violence in the home also made me a victim of physical, mental, and emotional abuse. Even after my mother shot and paralyzed my father out of self-defense the abuse continued.

As a teen I was rebellious, hateful and depressed. I had been placed in a group home because of my attitude I constantly questioned why I was born to a family that was so dysfunctional. After many failed attempts to end my pain, I felt running away would be the next best thing…. Leaving it all behind, so I thought! Not long after leaving I was found I was placed in foster homes.

It wasn’t until I was in my 20s that I decided I was no longer going to let the ones who had caused so much pain in my childhood continue to cause any pain in my adulthood. I was no longer going to be a victim! I was a victor, a survivor! Forgiveness cut that tie that gave my abusers control over me.

The past has made me who I am today. I am a survivor, foster mother, adoptive mother, author, motivational speaker, and a life coach. My journey is what I make it. My journey has changed because I chose to find healing in the hurt; I chose to find purpose through my pain.

I live to help others find purpose, those who have been victims I encourage them to become victorious and never allow the ones who once held them down to become a stumbling block to the future!

Be strong, be blessed, and believe in who you are meant to be.

-Dawn, Survivor