Kintsugi is the Japanese art of repairing broken pottery with gold lacquer, you can repair your past trauma in the same way

Kintsugi: The Value of a Broken Bowl

I am kintsugi.Linda, past participant at the Saprea Retreat

The Legend of Kintsugi

A Japanese legend tells the story of a mighty shogun warrior who broke his favorite tea bowl and sent it away for repairs. When he received it back, the bowl was held together by unsightly metal staples. Although he could still use it, the shogun was disappointed. Still hoping to restore his beloved bowl to its former beauty, he asked a craftsman to find a more elegant solution. 

The craftsman wanted to try a new technique, something that would add to the beauty of the bowl as well as repair it. So, he mended every crack in the bowl with a lacquer resin mixed with gold. When the tea bowl was returned to the shogun, there were streaks of gold running through it, telling its story, and—the warrior thought—adding to its value and beauty. This method of repair became known as kintsugi. 

Kintsugi, which roughly translates to “golden joinery,” is the Japanese philosophy that the value of an object is not in its beauty, but in its imperfections, and that these imperfections are something to celebrate, not hide.

For a beautiful illustration of kintsugi, watch the video below:  

Just like the kintsugi bowl, I am being restored.Janet, past participant at the Saprea Retreat

Kintsugi and You

That’s a nice story, you may be thinking, but what does it have to do with me? Imagine that your life is like a ceramic bowl. When good things happen, it’s like the bowl is being polished. And when bad things happen, it’s like the bowl is being dinged or scratched. Something like child sexual abuse could create significant cracks. The resulting trauma may even have left you feeling that your bowl had been broken into pieces. You repaired it as best you could, and, like the metal staples, maybe the ways you coped allowed you to be functional, but not utilizing your full potential. With kintsugi, every step you make toward healing is like gluing those pieces back together with gold. You feel more whole and complete.

Although the trauma in your past cannot be changed, it can be managed in ways where it no longer dominates your life. You may carry deep wounds that need validation and healing in order for you to move forward. With proper education, tools, and support, it’s not only possible but probable that you will be able to live a positive, productive, and empowered life. As you learn about how the brain responds to the trauma of your childhood, you can begin the process of putting the broken pieces back together.

The one thing that hit home for me more than anything else was having the chance to practice kintsugi. My bowl is a constant reminder that although I was broken, I am more beautiful now than I ever was. I just need to put the pieces back in place.Siobhan, past participant at the Saprea Retreat

The Saprea Retreat and Kintsugi

When participants arrive at the Saprea Retreat, one of the first activities that they participate in is our version of kintsugi. They take a ceramic bowl and break it. Then they take the pieces and carefully glue them back together using glue mixed with gold-colored powder. It takes some patience, a little bit of practice, and the willingness to try over and over again to fit the pieces back together. This can be an incredibly impactful activity for a survivor and serves as a great way to begin or continue a healing journey.

As a metaphor, kintsugi takes on a different meaning for each survivor who participates in the activity. In some cases the bowl may represent their childhood. Others may feel that the pieces represent their broken trust. The ways kintsugi can apply to your healing journey is as individual as each survivor. Take this opportunity to think about what the metaphor of kintsugi can mean for you and where you currently are in your healing journey.

The activity that put a lot into perspective for me was the kintsugi project. It showed me that what was once broken can be mended and become something even more beautiful.Stephanie, past participant at the Saprea Retreat

Your Real-Life Kintsugi

Here at Saprea we understand that your experiences may be difficult to acknowledge or talk about because of the shame and stigma that often surrounds sexual abuse. There can be a lot of reasons to put off addressing your trauma and pursuing the healing that you deserve, but if you don’t face your past, you risk being held hostage by it.

Your wounds and healing are part of your history—a part of who you are. No matter what breaks you’ve experienced, your journey is beautiful. We don’t celebrate that you were abused, but we absolutely celebrate the wonderful person you are and will continue to become as you create your real-life version of kintsugi.

References:
The above quotations came from actual survivors on our Faces of Survivors page where survivors share the experiences of their healing journey. To submit your own survivor story, go here.

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How to Create a Vision Board for Your Future

When Heather, a survivor of child sexual abuse, first heard about vision boards she rolled her eyes. There was no way a silly little craft project could help her heal. Then a close friend threw a vision boarding party. Heather went, not expecting to get much out of it. But, in the process of the evening, she was able to talk to her friends about her goals and dreams. Through words and images she was able to solidify the ideas of hopes she had for her life.

After that party, she was hooked. Heather realized vision boards helped her heal, helped her plan for the future without her old anxieties and insecurities creeping in, and made her excited about her goals.

If you are in a place where you, like Heather, want to plan a bright and empowering future, it can help to create a vision board. Without understanding your dreams or goals, you may not have a clear idea of where you want to go, what steps you want to take, or who you want to be. You can become reactive instead of proactive.

So how can you become more proactive in planning your future? Try visualizing it. Literally.

What is a vision board?

A vision board is a collection of images that illustrate what you want your life to become. Vision boards are a great tool to help you plan out your dreams and goals. Your unconscious brain has an amazing capacity to think in pictures. So, when you plan your goals, you’re working one part of the brain; when you put those goals into images, you’re engaging another part of the brain. Suddenly you’re consciously AND unconsciously working toward your goals every day!

A great place to start when thinking about your vision board is a Future Vision Statement. This writing exercise can help you come up with solid ideas that you can then utilize on your vision board.

Does it really work?

Although there’s not a lot of scientific research on vision boarding, many people find them to be helpful, motivating, and enjoyable ways to work towards their goals. Its mere existence can’t alter your future, and a vision board certainly won’t help your dreams come true if you just hang it on your wall and stare at it for a year.

Vision boards can, however, give you a place to think through your dreams, allow you to really SEE what they could look like, and give you a daily reminder of what is important to you. To turn your vision board dreams into a reality, you also have to take action!

If that sounds like something you want and need, keep reading.

Where to put your vision board

To create your vision board, the first decision you’ll want to make is where you want the finished product to be. On a bulletin board in your bedroom? a collage in your journal? on a folder on your desk at work? as a desktop background on your computer?

You want it somewhere you’ll see it on a consistent basis. And, if you get too used to seeing it in that location, you might consider making it portable to switch things up. If your vision board feels too private to share with others, keep it in a place that feels safe to you. If you want it to be a conversation piece so you can talk about your dreams and goals with others, put it someplace a lot of people will see!

5 Steps to Create Your Vision Board

01
GATHER IMAGES
Find images that literally or figuratively embody what you want. If you want to grow a better relationship with someone, you can put a potted plant to represent that growth. Or you might put an image of the two of you together. There are no rules for what you should or shouldn’t put.
02
PUT THEM TOGETHER
Do you want it to look like a collage with no white space? Do you want images that are all the same shape and size? Spend time organizing the images in a way that feels the most comfortable for you. When you look at your vision board you want to feel inspired, not critical of your image placement.
03
PUT THE DATE ON IT
If creating vision boards resonates with you, then you may find yourself creating them more often. Putting the date, even just the month and year, on each one will help you see how your dreams have changed, how you’ve accomplished your goals, or the ways you’ve grown over time.
04
PUT IT WHERE YOU'LL SEE IT
As stated above, you’ll hopefully have kept this in mind as you were working on it. Now is the time to hang it up or put the file on your computer.
05
DON'T STOP THERE
You can create a vision board for any aspect of your life. You can have multiple vision boards, or you can create a new one anytime you feel the need. While having a vision board can be a powerful step in the right direction, it’s not going to accomplish your dreams. Only YOU can do that. So, take the inspiration and motivation you get from your vision board and make that beautiful future come true!

Be Like Heather

Despite her skepticism, Heather found that the process of creating a vision board left her feeling motivated and empowered. She hung her first vision board next to her computer and looked at it every day while she worked. On the days when her goals were feeling unrealistic or out of reach, she would look at her vision board and remember the excitement she felt when she made it. It continued to motivate her to do her best work every day.

As you create your own vision board, remember to be gentle with yourself. You may hear a little voice in your head telling you what you’re hoping for is impossible, you don’t deserve it, or it will never happen. Don’t listen to that voice. You deserve to have a bright and beautiful future–and your vision board can remind you of that.

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Embrace the Truth that You are Intended for Greatness: A Message from Shelaine Maxfield

Guest blog post written by Shelaine Maxfield, Board Chair and President of The Younique Foundation

Each of us is on a journey of self-discovery, and each of us has an incredible purpose to fulfill. That specific purpose looks different for everyone, and that’s okay. I was unaware of my potential as a child and young adult. It wasn’t until I was in my mid to late twenties that I realized I had wasted my life living below that potential.

For a long time, I didn’t know that I had a purpose or potential to live up to. I grew up in a small town, I didn’t develop or discover any talents in my childhood, and I don’t have a college degree. These things are true about me, but they are what I call my “wrong truths.” I realized that I was living my life based on the understanding and the belief that I was a nobody from nowhere.

I had to take a good look at my life and do a lot of soul-searching to figure out what was right with me, what I had to offer, and what I could contribute to society. After some time, I came to the conclusion that I have a big heart. I have a willingness to help and a desire to be a blessing in the lives of those around me.

These things might not look very impressive on a résumé, but they are exactly what I need to live my life with purpose. Looking back, I can see that I had opportunities to do more good than I did. I was stuck in the mentality that somehow my ability to achieve success was inhibited by and dependent upon how others might react to me. I allowed my insecurities to get in the way of doing good. I was so busy seeing the barricades that I failed to notice the pathways. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve come to accept that yes, what people say about me still has the potential to hurt my feelings, but negative perceptions or comments cannot affect my ability to rise above them unless I allow them to.

I asked myself a simple question, and my perspective on my life changed. For me, it didn’t happen in one big “ah-ha” moment. It didn’t happen overnight. And while I can tie this perspective shift back to a certain time of my life, it’s been a series of seemingly insignificant events. The shift has happened for me gradually, and, honestly, it’s still happening. But I think when it comes right down to it, I simply caught hold of the thought, “What if?”

What if I was intended for more than just getting through each day? What if I’m supposed to be doing something important with my life? What if I’m not living up to God’s plan for me? And then I let those thoughts sink in deeply. Those thoughts sunk so deeply that they landed on a reservoir of potential that I didn’t even know was there. I let those thoughts evolve, and I allowed them to start influencing the choices I made, sometimes big choices, but mostly the little everyday choices. Gradually, I also learned to recognize those regularly occurring negative thoughts for what they were: progress preventers.

I was allowing those negative thoughts and those wrong truths to dictate who I was and who I would become. Then I thought: what would happen if I embraced the things that were right with me? What if I let those things determine the path of my life instead? If thoughts had the power to lead me on a path that I didn’t want to stay on, then what would happen if I let them lead me to where I’d rather be? We have to choose where our energy and our time are best spent. We have to maximize the effort we give and only give it to the things that matter the most to us. We may need to give up some things, but most things just need to be reassessed, restructured, organized and then given 100% of our focus during the time that we have set aside for them.

We have to choose where our energy and our time are best spent. We have to maximize the effort we give and only give it to the things that matter the most to us. Shelaine Maxfield, Board Chair and President

My life is what it is today because I asked myself over a decade and a half ago, “What if?” What if I could become all the things that I admire in other people? What if I let go of the negativity and immersed myself in positive things instead? Then, instead of telling myself I couldn’t change and grow, I grabbed hold of my aspirations and they have become a metamorphosis for me. I want all of you to experience this kind of transformation in your own lives. I hope that something I have shared opens your eyes and your hearts to the truth that there is incredible power within each of you. We don’t need to look to the world to find out who we are intended to be. That amazing version of ourselves that we hope to become someday has been right here inside of us all along, just waiting to be discovered.

Embrace the truth that there is incredible power within you. Embrace the truth that you are intended for greatness – I know that you are. Kick your journey of self-discovery into high gear and discover who you are intended to be by taking something away, just one thing: negativity. Start by recognizing it in its many forms and then respond by saying, “There is no room for negativity here.” When we remove the negativity from our lives, we make room for the goodness that life has to offer. We open our hearts to discovering our purpose, and we uncover the incredible goodness that is within us. We allow ourselves to truly become what we are intended to be.

Guest blog written by Shelaine Maxfield

Shelaine Maxfield

Shelaine Maxfield, President and Board Chair of The Younique Foundation, is a wife and mother who loves spending time with her family. She enjoys traveling and learning about other cultures and hopes to see as much of the world as possible in her lifetime. She is currently learning Portuguese in her spare time and hopes to become a linguist someday. Shelaine strives to be a positive influence for good in the lives of all those she interacts with and believes that we, as individuals, have the power within each of us to change the world.

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How Time Magazine’s Person of the Year is Shifting the Story

Every year Time magazine chooses a Person of the Year. Someone who was significant in the events of that year, whether positive or negative. This year instead of just one person, they chose to highlight the women and men who spoke up about their sexual abuse, sexual harassment, or sexual assault, including the woman who created the #MeToo campaign.

The Time magazine cover choice marks an amazing shift away from focusing on the perpetrator to focusing on the survivor. These women and men have been shown to be strong, capable, and courageous. It’s creating a space for all survivors to tell their stories.

At The Younique Foundation, we know the power that a survivor’s story can have. In fact, we have an entire page dedicated to it called Faces of Survivors. These women have bravely shared their stories of abuse and healing. In breaking their silence, they are breaking the stigma surrounded talking about childhood sexual abuse.

If you are a survivor who is ready to share your story, we would love to hear it. If you’re a supporter who wants to help or a survivor who isn’t ready to break their silence, we have other ways that you can help, including supporting the work that we do to help educate and empower.

Time magazine’s decision to highlight the strength of the survivors will hopefully set a precedent that will continue as more women and men opened up about their experiences.  We are grateful it has shone a light on sexual abuse, taking it from something secret to something we can and should speak openly about. Let’s keep this conversation going and continue to break down the stigma around talking about it. You can heal, and we want to help you do it. You are not alone, you don’t need to feel ashamed, you are a survivor, and your story matters.

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Peace in the Present: The Gift of EMDR Therapy

Guest blog post written by Starr Hall

After the traumatic abuse I experienced stopped, I wished I could stop it from invading my present life. I was on high alert. I felt unable to stop my body from warning me of danger that I was no longer experiencing. There was a part of me that knew I had done everything in my power to progress, and another part of me that was still so afraid. What was going on? I had rebuilt my life. So why was I still fearful of my abuser? I longed to feel safe again, but I didn’t know how to make that happen. Then I heard about EMDR therapy.

When I first heard about EMDR, I wasn’t sure if it was for me. I was willing to put in the work to heal. But it sounded, well, a bit strange. I thought, “So you’re telling me that all a therapist has to do is wave their hand in the air, and that is supposed to help? You’re kidding, right?” Luckily for me, I had a trusted girlfriend that I could go to with my questions. I asked her, “Tell me about EMDR. What’s it like? Is it weird? Does it really help?” She answered all of my questions because she had been there, and now I hope I can answer some of yours.

What is EMDR?

EMDR stands for Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing. It has become a best practice in the clinical community to treat trauma. During an EMDR session, bilateral stimulation is used, usually involving the client’s eyes. The therapist holds their hand up and moves it back and forth horizontally while the client follows with their eyes. Researchers believe these eye movements imitate the body’s rapid eye movement (REM) sleep. In order to practice EMDR, the therapist must be trained to follow a step-by-step process that includes bilateral stimulation and a script.

What’s it Like?

Here’s what happens at a typical EMDR session: First, a calming, safe place is established by practicing techniques like deep breathing, guided relaxation, etc. My calming place is the ocean. I imagine myself sitting on the beach with a vast view of the ocean, my toes in the sand, the sun on my face, breathing in the fresh salty air, listening to the waves as they crash. The therapist guides the client through this. Soon the client can practice these self-care techniques on their own. After establishing a safe place, the client answers the questions the therapist asks, then engages the body in a bilateral stimulation, then answers questions again, then bilateral stimulation, and so on. EMDR allows the client to reprocess traumatic memories. The script guides the session, and the client guides the reprocessing.

Is it Weird?

EMDR may sound a bit weird, but it was not as intimidating as I expected. It’s not that different from talk therapy. It felt liberating to work through past traumatic experiences with both my mind and body.

Does it Really Help?

Yes! A resounding yes. EMDR allowed me to process past traumatic experiences in a new light. I felt completely different than I had before. Before, I felt fearful. After, I felt free. F R E E. A transformation took place within me. I had my life back. I was astounded at the healing that took place in less time than I could have anticipated. EMDR gave me the gift of separating my past from my present. This not only restored my sense of safety, it also gave me peace. If I could share this gift with every trauma survivor, I would.

You can find true healing and overcome trauma in many ways. EMDR was part of my path to healing. Trust your intuition and find what is right for you. Healing IS possible. Not only have I walked this path, I have seen others walk it, too. Strong, courageous, incredible survivors have shown their ability to find hope and healing time and time again. No matter how insurmountable it may seem, you have the power to overcome trauma and find peace in the present. I invite you to discover your own path to healing. I am cheering you on every step of the way.

Guest blog written by Starr Hall

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5 Ways to Turn Learned Helplessness into Learned Optimism

Definition of Learned Helplessness

Learned helplessness, simply speaking, is a psychological condition where someone believes that they are powerless and that nothing they do will change that. It often begins in childhood as a response to trauma. It’s common among survivors of child sexual abuse, and it can lead many to become stunted in their healing progress.

Learned Helplessness Study

Steven Maier and Martin Seligman conducted a study in the 1960s that showed learned helplessness in dogs. They placed dogs in locked cages and repeatedly shocked them. After administering many different courses of electric shock, the researchers would open the door of the cages and shock the dogs again. They expected the dogs to run out, but they didn’t. The dogs stayed and endured the shocks.

Another group of dogs was placed in cages with the doors open. When the dogs were shocked, they immediately ran away. The researchers concluded that the first group of dogs learned helplessness because nothing they did made a difference.

If the study had ended there, it would be pretty discouraging, but it didn’t. Maier and Seligman went back and helped the first dogs unlearn what they had been conditioned to do. They taught them to reclaim their power. They taught them to get out of the cage.

Learned Optimism

So what can you do to get out of the cage of learned helplessness? One way is to replace it with learned optimism. Here are a few things to try:

01
MEDITATE
This can seem intimidating, but it doesn’t need to be scary. There are a lot of different types of meditation, and there will be at least one that resonates with you. Ask around, look online, or try a website like Headspace.comto see what type of meditation you should try.
02
CHECK YOUR THOUGHTS
Notice when you’re having negative or self-defeating thoughts. Make a conscious choice to recognize them for what they are–unproductive thoughts–and choose to focus on more positive, productive thoughts. This may be difficult at first, but, like anything, will improve with practice.
03
PRACTICE GRATITUDE
When you feel like you’re trapped in a cage of helplessness, look at the things around you that you’re grateful for. Be as specific as you can. Instead of saying, “I’m grateful for my bed,” say, “I’m grateful that I have a warm place to sleep, a comfortable place to read, and a soft place to relax every night. I’m grateful that I have clean sheets and pillows that feel just right…” Feel the difference that it can make.
04
WRITE
If you’re struggling to see the good in a situation, or struggling to check your thoughts, write them down. Address what you’re thinking in writing and you’ll find clarity and calm that you didn’t know were there. Set a timer for 15 minutes and just write everything that comes into your mind. This act of freewriting will “dump” the negative thoughts and help you focus on the ones that will lead you to feeling more optimistic and less helpless.
05
TAKE ONE STEP
Does everything on this list seem overwhelming or unrealistic? Then break it down even further. Getting out of the cage of learned helplessness will not happen in one quick movement. It takes small steps. So, think of one small thing that you can do right now that will help you step away from helplessness and toward optimism. All you need to do today is take that one small step.

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Survivors and Sexual Intimacy

If you’re involved in a relationship with a sexual abuse survivor, there might be moments when you don’t know exactly how you can be most helpful in her recovery. Uncertainty about how to help is especially likely to arise when it comes to the most intimate aspects of your relationship, like sexual activity. You want to have a healthy sexual relationship with your partner, a relationship that leads to well-being and continued healing, but what does this look like?

To help understand the survivor perspective, consider that, for a survivor, her initial sexual experiences happened when she was being threatened, coerced, or manipulated. She wasn’t in a situation where she was able to fully understand what was going on and give consent. Due to these negative experiences, sex and trauma can be strongly linked in her brain. This connection isn’t something a survivor can just forget about or disregard. A supportive partner can be a key part of healing. Here are some specific things you can do to foster a healthy sexual relationship:

Focus on Intimacy, Not Just Sex

Intimacy involves deeply knowing and trusting someone. Survivors often have difficulty trusting people, especially if the perpetrator of abuse was a trusted individual like a close friend or family member. Spend time building intimacy with your partner. Focus on both physical and emotional intimacy. Build physical intimacy through activities like holding hands, giving massages, or just sitting together to watch a movie. Emotional intimacy can come from genuine conversations about feelings, hopes, dreams, and worries. Strong physical and emotional intimacy can lead to a healthier and more satisfying sexual relationship for both partners.

Recognize That Sex Can Be a Trigger

A trigger is something that sparks a memory and reminds people of a traumatic event. Triggers can make a survivor experience a flashback where she feels like abuse is happening again. Unfortunately, sex can be a trigger for many survivors. If you notice that your partner is beginning to shut down or experience anxiety during sex, it could mean that she no longer feels safe. Maybe her triggers include certain positions, sexual acts, places, or smells that you should avoid. Recognize that sex is an activity you will need to approach with care and understanding.

Communicate

One of the keys to the success of your relationship is frequent and open communication. Discuss what is acceptable and what is off-limits when it comes to sex. Your goal here isn’t to explore past trauma in graphic detail. Your goal is to establish what will make her feel safe and comfortable. A survivor might feel like she’s ready for sexual intercourse but then changes her mind. If your partner ever says she wants to stop what you’re doing, then stop. Continuing to have sex will only damage your relationship and possibly make it more difficult to be intimate in the future.

Survivors need to build trust with their sexual partners and feel like they are in charge of their sexual experiences. Focus on ways that you can make sex a safe activity that will empower the survivor in your life and strengthen our sexuality to get healthy.

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When Healing Plateaus

It is good to have an end to journey toward; but it is the journey that matters, in the end.
Ursula K. Le Guin

Think of the last time you took a long road trip. There were probably moments when everything went smoothly. You were on the freeway with a clear sky and an open road, zooming toward your destination. Chances are, there were moments that were less than ideal, too. Maybe it started to rain and you couldn’t see as far as you wanted to. Maybe you spent some time sitting in traffic totally stopped. You knew you would ultimately make it to your destination, but it didn’t feel like you were making much progress as you sat in the traffic jam.

We often refer to healing as a journey, and your journey might feel like a road trip. There are moments when everything is going well and you feel like you’re making good progress toward your goals. But there might be times when you feel like your progress has come to a stop. You just aren’t moving forward the way you want to. You’re sitting in gridlock rather than driving down the road. What can you do if you feel like your healing isn’t progressing the way you want it to? Below are three things you can try:

01
Acknowledge that it’s normal to have some moments when you stall on your healing journey.
Emotional healing is complicated and takes time. There are bound to be ups, downs, and plateaus along the way. Don’t judge yourself if you feel like you’ve hit a roadblock.
02
Spend some time reflecting on everything you’ve accomplished.
Maybe you’ve achieved the recovery goals you set, and that makes you feel like you’ve reached a plateau. Do you need to figure out a new way to challenge yourself to reach the next level of your recovery? Is there a hurdle you’ve resisted facing head-on and now you’re in a place where you can tackle it?
03
Mix up the strategies you use to address your challenges.
For example, if you always journal to work through emotional issues, try doing a physical activity instead to see if it helps you discover new insight. Incorporating variety is one way to find your way out of a rut.

It can be overwhelming to feel like you’re not progressing. Find comfort in the fact that discomfort is a normal part of the healing journey. Just as you expect some traffic and potholes when you drive, you should expect some moments of frustration on your road to recovery. Use these moments to reflect. Remember that you don’t have to resolve everything right now. Just try to find one specific thing you can do today to help yourself on your healing journey.

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5 Ways to Find Healing for Those Struggling After Attending The Haven Retreat

Many may not realize that six months after The Haven Retreat, we reach out to participants to see how they’re doing. We’ve found that while most feel that their life has improved, there’s a small number who don’t.

This blog is for you.

There could be a myriad of reasons why things haven’t improved. It may have been as simple as having a bad day when you filled out the survey, or it could be much more complex than that. Whatever it is, we hope that this blog can help you work through this and find yourself in a happier place.

With that in mind, here are five things that we think will help those of you struggling after The Haven Retreat:

01
PROFESSIONAL AND PERSONAL SUPPORT
Find a therapist you trust who can be a support for you. Start a support group. Create a support system of friends and family members who you can turn to when you need help. The women you went to retreat with can be a great source of encouragement when you’re down.
02
BE HONEST WITH YOURSELF AND OTHERS
Maybe there’s something you aren’t addressing, a roadblock on your healing journey. Perhaps there’s a relationship, a coping mechanism, or a way of thinking that is preventing you from moving forward.
03
SETBACKS CAN HAPPEN
Healing isn’t always a straight path forward. There are ups and downs, and sometimes the downs can be devastating. Don’t give up. Don’t let the downs derail your progress.
04
EMBRACE THE FAITH STRATEGY
One of the 5 Strategies to Reclaim Hope is Faith. It’s all about creating an amazing future for yourself. Sometimes you may not be able to do more than wish for something good to happen, but keep hold of that wish. Visualize the life that you want—even if you can only take one small step toward it today.
05
CHANGE ONE SMALL THING TODAY
Are you overwhelmed? Tired right down to your bones? Exhausted from fighting every day? We understand. So today don’t overwhelm yourself with goals – just pick one. If all you can do today is get out of bed and get dressed, that’s enough. Do what you can do and celebrate yourself for every single step you take.

Although you’re home from The Haven Retreat, we here at The Younique Foundation have not forgotten about you. We want to continue to help you on your healing journey. We want to lend our support. You are not alone.

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Supporting Survivors on Their Healing Journey

If someone close to you is a survivor of sexual abuse, it can be hard to know exactly how to lend your support. While it’s true that survivors have to take ownership of their recovery, you can do a lot to help. You can’t do the healing for them, but there are things you can do to make it easier for them to heal themselves.

In addition to the trauma that survivors can suffer when abuse initially happens, survivors also risk suffering new trauma when they disclose their past experiences if loved ones don’t respond in helpful and healthy ways. Gurvinder Kalra and Dinesh Bhugra point out, “Victims of sexual violence face the danger of suffering negative reactions upon disclosing their trauma.”

When a survivor opens up to you about what has happened to them, acknowledge how much courage it takes to talk about past traumatic experiences. Survivors have often kept their abuse to themselves for years. To them, it might seem easier to stay silent. Let the survivor know that you appreciate their bravery in facing memories and issues that might have happened years ago. Here are some specific things you can do to support your loved one.

Do . . .

  • Thank them for telling you.
  • Reassure them that you are there for them.
  • Validate their feelings.
  • Ask what you can do to help or support them.
  • Let them know that the abuse was not their fault.

Don’t . . .

  • Criticize, blame, shame, or judge them.
  • Excuse or minimize the abuse.
  • Demand to know details of the abuse; they’ll tell you if or when they’re ready.
  • Take control and tell them what they needs to do to heal.
  • Tell them to forget about it or just get over it.
  • Question why they didn’t tell you (or someone else) sooner.

Remember that sexual abuse can create serious problems with trust for survivors because in most situations, perpetrators are people the survivor knew and trusted. The fact that they are willing to open up to you shows that they trusts you. Work to continue to build and maintain that trust.

Your goal is to empower your loved one to make good choices that will lead to healing from past abuse. You can’t heal for them, but you can make the healing process easier.

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