During my childhood I was sexually assaulted by 3 different men. The first two assaulters during my childhood were men who were in my life temporarily. The third man became my step-father when I was 9 years old, and if he had not died in 2011, he would still be in my life. My mother remained with him even after she discovered his assault of me.

As a survivor of sexual assault, I have a passion to help others heal from their assaults. And as a sister of a rapist, I also have a passion to reach loved ones of other rapists–to help them realize the need to help their family member to face justice for their sexual assaults, and to help give justice for the victims of their loved ones.

I am thankful that I was able to heal from my childhood assaults, as well as other issues which I experienced during my early years. From this I developed a passion and mission to encourage and empower others. For over 22 years I have worked in college financial aid, and have not only been able to help thousands of students with the financial assistance to have a college education, I have also been able to have conversations with many students in which I was able to encourage them, direct them to free counseling services when needed, etc.

I believe in looking for positives in negative situations, and it has been thrilling to be able to use the negatives and pains of my past to uplift, help, and empower hundreds of people. I have happily shared important messages which I learned from my experiences, such as the fact that a person’s past does not have to dictate their future, that it is important to choose whose opinions you receive and value from others, and the value of self-encouragement. It has been empowering to use the pain of my past to help people who I encounter to find their own healing. Negatives of the past can be used for positives of the future. Being assaulted does not define us, it is what we do from that assault actually defines each of us. We can heal, we can be empowered, and we can overcome.

-Mary, Survivor

There are times in my life that stand out, things I only need to hear once to know it’s what I need. The Saprea Retreat is one of them. I didn’t procrastinate, I applied, and was accepted.

Walking into the house was scary and exciting at the same time. They took care of me; it was the first time anyone did. It was also the first time I started taking care of myself. I gave myself permission to be and listen to what I needed.

The moment that stands out the most was during the session on shame. The counselor said shame presents as anxiety. As the words sunk in, I realized I felt so much shame and my anxiety quieted. This was the gift I was given at the retreat.

I am grateful for the chance to attend the Saprea Retreat.

-Linda, Survivor

I was nine when a family friend and business associate of my parents, who was many decades my senior, started sexually abusing me. I remember getting my braces on as a child and the abuse being so prevalent during that time. All the slow boundary breaking techniques in the relationship had caused it to lack any boundaries (or understanding on my part) by this time.

The abuse spanned many, many years into my teens, and my abuser took so many of what should have been important or special times in my life, for himself.

I was programmed into believing that we were best friends and that he was “the only person who understood me” and he would find ways to treat me special and that felt good. Unfortunately, he also had times where the tables would turn, and he would be so sadistic, and it would shake me up so much.

A big turning point for me was when I was in my teens and my abuser would talk about adult topics and when I would offer my thoughts he’d say “well, you’re just a kid” and it didn’t make sense that to him I was a “kid” yet he was still doing what he was doing to me.

I feel like we survivors will never simply be able set aside the fact that we were abused. It is a trauma and it is part of us. Like a wound that we don’t want to reopen. We often keep putting a Band-aid over it, but If it doesn’t heal it will never get better.

This can cause such an incredible downward spiral and it surely did for me. Self-hatred, insecurity, anger towards the world, the ones who love you, rejection issues, or removed feelings. People often harm themselves, seek the wrong kind of attention, or even go into denial after or in dealing with abuse.

When your boundaries are broken and you are violated on this level, especially when you are too young to fully comprehend what’s going on and factoring in the betrayal of trust and often the use of power, it breaks all our views regarding goodness and protection and it cuts to our core, creating a broken inner child that lingers within us.

It took so long for me to realize that my abuser caused this, the abuser caused me to carry this burden and this pain. Sadly, I’m sure due to the grooming process, it took me a long time to really realize what was going on was abuse.

Abusers can make us question our very selves. Then very often, more often than not, they go riding off into the sunset, left to abuse others physically and emotionally while we victims retreat inside ourselves confused, shamed, and too afraid to speak out.

Coming to terms with what happened to me and then how it affected me were the first steps on a long and somewhat never-ending path to starting the healing process. I had to understand that it was not my fault and that I was just a child who should’ve been able to have trust in the adult in my life. It is unfair that we as victims take on so much shame and responsibility, considering we have NONE.

I’m so thankful to have a supportive family and network of advocates and mental health specialists to walk me through this with empathy and compassion.

I know, unfortunately, not everyone has the same supportive network, whether it be circumstance or the fact that they are suffering in silence, but, luckily, there are so many networks and specialists out there today that can help survivors through this healing journey so they don’t have to go it alone.

I first spoke publicly regarding my abuse in 2018 and it came with an inflow of both tremendous support, but also backlash and victim shaming. It’s now going to be my mission to help other survivors deal with the pain of this immense burden and to educate the public on how this happens at such staggering rates.

I am an advocate, blogger, songwriter, mother, daughter, sister, and survivor.

-Tessa, Survivor

My abuser was my middle school boyfriend. He was the son of a preacher and when I mustered up the courage to tell someone, his mother told me that it was what God wanted. I stayed as far as possible from church or any talk of religion for years. I started attending church again in Navy boot camp. During my training, I was raped again which broke down any healing I had done up to that point.

After attending the Saprea Retreat, I’m learning to love myself more every day. I’ve reconnected with my body and I have a better understanding of why I react to my triggers the way I do, as well as how to identify those triggers to live a more normal life.

I now truly believe that I am beautiful, loved, and worthy of love. This revelation has brought peace to my life.

-Blair, Survivor

When I look back on everything I’ve been through, I can now not let it affect me as much, but this wasn’t always easy. I used to look back and all I could do is wonder “Why? Why me? What is the reason for all this?” It wasn’t until years later when I saw the pain on someone else’s face, because they were facing the same questions I was; that’s when I realized the answer was simple.

I went through everything to become a survivor and to help women like me. To uplift, support, and encourage them in their dark times. I will never look back and feel sadness again because I made it out and I’m stronger than ever now. I can better help because I can understand their pain. My journey was hard and long with many dark moments and empty thoughts, but now I’m free!

All I can say is stay strong and don’t let them take more than what they have…. remember you are strong, beautiful, smart, and you deserve more!

-Chaia, Survivor

For me, I wasn’t expecting to open any new wounds at the Saprea Retreat, since I thought I had dealt with a lot of my trauma. I found out that wasn’t true on the third day.

Like many other survivors, I have dealt with the feeling of worthlessness and felt that my voice was second to others. I grew up thinking that I wasn’t pretty enough, smart enough, or just flat out not worth loving. I would constantly try to please others and make sure their needs were met above my own. My makeover session at retreat exposed the thorn that had been long rotting and blocking my healing.

Everything seemed to be going well at first during my makeover. Then came the waterworks, I thought I could just go through the photo session, but my body/mind kept telling me that I couldn’t do the pictures. I didn’t feel like me and I felt like a doll. Eventually I processed that I was automatically going into the mindset of doing what I felt others wanted from me and not what I wanted. My makeup artist helped get me to a place where I felt safe and free to be me. I was able to finally take my photos, puffy eyes and all.

Ever since that day, I have been focused on listening to what I want in my appearance, my life, and my happiness. Moral of my story, “embrace the real you and truly love yourself, not other peoples’ version of you.”

-Kim, Survivor

Being a young girl growing up in an era where not having a father was common, you tend to crave the love and attention you never had a chance of receiving. It caused me to wander in places I had no business going, seeking validation from individuals who didn’t mean well, in hopes of finding all of the things I couldn’t get from the one person I thought would be there to teach me how to love and be loved.

I suffered from depression from an early age, I felt things ten times more. I fell victim to every “I love you” and I taught myself to normalize manipulative and narcissistic behaviors and abuse. I couldn’t see love being defined any other way besides aggressiveness. I thought the amount of pain I felt was equivalent to the love each person had for me. I spent a lot of time begging others to see my worth, my value, when I couldn’t even see it in myself. What was I really begging them to see? How little I thought of myself, how worthless I felt and how content I was with settling for less than what I deserved. I unknowingly set the tone for every relationship I entered. People knew how to treat me by observing the way I treated myself. How could I find true love if I never started with the source?

I reached a point in my life where I was able to walk away from the toxicity. I was finally ALONE. Left with my thoughts and my own insecurities, I had nothing but time to reflect. While getting to know me again, I became friends with a guy who didn’t want anything from me except friendship, I couldn’t believe I had someone truly in my corner who genuinely cared about my well-being. We began conversing frequently, discussing the strengths and weaknesses in our journey of celibacy. I felt very comfortable with him, so decided to have a movie night at his place. The guy I spent so much time venting to ended up raping me by the end of the night.

I was completely broken and, oftentimes, felt defeated. As time went on things had gotten so bad I wanted to end my life. My son SAVED me. I decided to be the person I needed to be for MYSELF. I wasn’t happy, but I knew I wanted to get there, I allowed myself to become vulnerable and work through that pain for a while.

You don’t have to pretend like you have it all figured out if you know you don’t. It’s okay to NOT be okay! Healing isn’t easy nor will it be pretty. It will be just you and your pain confronting one another. Cry, scream, shout! Just make sure once you’re done, you pick up those pieces and start rebuilding.

I had to realize there was purpose in my pain. I learned to redirect my thoughts and take accountability for my own happiness. I could no longer live with this burden. I was tired. I couldn’t be afraid of walking away from things that didn’t build me up. Yes, the unknown is scary, but so is staying in a situation that no longer serves you! I knew if I hadn’t started right then, I would not be where I am today. I’m stronger, I’m wiser and I’m better! Be kind to yourself, progress, even in the smallest form, is still progress!! Life after abuse isn’t easy, you have to choose yourself over your past, the toxicity and your pain every day, but the outcome will always be income. CHOOSE YOU!

– Jovon, Survivor

When I think about my childhood, I sometimes think about how alone I felt. I felt different than everyone else. Sometimes I thought I felt special, but most of the time I think what I was really feeling was shame. My trauma started at 4 years old, by an uncle, and then continued with more people I trusted, including my pediatrician, until I was 23. I honestly don’t know how I made it through. I look back and think, that little girl was really strong because she had to be.

As I grew older, I felt less strong and more out of control. I felt sad, scared, crazy, anxious, and couldn’t seem to have a boyfriend or a relationship like everyone else because I was afraid of being touched. I remember joining a group in my 20s with sexually abused women and the leader of the group asked me who my pediatrician was. I told her, and she went to the place where my pediatrician still practiced. When she came back to the group, she said, in front of everyone “I talked to someone who knows your pediatrician, and he is a very prominent man and he would never do anything like that.” Well, there went another trusted person, someone who was supposed to support and believe in me. She made me feel like a liar, which caused even more shame.

When I shared my abuse, with who I thought were trusted people, some would say things to me like, “Why didn’t you say anything to anyone?” or, “It wasn’t that bad if you weren’t raped.” This caused more and more shame. I never talked about it to anyone again for many years. Not until I met my ex-husband. Unfortunately, my marriage didn’t last, but I have two beautiful daughters from it. My anxiety affected them in many ways because they didn’t understand what I had been through and I couldn’t tell them until they became women. I didn’t tell them because I felt shame. When I finally told them, they understood why I acted the way I did with a lot of things, being overprotective, etc.

In short, I was in therapy for years and dealt with a lot of anger and disappointment. I felt like I was very far on my healing journey. It wasn’t until I went to th Saprea Retreat and met my sisters there that I realized I still had more to deal with. I also felt I had a group of women who were loving, caring, and understanding, and they could identify with me. The shame was finally gone; I didn’t have to feel that way anymore.

It doesn’t matter how far along in your journey you are, just the mere fact that you have people who care and support you is very healing. I am still in touch with these beautiful souls. We still cry, laugh, and share stories together, and feel a very special bond between one another. It is one that will never be broken. We are strong, we are beautiful, and the one thing I will always keep with me that I took from the Saprea Retreat is: #IAmEnough!

-Debbie, Survivor

My father left me when I was 7 years old. This left a huge void in my life and a longing for that special bond with a dad. The same year my dad left, my mom had a new man move into our home with her, my sister, and me. He had two sons of his own and got my mom pregnant pretty quickly. They got married a couple years later and everything felt like it was perfect. I finally had the family I wanted and had a very special bond and closeness to my new stepdad.

He saw my eagerness and longing as an innocent little girl and he took advantage of it.

I was only 11 years old when the abuse started. For 2 years it was a nightly routine of him raping and molesting me. When I went to my mom for help, she did nothing and threatened that I would tear the family apart. I grew very sick over the next several years from the stress of having this man live in the same house as me. I was angry, confused, hurt, and constantly retraumatized by my mom knowing and doing nothing to help.

At 24 years old I had enough, and that man confessed. He pled guilty and was sentenced to 15 years. This was a huge victory for me and a moment that leaves me so incredibly proud of myself for being strong enough to face him. I came from a toxic family that did not support me and a mother who cared more about herself than anyone else. I said goodbye to all of my family, except my sister.

Since leaving behind the people who kept me sick, I have been the healthiest and happiest I have ever been in my life. I have a wonderful, loving husband. I have my sister and her husband and their beautiful baby boy. And most of all, I have me back. I have finally been able to find myself and realize how strong, powerful, and beautiful I am!

-Ashley, Survivor

One of the most difficult things I’ve experienced is talking about my feelings and emotions freely without being judge or interrupted.

As a child, I was sexually abused. Recognizing it and accepting that I am a survivor was not an easy task. I was abused on three different occasions by three different perpetrators before my adolescence. Many years later, when I was about 35 years old, I was kidnapped by a person I knew well, and he attempted to abuse me sexually. I felt completely broken, shattered into little pieces to the point that I felt it was impossible to piece myself back together.

Attending the Saprea Retreat changed my life and perspective of how I thought about myself. It helped me understand why I behaved and reacted to different situations and people in my life during all those years. Before embarking on this journey I felt incomplete, empty, and forgotten, but during the retreat, I met several wonderful women who went through the same path of abuse and listening to their testimonials and how they went through similar situations gave me a sense of relief. Having my feelings and emotions finally understood by others was incredible and amazing. Now I feel stronger and more confident, going in the right direction toward healing that I never considered possible.

I am uniquely broken, but there’s beauty in the broken; and now I know I can help others by using my voice to speak out and let them know there is hope, to tell them that they are enough, worthy of love and respect, and that WE are not alone.

-Maria, Survivor